Joke of the day

[Milims]

WARNING - its a rude one!!!

A gorgeous blonde is shipwrecked on a desert Island - which isn't quite deserted - it has one resident - a man who has been there for most of his life.

They get to know each other and after a coupe of weeks the subject of sex is raised. She asks him how he does for it. He replies that there is a conveniently placed hole in a tree that he makes use of. She suggests that she is similarly equiped and perhaps he'd like to try it with her. She lies down on the sand with her legs akimbo waiting for him. He runs up to her and gives her a "hoof in the foof". With tears in her eyes she askes him why he did it - he replies "I've been here a long time and I'm not stupid - I have to check for squirrels first!!!"

While Chris is thinking about the next subject - can I tell the one about the nun having a driving lesson???

Mother superior is giving a Novice her driving lesson when Satan appears on the bonet of the car. Mother S advises the Novice to swerve to the left - but Satan holds on. So she suggests a swerve to the right - again Satan holds on. She tells her to put her foot down then break suddenly - but guess what - he's still there. Finaly Mother S says to her "show him your cross" so the novice winds down the window and yells - "get off my bonnet you evil little b****rd or I'll come out there and punch your lights out!!"


Ok - next subject - dock leaves - for all you gardeners out there!! lol

[Bonniegirl]

Another curry joke...

A man goes to the curry house one evening and orders a red-hot chicken phall. Of course he pays for it the next day with guts on fire and wind like Satan's breath. The problem is there's a woman he's fancied for ages and he' s taking her out for a drive in the country that day. He picks her up and all's going well except he's having to hold all his pump gas in and he's starting to feel like he'll explode. Eventually he decides he'll have to let one go and tries to let it slip out quietly but misjudges and it comes out a real rip-snorter with a stink to match. She coughs and splutters and puts the window down while he sits there feeling mortally embarrassed. By now there's an uncomfortable silence which he's trying desperately to fill. Eventually, thinking to ask her about current affairs he asks "Have you seen today's paper?" to which she replies "No, but if you stop in a layby I could find you a couple of dock leaves!"

Next subject


King

[Andy Hamilton]

ok not really a joke but someone in Northampton decided to call his company sofa king. Fair enough, but then he decided to advertising his sale with huge posters around his building. "My prices are sofa king low." - say it out loud if you are wondering why the council got involved and made him take down the posters.

hmm so not really a joke, so if it made you laugh then next topic is dustbins if it did not make you laugh then the subject is still king.

[Millymollymandy]

It made me laugh! They all do, well done to all you jokers!

[cat]

I've had a good laugh at all of these!

I'm one of those people who can never remember jokes - but I love hearing them so .........

Long live this thread!!!!

[Bonniegirl]

LIKE A KING



A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill. The doctor says, "You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening."

The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well. "Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember," she says. "I am going to treat you like a king."

She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles--the works.

After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen. She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise.

Well, the husband is wide awake watching the clock. He knows that he is doomed. He taps her..."Honey?" he whispers. She rolls over and again proceed to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband's dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore.

Well, the man decides to tap her again. "Honey?" he whispers. She rolls over and yells, "Oh sure! You don't have to get up in the morning!!!"


Next subject....well I suppose it must be Queen!

[Milims]

A return (kind of) to Andys story - which was fab!!
When I sang at our local pub my guitarist and I were introduced as Paul Norfolk and Helen Good - but more normally called Norfolk and Good - read it out loud!!!

And on a similar theme.........

The Pheasant Plucking Song

I'm not a pheasant plucker, I'm a pheasant plucker's son
I'm only plucking pheasants 'till the pheasant plucker comes.

Me husband is a keeper, he's a very busy man
I try to understand him and I help him all I can,
But sometimes in an evening I feel a trifle dim
All alone, I'm plucking pheasants, when I'd rather pluck with him.

I'm not a pheasant plucker, I'm a pheasant plucker's mate
I'm only plucking pheasants 'cos the pheasant plucker's late !

I'm not good at plucking pheasants, at pheasant plucking I get stuck
Though some pheasants find it pleasant I'd rather pluck a duck.
Oh plucking geese is gorgeous, I can pluck a goose with ease
But pheasant plucking's torture because they haven't any grease.

