How to end a friendship?

[mrsmiggins]

I've grown apart from an old friend. We don't have a lot in common anymore and I feel like I'm making all the effort. She's always been quite selfish and I don't think she actually realises that she is (i.e. if we're not in contact for a while it's always me that's in the wrong because she can't see that she should keep in touch with me too) It seems a real shame but I think it's time not to see her anymore. How do you end a friendship in a nice way?? Do you just drift apart and not contact each other anymore?

[Green Aura]

I wish I knew Mrs M. I've got a couple of friends like that but I'm not very good at letting go, even when it's not good any more.

One thing I've found strangely useful is Facebook, I can post quick messages to them without getting caught up in either conversation or long correspondence and still be "in touch". Of course that might not work so well with someone on the same street!

[Minnesota]

Mrs M,
I use the drift apart technique myself.
most times, they only contact me when they need something,
that is the hardest part, I have a hard time saying no.
so then I fumble around coming up with excuses,
then this old friend gets upset. (actually there is two different friends)
Then they don't contact me til they need something again....it's a bad cycle.

As I re-read what I just typed, I think I need to change my ways.
Now, which why should I go ?
btw...these two friends I am indirectly complaining about owe me money
Do I just write off the debt, or do I continue to deal with these freeloaders
hoping to be repaid someday.

[suziq]

always a difficult one
i've let friends drift away when it was me making all the effort
one friend once told me that people should add something to your life,, if they dont, dont have them around
a friend recently was only ever ringing when he wanted something, kinda got the message when he didnt get a wedding invite i think, oddly he sees hubby socially
one is a taker, we went on holiday tog with the kids, he still owes me for that holiday, and that was when i decided enough was enough with him

hope that helps

[Helsbells]

I totally understand your dilema MrsM,
I had a friend who I have known since I was 5 and she used to be my best friend. Over the years she has made less and less effort with me. I was always the one phoning her and arranging to meet up.
Two things then occoured which made my decision for me, one was that she wouldnt come to my hen do, then on my wedding day, she left early, even though we had paid for her and her partner to have food. I didnt think the reason for her leaving early was good enough. (Even thinking about her now it makes me feel really cross.) So I have decided I am not going to contact her again. Like Suziq said, friends should not take away from your energy. I think I just kept keeping the friendship going for so long because she reminded me of my teens and I felt like I wanted to hold onto that part of my life. I have moved on now.
I sent her a thankyou card for her wedding gift but it said the bear minimum in it and I am not going to send her a Christmas card. I cant be bothered with her. Its a shame. But things change.

[gdb]

i can recommend moving country several times! it's almost impossible to keep up with people.

[snapdragon]

i can recommend moving country several times! it's almost impossible to keep up with people.

Worked for me, I lost contact with all old school/growing up friends that way

I'd say just let it drift and peter-out mrsM, and come to a natural end, don't let it get you stressed.

[crowsashes]

btw...these two friends I am indirectly complaining about owe me money
Do I just write off the debt, or do I continue to deal with these freeloaders
hoping to be repaid someday.

id just write of the debt as a "failed investment" and move on. real friends would have repaid it sooner rather than leave you hanging.

and mrs m
on the friends side of things, letting it drift and well wilt is my opinion, dont call as often or make plans with them. i had a hard time with a few friends a while ago ( they liked clubbing and drinking way too much and talking drugs and i didnt) and i just didnt bother going out as often or calling/texting them and focused on everything else a little more important at the time, they didnt seem that bothered either tbh that things just ended.


changing friends is a natural progression as we 'grow up' and as other posters have said, if friends arnt enriching your life in any way they really arnt friends.

[Helsbells]

One another note, anyone got any tips of what to do if you really hate someone but cant not be friends with them because they are married to your husbands best friend?

[Helsbells]

There are lots of reasons why I hate her, most of them petty and unreasonable. I have even seen a councellor about it I have been that mad!
She doesnt know I hate her. Its like in the film Mean Girls (if you have seen it) I hate her. and yet I really want her to like me. Its a horrible situation all mixed up with jelousey, envy and hyper sensitivity from both sides.

[boboff]

If they owe you money, simply write and ask for it back within 28 days.

Then when they don't call or visit, you won't be asked for anything. If they do call, be nice, and say seeing as they are calling its great as you could really do with your money back....... Ain't going to happen, but they will be very clear that your friendship will not continue until they repay their debt to you, and explicitly you do not, and have never, regarded it as a gift. If they say they have not got it, ask them to repay it in time weeding etc! You never know if they do, it may rekindle the friendship.

[mrsflibble]

mrs m, having recently been through a very similar situation all i can say is end amicably. send a letter or email with your points of view, but include compliments, why you were friends in the first place. wish them a long healthy happy life and move on.

it's very sad and i think about it a lot, but it had to end. some things just do have to end.

[theracedude]

I find myself calling people that i have not spoke to in a while just to show that i am still a good friend but they wont contact me unless they need something. I think that i need to just move on and find someone that fits the build of a good friend. People change. When one door closes, a new door opens. I say you should stop all contact and see if they make an effort, if not then it was meant to be.

[MKG]

"I've grown apart from an old friend. We don't have a lot in common anymore ... "

Actually, you always knew the answer. It's always sad when this happens, but it's life.

Mike

[homegrown]

I am in the same boat MrsM, I have had a friend for 26 years, we met in school and have always done things to gether, he even married my ex-girlfriend, I introduced them to my wife to be when I met har and they became friends, eventually they even asked us to be god-parents to their children and gardians should anything ever happen to them.

But as they say things change, I became aware that it was always me ringing him and making arrangments or my wife, but I kept working at the friendship, we even councilled them through a bad patch in their marriage. But they both have grown more distant and obsessed with apparences, having to have the best fo everything, cars , houses, tv's, theyraise or lower your position as a friend depending on you financial status as they love to holiday and buy toys and get fed up if you can't.

I weas in his wedding party he in mine and yet when I realised things weren't going well for me and tried to arrange to catch-up and seek his advice he said he was too busy, no matter what day it was, they never acknowledge the birth of our thirds son and when my wife let them know about my breakdown and depression they stop returning calls. I might add my dpression was the key to me realising that I was wasti ng way to much energy on things that did not matter.

In the end they just became too much hard work, an ytheir materialistic view point is way too self-destructive for me so I let them go.