*sigh* Unsuitable Parenting (slight rant)

[Masco&Bongo]

My SIL is pregnant - again

She has a son of 11 months old (Jake) who was an "accident" who is a lovely little boy. We love having him round at ours, since we don't have any kids of our own yet.

When she rung us to tell us, I had to hand the phone over to my OH and walk out of the room.

She is nearly 20, has a 11 month old baby, has no qualifications or job, has a partner with no qualifications or job, lives in my FIL's very small and cramped housing association house. They often can't afford nappies or food and have to borrow money for these essentials. He's been sent to our house for the weekend before with no clean nappies or food. Not that we feed him "baby food" (i.e. in a jar), he just has what we're having. They had to borrow money to buy most of the baby essentials (cot, pram, high chair etc) and Jake will still be using these by the time the baby is born!

She has found looking after Jake extremely difficult and demanding (despite the fact she's a full time, stay at home mum), we often have him for the weekend as he's "so much hard work" and now she's having another one! In fact, her comment to my OH after breaking the news, when he asked how Jake was doing was "Oh, he just whines all the time"

Even her doctor suggested that she might think about a termination as she hasn't coped well with the first baby and he thinks it's too soon. She had a really bad 24 hour labour with him, nearly died giving birth (loss of blood) was ill for weeks after the birth and currently has severe PND.

I know that no-one in the family will say anything to her face about this except nice things (except me) but will all say how bad they think it is behind her back.

The problem is that everyone in the family has been so accomodating and helpful with her first child (including us), in terms of monetary help, time and practical care, gifts etc; that she maybe thinks that it will be the same again.

Now, whilst we're happy to spoil our only nephew (clothes, toys etc), and have him stay over at the weekends etc, I don't want to be looked on as a babysitting service when new baby arrives; nor do I want to look after both children. Jake is often not at home at weekends, we have him, or his nanna or his great-nanna has him for a few nights. He is a joy to have really, and no trouble (well, easier than our puppies anyway).

I just feel really annoyed and down about this whole thing. When she first got pregnant, I gritted my teeth and played nice about the whole thing. I now just feel she's an irresponsible, selfish little girl who can't keep her legs shut and hasn't given a damn about her existing child or her financial situation.

[Annpan]

*sigh* indeed... your rant is well and truly justified

I had a really tough time when I had E, I was bed-ridden for 3 weeks... I won't go too much into my medical problems... I had NO support, I mean really, NO support, for 6 weeks, then my inlaws took her, about once a week, for the afternoon... They are now the only support that we have. E has been away from us once overnight - she is 17 months.
There is no way in hell that I will be putting myself through that again in the near future.

There are too many foolish and selfish people in this world... I am sure that the council will be giving her enough money and a house soon (makes me livid TBH)

I'm not sure that you can discuss this with her, to her I am sure she is good Mum and she wants this baby... I am also possitive that no-one in that situation thinks it is odd, and that she probably thinks things will turn around for them soon... I have had friends with that mentality.


Bless you for giving her more help and support than I am sure you think she deserves. I am so sorry you are in this situation, at least you are a stable constant in this wee boys life - I know it is not your job, but at least you are there for him. I am not sure if I could do it.

BTW You don't need to spoil either child, and second children are cheaper than first ones

[Milims]

Hmmm- I find it curious how she seems to have quite a lot of free time away from her child, who appears to be provided for by the rest of the family, shares a house and therefore is likely to share the bills (and it's aways cheaper to live with a few than alone) yet she doesn't seem to be able to afford basic necessities for her son. So where does her money go?
I'm probably being a merciless bi**h here - but surely when you make the decision to have a child you become responsible for that childs wellbeing until it is old enough to provide for itself? You take responsibility for it's up bringing and for caring for it's needs? You put that childs needs before your own until it can take care of itself and you are responsible for teaching it how to take care of itself?
I'm all too aware that life isn't all sweetness and light - goodness only knows I have first hand experience of that one - but having a child is a huge responsibility and if you aren't prepared to take that responsibility - don't have a child!
It sounds to me like Jake is a very lucky wee lad to have such a responsible, loving and supportive extended family and I hope that as he grows up he will show his appreciation of that. And I'm sure that when the new baby comes along you will be just as responsible, loving and supportive - because that's the kind of people you are. How sad tho' that your example can't rub off on his parents!

