Am I being a mean Mother?

[Milims]

My son is in the huff with me. On Thursday the "top 130 students in each year group - ranked by average effort levels over the whole academic year" (quote from school letter which I received last night! ) are going to go on a trip to Light Water Valley. The thing is my son was only told on Friday that he could go as he was on another 4 day trip when it was announced. That trip cost over £250 including all the equipment we had to buy for him, but as it was part of his course of study I had no objections (even tho they fed him spam and instant mash! ).
We are now expected to fork out another £20 for the second trip in 2 weeks! Now we could easily give him the money for the trip, but I really object to doing that, to me academic effort is what is EXPECTED of students, especially those, like my son are perfectly capable of it and more! I really object to the fact that simply doing what you are supposed to do is being rewarded with materialistic gain rather than encouraging personal satisfaction at a job well done, along with the knowledge that these are all experience points towards adult futures! To me doing a job simply for financial or material gain is akin to prostitution.
So I told my son that he could go on this trip provided that he earned the money to do so - that way he could not only have the money he needed but also that satisfaction of knowing that he had really worked to earn it - not that it was just being given to him easily. As it is he half did half of his chores and mowed the lawn and therefore earned about £8 - clearly not enough. There were many other jobs that he could have done but he simply didn't ask, nor did he show any interest in doing anything else. So I've told him he can't go.

[Green Aura]

Don't think so honey! He knows what he needs to do to get what he wants, maybe he doesn't want to go that badly.

I shouldn't worry about it too much. He's bright and you're giving him good values - he'll work it out.

[snapdragon]

Nope not at all
I'd be 'mean' too, if the school wants to treat the kids for whatever achievement then why should parents have to pay?

[grahamhobbs]

Why are we teaching kids that they can expect a 'reward' for doing something and only to work if they get paid. A friend pointed out how business expressions are entering everyday speak and the following day I saw a church being renovated and a sign saying, yes outside a church, "open for business".
Obviously kids are being trained to be self-centred individuals for, I was going to say a capatalist society but it's not a real society just a marketplace, each out for their own. Congratulations that you are trying to resist this, there is an alternative where people help each other and also gain satisfaction from doing their work well for everyones benefit.

[boboff]

No not mean, you're being a good parent.

[Helsbells]

I don't think you are being mean at all, I think you are being very reasonable and sensible.
As a teacher I get sick of rewarding children for expected behaviour. It seems the naughty children get more rewards for normal behaviour that the kids who are good all the time.
I had a member of staff come into my classroom a few weeks ago and ask me who I would be giving house points to this lesson adn I should be giving at least two house points out every lesson. I can honestly say I struggled to think of two pupils had gone above and beyond what I would class as normal behavious, and thus deserve a reward.

[Shirleymouse]

No, not mean! I work at a school that does run a lot of trips, some to foreign countries, but we do consider the cost to parents and try to keep it as low as possible. We take the opposite view at our school - rather than the trip being a reward for good effort/behaviour/attendance; everyone is invited but then anyone whose behaviour etc is not up to scratch is taken off the trip as a punishment. This also applies to big events like the prom. I agree that good effort in school is an expectation of everybody.
You are teaching your son the value of treats like trips and that if he really wants to go he can earn the money. Well done to your son though for his effort!

[yvette]

I think you have done the right thing - though i can quite understand why you might be feeling a bit anxious about it as none of us like to see our kids upset. But you have given him the chance to go on the trip, and he hasn't taken it. He needs to understand that you mean what you say. Kids who expect everything for nothing are going to be very badly equipped for life away from home when the time comes. It can be so hard though, i do feel for you.

[circlecross]

don't know how old he is - we are having to start teaching our 6 yr old about the value of money. He asks for something - I have to say "I can't afford it" (which I invariably can't). I am contemplating starting pocket money, just so he can start to learn the amounts needed. And chores, while, yes, something he SHOULD be doing, perhaps, are useful ways of gaining extra income, as, after all, he will have to work in order to get an income in the "real world". So, tough love, but real parenting. Well done.

[Susie]

That isn't mean. I thought you were going to say you'd stopped him going completely!

