Wits end!!

[chadspad]

OK, my son has just turned 6 - he is an only child so probably spoilt with attention especialll as he has grandparents 50 yards away too. He will not lose at anything and if he does he screams, cries and becomes unbearable! Most of the time his friends rearrange the games to suit him so he doesnt lose - not helping I know but otherwise they get totally peed off with his crying! I have tried reasoning with him, telling him that when he begins school properly next week, the kids will be playing competitive sports and will not allow him to win so he will look really silly crying in the school yard. He also plays games consoles and Ive tried to explain, like those games, its all about practising and if u cant do it first time, keep going, u will get it in the end. My friend has 2 boys, theyre 16 months apart, so very close and very rough with each other. My son isnt used to this kind of playing and they wind him up something rotten - knowing he will cry easily. They are good with making up games but if my son cant run as fast, kick a ball as well etc he cries so they soon tire of him and then get nasty towards him. My son also puts on a big show of crying when its time to leave anywhere - its not like we dont go out womewhere different 4 days out of 7 at least! I have tried reasoning but Im now getting more and more angry with him - not good I know - but Im frustrated that he isnt listening to me or taking any notice.

Advice from someone in similar position would be brilliant please!!

[Eigon]

I think my gran would have "given him something to cry for" i.e. a quick slap round the back of the legs. Harsh, but that's the generation she belonged to.
He's going to have a terrible time at school if he doesn't change his ways.

[Martin]

he's obviously learnt that grizzling gets attention, fine, from now on, just walk away..........(or laugh, or both)
as Eigon said, when I was young the remedy was applied psychology - round the lug'ole

[chadspad]

I have tried the smacking thing, usually on his hand - short and sharp - but I hate doing it in public, more cos I feel like an awful Mother. I use no TV or no toys a lot but sometimes that doesnt work. I have also tried the take no notice approach but he just cries louder and again, when its in public, I feel like Im not able to control him and that its reflecting badly on me.

[baldowrie]

you first need to be sure he does not have a processing or language problem...they will cry when they feel sad and laugh when they feel happy with vengeance!

If it not these then it is probably because he has got his own way by doing it.

When he gets told no and 'stamps his feet' just stand firm and look at him squarely in the eyes. He will scream and kick for a few times until he realise it no longer works. As for doing it in public, let them look he would have picked up it's easier with an audience.

Going to school is a very big thing and he could well be worried about that making him worse. However I would be very sure there is no processing problem with him because one or two things you have said do indicate there could be....not liking going out despite going to the same place, not listening or appearing not to take any notice, easily 'wound up', frustration he can't do the things the other children are able to do with ease.

But above all he is only 6

[Milims]

How about you echo his behaviour? When my son was about 5 he had a few tantrums - until I showed him how to do it properly - I threw tantrum in the middle of the street - I jumped up and down, stamped, shouted and pretended to cry - just like he had. He was so embarrassed he begged me to stop. I asked him if he was going to do it again now that he knew what it looked like and how horrid it made him feel - funnily enough he hasn't done it since!!
I've learned that the best way to deal with this sort of unacceptable behaviour is to show them how it looks and affects other people. The other one I learned was to give them what they want - with a vengeance!!! If they demand sweets and wont take no for an answer - make them eat all the sweets - it worked on me and my daughter. Its amazing how quickly they learn that you won't put up with adverse behviour when you give them back what they are giving you!! And you also have the added advantage of having great fun at their expense!!

[Russian Doll]

hey hunny my oldest was like this..we think it stemmed from being jealous of the other kids...she had very low self esteem and if she couldnt do something would throw a tantrum...i found constance reassurance ie...youll do it if you practise enough....worked also when she strted school and saw there were other kids who maybe couldnt do things that she could...helped a lot...she still has her moments but is nowhere as bad and has lots of friends at school

[chadspad]

Thanks for the advice everyone. Its nice to hear when other people have had the same problems - doesnt make me feel so alone or that Im doing anything wrong as a parent. I do give him constant praise when he does something good or well, he is a sensitive boy - hopefully he will grow out of it! He has already been to pre-school for 2 years but the classes now will be more structured and with kids all the same age and older, Im hoping that that might help a bit, getting away from the little ones.
Thanks again

[Thomzo]

It's definitely a habit you want to get him out of. My ex was still like it and he was in his 40's. If things weren't going his way he's have a huge temper tantrum, just like a toddler! Tears and everything. It got to the point where I just had to let him have his own way over everything or we'd have a HUGE row.