[Shirley]

It could be the severe PND that is causing all the problems with looking after the first baby and I think it's great that you've given her all the support that she's needed so far.

Is she receiving any help for the PND?

My youngest son has never been away from us overnight... he's 5 in April. That's just circumstance though - family are miles away. I had my first overnight night out since he was born in October last year.

[contadina]

You don't mention your brother, and surely he is just responsible and maybe a better person for you to speak to about this. If only, so that he can persuade you sister-in-law to get proper medical help.

[hetty]

I think it's her DH's sister not her brother's wife but I might be wrong.

Susan

[red]

sympathy.
been there - although now are ex-in laws not so my problem...

the thing is - you will help out with baby number 2, you will continue to do stuff and help financially.. because at the end of the day you feel for the children, and there is nothing you can do about that. so brace yourself....

[Masco&Bongo]

Just for info... SIL is my husband's younger sister. There are 11 years between them and he mostly brought her up etc. In fact, when we first got together, it was like going out with someone who already had a child from a previous relationship; as we had to look after her, or find a babysitter for her; take her to, and pick her up from, school; help with her homework etc.

Hmmm- I find it curious how she seems to have quite a lot of free time away from her child, who appears to be provided for by the rest of the family, shares a house and therefore is likely to share the bills (and it's aways cheaper to live with a few than alone) yet she doesn't seem to be able to afford basic necessities for her son. So where does her money go?
I'm probably being a merciless bi**h here - but surely when you make the decision to have a child you become responsible for that childs wellbeing until it is old enough to provide for itself? You take responsibility for it's up bringing and for caring for it's needs? You put that childs needs before your own until it can take care of itself and you are responsible for teaching it how to take care of itself?
I'm all too aware that life isn't all sweetness and light - goodness only knows I have first hand experience of that one - but having a child is a huge responsibility and if you aren't prepared to take that responsibility - don't have a child!

Milims - my reaction is exactly the same as yours. The only money they have coming is in child support and income support (do they still call it that??). Sadly their money is spent on cigarettes, ready-meal-frozen-crap-from-Iceland-food; alcohol, DVD's/CD's and her partners expensive hobby (remote control aircraft). I know they've had some issues with the house that have required more money than usual, but hey, we all have those (shower breaking down etc) disgust

You're not a merciless b**ch - not unless I'm one as well. Having a child is a huge responsibility. The child (or children) should come first, even above your partner in some respects.

We don't yet have children, for a number of reasons, but one of them being that although we're married, have a house, are in stable, fairly well-paid jobs etc; we don't feel ready to have that responsibility yet. (Plus the 2 dogs, 4 chickens and a rabbit take up a lot of time!! )

[Helsbells]

I really feel for you Masco&Bongo, I dont have children either, and feel very upset when I hear of people having children but are not prepared to accept the responsibility.
A friend of mind from work and his girlfriend recently had a baby, and during the first week after it was born, the poor baby stayed with its grandparents so her mum and dad could go out on the lash.
I was also very upset to hear that she did not even want to try breast feeding, and had signed up to a gym because she said she needed to lose all the baby weight.
It seemed to me that she wanted a doll to play with, not a child.
You sound so supportive with Jake, he is so lucky to have you, and I always remind myself that its not the childs fault that they have irresponsible parents, they deserve as much love and care as any other child.
All the best for you when she has the next one, I am sure you will be brilliant to them, and I hope they appreciate you.