[Milims]

Thank you all for your support - it's good to know that I'm not really the mean old witch that my teen ogres sometimes make me feel I am! Either that it's good to know that I'm not alone and that everyone else round here is a mean old witch too!
It really saddens and frightens me that kids these days seem to be being brought up with an "I want it all and I want it now" attitude, without having the experience to deal properly with what is being thrust upon them, and then either having nothing to look forward to as adults or having to greater extremes to gain "normal" satisfaction. It's no wonder there is so much credit/debt and lack of human kindness etc - we are breeding self centred, selfish people!
Since he won't be going on the trip he's asked if he can have the day off as (apparently ) they won't be doing anything at school, so I've given him the choice - go to school and take what they offer or stay at home and do the chores that would have earned you the £20 if only you'd done them sooner! Oh dear - I just get meaner!

[kit-e-kate]

Ha! That is a great plan!
Thinking about this from a teenagers point of view; i'm definitely not one anymore, but i do remember my mum taking a similar attitude when my brother and i were growing up. We did get to go on big school trips, but it was made clear that though my parents were delighted let us go on the trips, to the cost was a significant one for our family and they explained that Dad would have to work overtime to earn the money.

The money for smaller things like a particular toy (or like when i was 13- a skateboard!) had to come from us, either by saving up pocket money or doing chores. I got my skateboard by picking whelks! I can still remember how good it felt to walk into the shop with money i'd earned myself. (And I still have the skateboard!). My parent's attitude really helped us to learn that if you want something you have to work for it.
Keep up the good work! He will appreciate one day.

[Milims]

K-E-K - thank you for sharing that - it's just what I want for him. I want him to feel the pleasure and satisfaction at doing a job well and the pride and freedom that comes from earning your own way in the world - not just in terms of finance but also in terms of respect. Like you I want him to appreciate what he has - just like you appreicate your skateboard! BTW - do you still ride it??

[Big Al]

Absolutly wicked.... Oh I had better read your post first.....

[Big Al]

My son is in the huff with me. On Thursday the "top 130 students in each year group - ranked by average effort levels over the whole academic year" (quote from school letter which I received last night! ) are going to go on a trip to Light Water Valley. The thing is my son was only told on Friday that he could go as he was on another 4 day trip when it was announced. That trip cost over £250 including all the equipment we had to buy for him, but as it was part of his course of study I had no objections (even tho they fed him spam and instant mash! ).
We are now expected to fork out another £20 for the second trip in 2 weeks! Now we could easily give him the money for the trip, but I really object to doing that, to me academic effort is what is EXPECTED of students, especially those, like my son are perfectly capable of it and more! I really object to the fact that simply doing what you are supposed to do is being rewarded with materialistic gain rather than encouraging personal satisfaction at a job well done, along with the knowledge that these are all experience points towards adult futures! To me doing a job simply for financial or material gain is akin to prostitution.
So I told my son that he could go on this trip provided that he earned the money to do so - that way he could not only have the money he needed but also that satisfaction of knowing that he had really worked to earn it - not that it was just being given to him easily. As it is he half did half of his chores and mowed the lawn and therefore earned about £8 - clearly not enough. There were many other jobs that he could have done but he simply didn't ask, nor did he show any interest in doing anything else. So I've told him he can't go.

Let the little bugger work his finger to the bone then he will appreciate life a bit more. I went all over the world with school in the 70's and I mean virtually all european countries especially those that had snow as the teachers loved skiing. The deal was I would get a paper round, do chores etc and if there wasn't enough money saved at the time of deposit etc then my poor mam would cough it up and I'd pay her back. One holiday had to be paid for before i signed up for another.

My brother, being a sadistic T&*) would try and get the better of me by offering me things to do and if I achieved them then it would result in money. These things included eating octopus, squid etc ( quite a thing for a 10 year old in the 70's but the value of the 2 shillings etc was worth it.

So no you are not being mean but sadly it is a way of teaching today to bribe the kids to behave, do better, look forward to something etc.

It does work especially for the less able or less well behaved if you have strong teachers who will say no but those who are more gifted will in many cases actually slow down and only do what is required in order to get reward.

Oh my son got his degree yesterday and it didn't take bribes.... He just say how I turned out and decided to do better, lol.