Trouble in paradise!

[Green Aura]

Hi
Don't want to bother you all but thought you may be able to give me a few ideas.

The problem is with my mother. She's 83, has always been independent and active. As many of you will know we moved up to Scotland to our dream life about a year ago. We only decided on this course of action because there's room here for all the family should they choose to live with us. Daughter declined and got her own place and my mother decided to come with us - following on later.

I went down to get her in May, to find her so stressed she was virtually plastered to the ceiling. Anyway 2 weeks after moving in she had a heart attack.

For a few weeks she was off her feet and needed quite a lot of help but now she's much better.

She's now making our life hell. She doesn't want to eat what we eat, so we compromise - all the time. She's commandeered the TV (which we rarely have on) to watch wall-to-wall soaps. She follows me round everywhere to see what I'm doing. She moans bitterly about the weather (despite the fact we were just about the only place in Britain that had a consistently good summer). She's stopped pursuing any of her hobbies and complains constantly of being bored. There are other things - too many to list really.

I know that life has changed a lot for her - not just coming here to live but her health and all, but her behaviour just seems unreasonable. I have a feeling she's spoiling for a fight so she can march back off in a huff to Manchester. The problem is that she would like to move in with our daughter and I can't allow that - she's 23 and deserves her own life.

All of this could be resolved to some extent if she'd get her own sitting room sorted (she has the biggest - huge - bedroom for a potential sitting room) - it needs plastering, flooring and decorating. Not hugely expensive but she refuses to let us pay for it and is waiting until her house is sold (which thankfully it just has - we hope). She could realistically have had it sorted for some time now but seems to want to stay in our sitting room.

I try to stay patient, but it's obvious that friends have stopped dropping in for a cuppa, and she's even trying to drive a wedge between me and OH, with some of her more devious behaviour.

I actually feel a bit better for just sharing this but any suggestions as to how we can deal with the situation - even just get her back into doing the crossword instead of watching the TV - would be very welcome.

[Annpan]

No Idea I am afraid, but just want to let you know that there is always a place on 'ish for you to vent, discuss, moan, rant, whatever.

Hope it is resolved soon.

[StripyPixieSocks]

I know this sounds awful but I'd put my foot down!

You should tell her you have your own life and you need to be free to pursue your hobbies or do things around the house in peace.

I know she's an adult but she's acting like a child who learns from doing x, y, and z that she can manipulate you to her ends and needs to be told NO!

I understand it must be stressful for her and perhaps she has no friends whom can call on her so maybe getting her to an old folks club in your area might be a starting point.

As for driving a wedge between you and your OH that wants stopping now.

I mean just take out the 82 and replace it with 2 for a moment and it could easily be an awkward child as well couldn't it? So resolve it as you would a child by laying down the guidelines and laws.

I'm fully aware that sounds harsh but it seems to have got to the point where harshness is needed... or firmness if you want a less horrible sounding word.

Sorry you're having a hard time and I hope it gets better soon.

[Shirley]

Was she like that before her heart attack? Before the move?

I agree that she needs to be told that her behaviour is just not acceptable.

Didn't realise you were from Manchester btw - same here.... and my daughter of 22 is still down there.

[invisiblepiper]

I have to agree with Pixie socks - assertively - not aggressively she has to be made aware that she cannot rule the roost.
It is awfully difficult, i really know - I pretty much avoid my mother for her interfering ways - which also leaves me feeling guilty - although she stil has my dad,
The heart attack could be partially responsible - one of the long term recovery symptoms can be the intesifying of personal traits ( eg: paranoia, being crabbit etc)
However she is probably also very scared - of dying - I think that is my mothers underlying problem - but their generation don't talk about such things. Are there any local groups she could join - or are you too remote? Try contacting social work for a start.
Hope that's some help.

[Green Aura]

Thanks for your support folks.

She had some of these tendencies soaps watching, deviousness etc, which my father kept in check when he was alive and I've managed quite successfully until recently.

I'm loathe to come down too heavy handed because I feel we've got all the power - she's all alone in our place. So I guess we've let all control go so as not to upset her.

I discovered recently that the last couple of months before she moved up she'd stopped cooking (ex-chef!) and was buying shit ready meals, and that she was having a lot of trouble sleeping worried by every night time noise.

We knew she would potentially be difficult - we lived next door to her for 20 years, but we thought, of course that the houses would sell, she'd have her own living space and we'd get together to eat and be there for her as necessary. Not all the time.

She sulked the other night because I went to a neighbours for a game of scrabble - she's never played Scrabble with me in nearly 50 years!

[ina]

Oh dear, Maggie - can't give you any good advice, I'm afraid - out of my experience... But I agree with Annpan, rant away, there's plenty of people here who don't mind listening. And at least I can keep my fingers crossed that you will find a solution soon. Let's hope the house is sold, and you can get her living room sorted. (I hate folks who won't let themselves be helped, but then make life hell for those who would like to help them!)

[weatherwax]

My Mother can be very trying, she is desperate to move in with us, but I can't do it, she drives a wedge between me and my sister at every opportunity and hates it if we get on or do something together.

I'm afraid we have learnt from experience that being firm with her and not letting her get her own way all of the time is the only way to handle her. We lay down ground rules and actually have to just ignore her when she starts on some of her more extreme rants

I know this sounds awful and don't get me wrong I love my mum to bits and I help her out at every opportunity, but I can't have her interfering that much with our lives,

[Rosendula]

Hi Maggie,

I know what it's like to have your parents trying to drive a wedge through your family - it's the reason I dumped mine last Christmas, and believe me, my life has been a whole lot better since then. I'm not saying dump your mother , but if you don't get it sorted now, that's what it might come to. Either that, or she will get that wedge driven in - you can't and mustn't let that happen to your marriage. For that reason, it is essential that you remember to talk openly with your husband and tell him your fears (even if he's heard it all a thousand times before). You need to both constantly remind each other how much you love each other and don't be afraid to express your affection for one another in front of your mother so that she can see that her attempts are not working.