[Masco&Bongo]

I really feel for you Masco&Bongo, I dont have children either, and feel very upset when I hear of people having children but are not prepared to accept the responsibility.
A friend of mind from work and his girlfriend recently had a baby, and during the first week after it was born, the poor baby stayed with its grandparents so her mum and dad could go out on the lash.
I was also very upset to hear that she did not even want to try breast feeding, and had signed up to a gym because she said she needed to lose all the baby weight.
It seemed to me that she wanted a doll to play with, not a child.
You sound so supportive with Jake, he is so lucky to have you, and I always remind myself that its not the childs fault that they have irresponsible parents, they deserve as much love and care as any other child.
All the best for you when she has the next one, I am sure you will be brilliant to them, and I hope they appreciate you.

We had Jake staying over for weekends when he was 8 weeks old!! We'd get him Friday afternoon and take him back Sunday evening. I'd never even changed a nappy until he stayed at our house (but it was easier than picking up dog poo!) nor bottle fed a baby, but we managed!

I always felt that SIL wanted a nice little doll that she could dress up and parade round; and didn't realise that you can't have a baby and carry on living exactly the way you were before...

We had Jake on Christmas Day this year, as his parents dcided they didn't want/couldn't afford Christmas

We invited them round for Christmas dinner (with MIL, Nanna etc) but they didn't come. We had Jake, let him open his presents, he had Christmas dinner, helped pull a cracker etc and then put him to bed. They didn't make a "fuss" of his first Christmas at all.

[Helsbells]

We had Jake on Christmas Day this year, as his parents dcided they didn't want/couldn't afford Christmas

Thats is so sad! They have really missed out on a special day with their child. Shocking that they didnt cme to your's when you had invited them.

I really hate the attitude of "getting my life back" after having children, parents dont get their old life back! they have a new life, their children are their life!
(in my opinion)

[Helsbells]

ops, cant work the quote thing!!

[Masco&Bongo]

I really hate the attitude of "getting my life back" after having children, parents dont get their old life back! They have a new life, their children are their life! (in my opinion)

My opinion too...

We always have a big family Christmas at our house. Nothing fancy, a turkey dinner etc. and have always invited MIL, Nanna, OH's widowed aunties and their kids, his sister etc.

Think that's why we didn't want to see Jake not having a Christmas. They didn't have a tree or any decorations at their house. We even took him to see Christmas lights etc

[QuakerBear]

Sounds like you're doing a really wonderful job for that little boy, from the sound of it he may not have many blessings, but he's got you.

A couple of weeks ago someone in my Meeting said (quick explanation, Quakers gather in silence to worship, then & if someone feels moved by the Spirit to speak (give ministry), they stand up and do so), "give to those who deserve and give to those who do not deserve because one day God may give to you when you do not deserve". This has stuck with me because I know I've been given allot that I don't deserve, and that others would deserve more. So my point is... try to be patient with your SIL, I know it's hard and frustrating and probably infuriating sometimes but stick with trying to help her. You never know one day you may really start to change her life and her approach to her own life for the better. In the mean time feel free to rant and shout and grouch and vent here.

[Clara]

Sounds like you're doing a really wonderful job for that little boy, from the sound of it he may not have many blessings, but he's got you.

A couple of weeks ago someone in my Meeting said (quick explanation, Quakers gather in silence to worship, then & if someone feels moved by the Spirit to speak (give ministry), they stand up and do so), "give to those who deserve and give to those who do not deserve because one day God may give to you when you do not deserve". This has stuck with me because I know I've been given allot that I don't deserve, and that others would deserve more. So my point is... try to be patient with your SIL, I know it's hard and frustrating and probably infuriating sometimes but stick with trying to help her. You never know one day you may really start to change her life and her approach to her own life for the better. In the mean time feel free to rant and shout and grouch and vent here.

Couldn´t agree more....women with PND and poor parenting skills do FAR WORSE things to their babies sometimes.