This is happening more and more...

[MrsD'ville mkII]

In a nutshell, SD (14), who lives with us, blithely lied to her father yesterday about what I had and had not said about her sleepover arrangements, to do with who could come and when we would pick them up. Now DH knows what she's like (a manipulating liar, basically) and supports me absolutely in that if I say I told her X or Y, he believes me and won't be convinced otherwise by her. So far so good - that bit's not the problem.

What is the problem is that despite him getting very annoyed with her yesterday on the phone, he still allowed her to have a sleepover here tonight with three friends. From my point of view it looks like she's lied about me and yeah, got her wrist slapped a bit, but still got exactly what she wanted. Personally I think he should have told her the sleepover was cancelled. Maybe that's vengeance on my part, but it feels like her twisting my words hasn't had any real negative impact for her at all. I remember being a teenager, and a bit of parental disapproval was water off a duck's back. Your arrangements suddenly being vetoed mattered far more. This is the umpteenth time this sort of thing has happened recently - not so much the lying about what I said (but she lies about plenty else) but causing everyone hassle and stress while still getting what she wants.

I'm feeling very angry inside about this but I'm struggling with it as DH is very supportive of me in a difficult situation - teenagers are a pain full stop but living with someone else's, sheesh. I just feel that once again SD has got what she wanted despite her undesirable behaviour, and DH doesn't seem to see, despite my saying it to him, that only by experiencing a real negative, such as her sleepover being cancelled, will she realise that what she did was unacceptable. I've told her that I'm very hurt and offended by what she did, and if there's going to be that level of 'confusion' on a future occasion perhaps the answer should just be 'no' from now on as there can be no misunderstanding there. She just said 'ok' and nothing else. Right now I really intensely dislike her and that's horrible. I'm also a bit upset inside with DH as I feel he should have imposed a consequence for her behaviour, not said 'okay fine, have three friends over', but he has so much on his plate atm that I don't want to make a stand on it. So now I'm disappointed at what he didn't do, furious with SD and totally unable to behave normally with her, SD obviously feels I'm arch-bitch and DH just wants to get on with building his shed.

Fun fun fun.

[agapanthus]

Oh dear It's an awful situation for you. I hav'nt really got any advice foryou except I feel you must talk to your partner and get some ground rules sorted. You will always have problems....we all do...but things could be much easier if you both have agree on certain matters...or even come to compromises whereby your teenager knows what will happen if she oversteps the mark. We all need guidelines. Talk to him until you come up with an understanding.

[invisiblepiper]

I agree, that situation must be impossible - a ground rule chat with your partner could be a good idea. I admire your composure though - it is bad enough when your own teens are playing the ends against the middle!!!
I have three' children' - two still teens - and they can twist anything if they choose to - I think they get far more than I did, yet they want still more...........and now I sound like my Mum!
Get talking and best wishes with that!

[Annpan]

Yes, I agree with the above, you need to talk to your OH. You need to keep talking until you reach an agreement, you may both need to compromise. Then you need to sit down with the kids (probably just the older ones) and tell them how things are going to be.

I don't have any teenagers myself but I have 4 teenage nephews/nieces and I vividly recall being a teenager myself.

Don't take it out on you SD, she is still growing and learning about boundaries and manipulation, it is part of her learning curve, her growing up and becoming an adult. We all learned these things, some from our parents, some from our schools, some from our exploits in the wider world (I learned from the latter, painfully - I do wish I had had better parents that could have taught me this at home)

I would hope that if myself and OH reached this problem we would agree to joint decisions on everything (not in a 'have you asked your Dad?' kind of way - but in a very pronounced ' I will talk to your Dad and we will let you know')








- now if someone could just help me down off of this high horse, I am getting dizzy


Of course I would also be tempted to say to their dad 'I don't give a BEEP about your BEEPING shed, get in that BEEPING house and sort out your BEEPING kids....'