I'm not a pheasant plucker, he has gone out on the tiles
He only plucked one pheasant and I'm sitting here with piles !

You have to pluck them fresh, if it’s fresh they’re not unpleasant,
I knew a man in Dunstable who could pluck a frozen pheasant.
They say the village constable had pheasant plucking sessions
With the vicar on a Sunday ‘tween the first and second lessons.

I'm not a pheasant plucker, I'm a pheasant plucker's mum
I'm only plucking pheasants 'till the pheasant plucker's come.

My good friend Godfrey is most adept, he's really got the knack
He likes to have a pheasant plucked before he hits the sack.
I like to give a helping hand, I gather up the feathers,
It's really all our pheasant plucking keeps us pair together.

I'm not a pheasant plucker, I'm a pheasant plucker's friend
I'm only plucking pheasants as a means unto an end !

My husband's in the forest always banging with his gun
If he could hear me half the time I'm sure that he would run,
For there's fluff in all my crannies, there's feathers up my nose
And I'm itching in the kitchen from my head down to my toes.

I'm not a pheasant plucker, I'm a pheasant plucker's wife
And when we pluck together it's a pheasant plucking life !


Try singing it fast after several glasses of home brew!!!

[Wombat]

ok not really a joke but someone in Northampton decided to call his company sofa king. Fair enough, but then he decided to advertising his sale with huge posters around his building. "My prices are sofa king low." - say it out loud if you are wondering why the council got involved and made him take down the posters.

When I showed Mrs Wombat this, I thought she was gonna wet her pants she was laughing so hard!

Nev

[Andy Hamilton]

ok not really a joke but someone in Northampton decided to call his company sofa king. Fair enough, but then he decided to advertising his sale with huge posters around his building. "My prices are sofa king low." - say it out loud if you are wondering why the council got involved and made him take down the posters.

When I showed Mrs Wombat this, I thought she was gonna wet her pants she was laughing so hard!

Nev

Nice one, it tickled me too.

Ok, so there is no subject to go on at the moment so I will tell one of my favorites.

Why do elephants drink?
To forget.

Right then next subject is fly tipping and if that is too hard a knock, knock joke will do.

[ohareward]

If you didn't see me for a day would you forget me?
No of course not.
If you didn't see me for a week, would you foret me?
No I would not.
If you did not see me for a year, would you forget me?
No.
Knock-Knock!
Who's there?
See, you have forgotten me already.

Knock-knock!
Who's there?
Armageddon.
Armageddon who?
Armageddon out of here.

[Milims]

Knock knock
Who's there?
Banana
Banana who?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Banana
Banana who?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Banana
Banana who?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Banana
Banana who?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Banana
Banana who?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Orange
Orange who?
Orange you glad its not another banana!!

Next subject...........


Bread

[Millymollymandy]

Bonniegirl posted a subject several postings ago - Queen.

[Shirley]

Orange
Orange who?
Orange you glad its not another banana!!

That's the one knock knock joke that my 3 year old keeps on saying... well the only one he gets right anyway

[Kiwi]

* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.

* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a
Project failed,and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and
then leaves.

* ASSMOSIS.
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by
sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get
screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's
heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.


(This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

* SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.


What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops
working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

* SINBAD.
Single working girls.Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to
work again.

* ADMINISPHERE.
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file.


Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly
inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless
paperwork and processes.

* GOING FOR A McSHIT.
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're
just going to the bathroom. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your
declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a
McShit with Lies.

* 404.
Someone who's clueless.


From the World Wide! Web err or message "404 Not found" meaning that the
requested document could not be located.

* AUSSIE KISS.
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just Made
a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').


* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hairline.


* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works
in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying
stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level
of training.


* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from
the outside,but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.


* MONKEY BATH.
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa!
Aa! Aa!".


* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet
after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the
pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake
up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your
bed instead.

* BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at
3:00am.


* BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze
cruise,even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you
got here, and where you've come from.


* BREAKING THE SEAL.
Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After
breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be
required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's Got
4 buttocks.

[Wombat]

*.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and
then leaves.

You left out "eats all the food" and yep, that's me!

Nev