Having a bit of trouble at work

[the.fee.fairy]

It sounds really schooligrlish and petty, but wprk is really getting me down at the moment.

There's a girl at work who is really manipulative - especially towards the male sex. She's managed to befriend the only bloke on my team my age and slowly they're becoming like a little bubble of 'them'.

She's married. he's not. her husband works for the same company (and happens to be my friend's brother...). They arrive together, spend all day giggling and passing notes to each other (note i didn't mention the word work there) and then leave together in th evening. I used to talk the the male involved a lot, but lately, i feel like i'm being ignored - by both of them!

It sounds like nothing to get bothered over, but it feels like the bullying i used to suffer at school - its like 'you're not my friend anymore, so i'm not going to speak to you...and nor is anyone else'. It's getting on my nerves!! Every day, i dread going to work to spend another 8 hours in silence. I spoke to my boss about their lack of work (she brought it up), and i spoke to her onight about being ignored. All she says is that i'm better than that, and i should ignore it but its difficult. I feel miserable when i'm at work.

Anyone got any ideas of how to cheer myself up a bit? or what my next move should be?

Thanks for reading me whine!!

[Tomr]

I know it’s not much help but you're boss is probably right. Just let them get on with it in the knowledge that those that behave like little children will end up being treated like children. Rise above it as they say.

Can you/are you allowed to access theses forums from work?

[Wombat]

Here is Aus, deliberately excluding people is discrimination and you can be severely yelled at for it. I suppose you could put ina formal complaint. Otherwise it's claymore mines under their desks again......

Nev

[Thomzo]

How many other people work in your area?

If there are other people around then can you build up relationships with them instead? They will also have noticed the immature attitude of this pair. Perhaps the office busybody could have a quiet word with this bloke?

From what you say he is simply infatuated with this woman, probably thinks he's in there and goes along with her. He's possibly oblivious to the fact that other people have noticed what's going on. If someone were to gently point it out to him he might come to his senses and get back to normal.

If there is just the three of you, then it's down to you to do something to resolve the situation. At the moment it's your problem. They are quite happy. In which case, try becoming the teacher to their childishness. When they start giggling, say something like "oh what's the joke? Can you share it?" When you see them passing notes, make a comment, or even better, pick it up and read it. You might feel uncomfortable doing it but they will feel even more uncomfortable and it might bring it home to them what they are doing. If you can possibly keep your comments light hearted, make a joke or laugh as you do it, it will diffuse an awkward situation.

If you complain to the bosses they either have to take action (and discipline the people involved) which will create resentment against you or the bosses will simply turn a blind eye, which will make you resent them. Try to sort it out in a friendly, slightly jokey way, will prevent this.

If it gets tough this afternoon log on and have another whinge. I'll stay logged in if I can and see how you are doing.

Good luck
Zoe

[Stonehead]

I saw a problem like this a few years back. I was the line manager so I called both of the people involved into my office individually, said that while I wasn't jumping to conclusions, their actions could lead people to believe they were having a relationship and as they were in the same department, this was not permitted by company rules.

I said that if their apparently intimate conduct continued, one or the other of them would have to move departments or leave their job. If they ignored this, then it would become a disciplinary action.

It left them with the choice of saying they weren't having an affair - in which case they'd have had to explain their behavior and that would have meant admitting bullying; admitting an affair and agreeing to transfers/leaving; or geting all hot and flustered while denying everything. The bloke admitted bullying (at the woman's instigation), the woman denied everything.

He was reprimanded (having had the guts to admit it), she quit before disclipinary action could progress against her.

[glenniedragon]

Not having worked in an office environment I'm not sure how this would work, but I know it worked when I was at school- is there anyway your boss can rearange the office to split them up to increase productivity? thinking of you Fee, you're a good gal and you'll be OK- we all luv ya!

kind thoughts and hugs
Deb

[theabsinthefairy]

Hi fee fairy

Whilst all the advice given is excellent and may well be bought to bear in your current working situation it doesn't help that feeling of exclusion that these behaviours summon up in us. If it becomes bullying then do not hesitate to bring it to the attention of your HR dept or manager etc.

I have been in the same sort of situation, where once I worked in a partnerhsip that then expanded into a team of 3. It became a little clique of 2 and me as the odd one out - and it is a really horrible feeling.

There is no cure for this until you can convince yourself that you really do not care. You are better than they are for not indulging in the same actions, and really you have better friends and contacts out there who do not behave like that.

Use the moments when you feel excluded to call up someone you have not spoken to for a while, or email a contact for no other reason to say hello, this way you can take the situation and create something positive from it for yourself personally - and perhaps create better contacts and maybe even friendships elsewhere.

Either way - childish behaviour is just that - childish - try to rise above it and don't let it get to you too much. Perhaps a social after work to relax and take your mind off the work place before you go home may help too. Not necessarily with the people you work with, but friends nearby?

[the.fee.fairy]

Thanks for your support guys!

I can be logged on to here at work. That's how i end up spending all day logged in!!

I think everyone's right! I can just ignore it and talk to other people (i have good relationships with other people at work, but i just hate the atmosphere and the tension building between the three of us), and i've been talking to everyone else as well.

My boss has noticed something, and she asked me if i thought they were having an affair. I said i didn't think so, but they were behaving as if they were for some reason. The girl involved is mexican and socould be causing more trouble for herself - if she gets divorced, she gets deported.

I start at 2:30 today, so we'll see how it goes. Thankfully, i've got 3 days off this weekend (i usually work saturdays) so it'll be a great break!!

Thanks again guys - that's why i love this forum. The people are all willing to share experiences and advice on anything.

[QuakerBear]

Oh dear, I'm sorry to hear that this is getting you down.

Office politics being what they are I'll admit that you may not be able to do anything to change their behaviour. But please accept a huuuuuge hug from me.

I hope you'll see from the number of responses on this forum that you have lots of friends here, none of whome are about to ignore or bully you, but instead value you and what you write.

[red]

bum - now I realise why my mum always said that useless thing 'rise above it' cos when you look at it from the outside.. that is the best way.

I guess the best you can do is not show annoyance.. not show that they are bothering you, interact with more worthwhile people, and wiat it out - it will run its course one way or the other.. and likely as not the bloke will realise his bubble of one means he is not talking to anyone else.

I hate it if people are fairly blatant about affairs etc.. they somehow make you part of it by being so casual in front of you. in a social situation, I back off, to not be part of it, but in a work situation you cant.

dont let them ruin work for you.. rise above it (ack sound like my mum again)

[the.fee.fairy]

Thanks guys!

I value each and every one of you too.

C'mon..group hug!
(that's the nearest emoticon...i'm sure there used to be a group hug one...)

[Thomzo]

Hi Fee

Erm, not sure exactly what those three are up to! But next time you see your colleagues canoodling imagine they are two of those three emoticons, then add in a third person of your choice, Mr Bean, the wierdo in IT, Gordon Brown, whoever

Make sure you laugh really loudly every time and they'll soon start getting the message.

Zoe

[Stonehead]

Erm, not sure exactly what those three are up to! But next time you see your colleagues canoodling imagine they are two of those three emoticons, then add in a third person of your choice, Mr Bean, the wierdo in IT, Gordon Brown, whoever

John Prescott...

[Thomzo]

Hey Stoney, I was trying to get Fee to cheer up not throw up

Zoe

[the.fee.fairy]

That cheered me up!!