You and your husband have also been through a lot of stressful changes recently, and it's time to say goodbye to the stress and welcome your new life. In fact, this is probably a really good time to rekindle some of the old lust - give him a massage, take a shower together, even just have a good old-fashioned snog! Make him feel special and remember why you fell in love.

Although I agree with everyone else that you need to be firm with your mother and put a stop to it, I am pleased that you are able to understand what an enormous change this has been for her - new house, new town, new scary health situation, etc., etc. So she does need a bit of extra love herself. Would it be possible for you to have a 'girly night out/in' with just you and your mum? Set half a day aside every week so that you can do something together - go for a walk, play bingo, watch a soap ?

One other suggestion re the meals - could you have a day where you cook your husbands favourite, then a day with your mother's favourite, and of course a day with your own favourite meals? Also, can you have a day off from cooking? Saturday in our house is 'get what you like day', where everyone eats what they want, when they want. It has helped to make my teenagers a bit more independent and to look after themselves a bit - it might work for your mother, too.

Best wishes and good luck.

[contadina]

Are there any OAP groups locally she could attend. Might be difficult to her interested at first, but some friends of her own age and crabbiness may take some of the pressure off you. Can she get hold of library books or anything else to hold her attention? If she's happy watching TV all day then a TV in her own room might be a good idea.

It sounds as though your mum is suffering from depression and has given up. Even so, she can't make everyone else's lives a misery. Time to explain your feelings to her and lay down some ground rules. Explain that there is no way she can live with your daughter and that she either makes the most of living with you or use her money from the house sale to move into sheltered accommodation.

With regards to meals, continue to make concessions (older peoples palates are usually quite different) but it might do her some good to sometimes say in advance that you are having something you know she doesn't like and suggest she makes her own dinner that day.

Good luck with it all. You are in a fairly unenviable position.

[Jandra]

No experience with living-in parents, but what I'd do:

1) Check if there is a physical cause for this behaviour: is she physically feeling well (or as well as can be expected at that age), no bladder infection, pains and aches etc.

2) Check mental problems: I know that elderly people find it harder to adapt to new circumstances and she is quite uprooted. Also people with Alzheimer reacte very poorly to change and can get cross and/or suspicious. No reason to panic, but it's worth finding out if all's clear on that front.

I'm not sure I agree with the 'put your foot down' approach.

I'd sit down with her and ask her how she had thought living in the new place with you would be. Ask her why she is distraught. Ask her why she is convinced that living with her granddaughter would be better/would make her happier. Ask her what might make it better for her where she is now.

Practical things might be: a tv in her own room, so that she doesn't need to bother you while watching. If her own room isn't comfortable then that's her problem as it's her own choice it hasn't been done yet (bit of put-foot-down approach ther, perhaps). But perhaps she feels daunted by things that used to be easy for her (choosing a colour scheme, organising things, etc.)

To me she seems unable to cope with the changes and that might be caused by her age or depression or Alzheimer's and she is pulling all the tricks she knows out of her hat to make her feel more in control. I wouldn't be too quick to fault her, as most people don't these things consciously nor because they *intend* to be mean or vicious. But they want control over their lives and if they feel it's slipping away they do funny things.

So perhaps it is an idea to step back from what you think you know about your mother and try to look at it from a distance, considering her advanced age.

Right, I'm not a psychotherapist or anything and I don't know you nor the lady involved. So it's just my 2 cents. It might give you a different perspective. But no solutions...

I think it's great you have taken her in and I hope you'll be able to work it out.

Good luck,
Jandra

[Rod in Japan]

Finding some more creative, challenging and participatory activities instead of watching TV might help. Getting out of the house just for short walks with her might be a start.

[Green Aura]

Several people have told us about a lunch club she can go to a couple of times a week. She's been reluctant but I've now got a good way in for her. I've been asked to do some massages for them so I'll be able to take her along with me.

I'm starting to get to grips with the situation, just telling you all about it focussed my mind, rather than just getting dragged down by it, and I've been taking on board all your suggestions, thanks.

Yesterday we had a much better day. I found her a ballet to watch on Sky Arts. I was able to get on with making some curtains because she was occupied and I was lulled by beautiful music, rather than shrieking soap stars (have you noticed how they rarely speak at normal tone).

I've managed over the last couple of months to freeze portions of food she's particularly fond of, so tonight OH and I are having a curry (yeaaaaaaahhhh!!!!) and she's having cottage pie.

We've also started to clear out her potential sitting room and if she doesn't get someone in then we're going to do it. That way even is she stays in our sitting room, we'll have somewhere to go and read, or chat. I'm sure, once we get started she'll get involved and want it done her way.

Thankyou all so much. It seems that telling does help - I'm usually the one taking on other peoples problems. It feels good to share.

[Shirley]

That sounds really positive Maggie.

Enjoy that curry

[Thomzo]

Hi
Well it sounds as if you are making progress. I can't really add any more suggestions as all the ones posted so far are really good ideas. I have had experience of elderly people who move house and they do find it far more stressful than you do when you are younger. But they do get over it. She has had loads of stress with the move to a new area, moving out of her own home and in with you and the heart attack. But she will come to terms with, accept and, maybe eventually, like her new situation. She will come to realise that living with you is a lot better than being in a care home far away from you and she will learn to appreciate all that you and your husband do for her.

Just hang on in there and things will get better.

Zoe