At least he's now my ex!

Zoe

[Tigerhair]

Unfortunately, I think you've been too soft on him - that doesn't help him learn how to control his emotions and it's your job to teach him this. It's an important life skill.

Ignoring it certainly works for me. If it's in the street, sit him down next to a shop and turn away. If he moves. Put him back. After a few times, he'll sit and cry it out. When he's calmed down, ask him to apologise for his behaviour and then give him a kiss and a cuddle. It works. It's embarrassing. But most of the time other parents will look at you with sympathy not judgement.

The naughty step works for Josh too - and you need it less and less as you go on. See Super Nanny.

Teaching them that they will always win, will never be dissappointed, will always get something if they make a fuss... It's no good. You have to harden your heart. Staring Josh out doesn't work because I always burst out laughing. It's not nice to be laughed at when you're a kid, makes you feel small.

Before all this, chat to him. Say that he needs to learn how to control how he feels inside so that he can make other kids understand him and like him. Tell him that if someone else wins say "well done mate" and smile, it will make his friend feel good and it's nice to make other people feel good. Next time he might win. And that's great!

Don't try and explain things when he's upset, it won't work and he won't take it in. Do it first.

Praise him every time he does something nice and ignore the rest, unless it's really bad (hitting) or escalates. Then use the naughty step. It's worked for me - Josh is still learning to control his emotions, but it gets easier. Now it's just me who needs to control my emotions!

However, having said that, this is only my advice and each parent needs to make a decision how to deal with their own child. Good luck and let us know how you get on.

[Stonehead]

However, having said that, this is only my advice and each parent needs to make a decision how to deal with their own child. Good luck and let us know how you get on.

Good advice and exactly how we handle things, too. Parents have to learn not to be too soft and have to take on the responsibility of "training" their kids - although teaching them to walk at heel is possibly a step too far!

[chadspad]

Thanks for the advice Tigerhair. I did used to use the naughty carpet and it did work but for other reasons. It is very difficult to try to reason with him once he is angry or upset. My other problem is his grandparents are literally up the end of the driveway, if he is having a bad time with me he goes and gets spoilt up there. I need to speak to them too about it all. Ive never given into him to let him win but his friends do just to be able to continue the game, I need to speak to them as well! He did say that they had sport on Friday at school, that he didnt win the race but didnt cry either - thats a really good start.

Its all good advice - thanks very much.

[Tigerhair]

Yeah, having the support of his grandparents and friends will really help. What a step forward - not crying!

Josh tries it on with the "mum said no, so I'll ask Dad" - we got wise to that one quickly and check with each other - you should have seen his face the first time we did that (Hey they are talking to each other!!! I'm losing here!).

So he underestimated us, and I think we probably underestimate him every now and again.

I think the HARDEST thing is for all people involved in bringing up a child to be CONSISTENT. Jeez - that is so hard..... However, unless you agree between you what is the best way and commit to it, you cannot possibly be consistent. When you are tired/busy/feeling selfish.... it's really hard.

Good luck. Don't try for perfection it cannot happen and who wants it anyway!!!

Let them be cheeky every now and again and remember to laugh together more than anything.

I think I'll shut up now!

[red]

goodluck - the main thing is that you have decided to change the way things are - so you are bound to get there one way or another.
i used to livenext door to my parents too - and it does change the usual grandparent relationship - they are not able to spoil as much when they see their grandkids more often. - so yes - speak to them too - everyone needs to be on board.

You'll get there!

[chadspad]

Thanks again everyone, its great to be able to share problems on here

Have today seen ads for local judo or karate clubs. I think this could be an excellent way to learn some discipline, self-control & hopefully get over this worry of losing. Gonna check it out at the weekend.