any ideas? sorry its long

[Mr and Mrs luvpie]

Ok so can any of you lovely people help us??

My middle son - 6 - has been on a dairy free diet for the last month in an attempt to help him with stomach problems. Since he was 6 months old and dairy was introduced into his diet he has had one type of problem or another starting with asthma which he finally grew out of when he was 4/5, but he still has a recurrent problem with getting stomach cramps, very loud rumbling stomachs and not being able to get to the toilet in time, therefore messing himself and following this he will isolate himself as he knows he smells and doesn't want other children to notice it.

Mr Luvpie has noticed that the dairy free has made a big difference in the number of accidents he has had to help clear up and even my son himself when asked feels that he is better when he is on dairy free, he has told me that he no longer gets tummy cramps and he actually gets enough warning to be able to get to the toilet on time, so where is my problem I hear you ask?

Well you see Mr luvpie is not his dad, and the boys dad has decided that despite the number of accidents this month (4 a month (and one of those was because I gave him normal milk by mistake ) rather than 4 a week) he does not need to be on dairy free diet any longer (I'm afraid I upset him and this is his way of getting back at me!) In the past my son has been tested for a dairy allergy and this test came back as not showing a clear positive, but having more of a reaction than the control patch, so there is clearly something about dairy in my eyes.

So is there any sort of herbal/natural supplement that I can give him that might help him to cope with dairy products, I really don't want the little fella having problems with the food he is eating at his dads or am I best just to put him back on dairy food at mine as well so that he does not have to two completely different diets?

Any ideas/experiences you have had will be more than greatfully received (oh I've been informed that murder is not an option - damn those laws!)

Sarahx

[red]

best i can suggest is you get professional help - go the the gp and demand to be seen by a specialist (they *have* to refer you if you insist, so dont be fobbed off) and go through the process. Then with official advice in your hands, you can approach their dad and talk it through. if of course the official advice is dairy free is not making a difference.. then maybe you should look for something else that is causing the problems

you do have my sympathy.. it is difficult when the other parent lives elsewhere and there are different rules in different houses etc. I had to have a show down about shoes re my son... he wears orthotic devices and at the time also had special shoes.. and ex had a 'no shoes in the house' rule. well his gf did. well thats nice.. tidy carpet etc. but my son depended on his shoes! sigh.... i got it in writing from the orthotist... no bare feet....

[Mr and Mrs luvpie]

If only life was that easy, the GP is who has asked for dairy free trial and 2 out of 3 adults in ds's life think its working but the dad just won't have any of it - he's the kind of guy who would fill the kid up with chocolate as a toddler when he was dairy free then and then pass him back to me to clean up the literal mess the next day, I have heard somewhere that it is possible to get a lactose enzyme or the like to help to digest the dairy products but know nothing else about it, would obviously like to hear/learn from anyone who has used such a thing rather than just hearing about it from those people advertising it etc.

I'm glad the letter worked for your son red, but the dad won't listen to anything the dr says, he belives that the gp is on my side of trying to make the boy 'special'.

Oh well next dr's appointment is now booked for tomorrow evening, gp had said he would refer the little fella to dietician but that could take sometime and in the meantime he will have to live with two types of diet which is not ideal.

[red]

oh well, just a thought.

[MrsD'ville mkII]

How infuriating, just when you think you're on the way to solving the problem.

I had two ideas, but I have no idea if your son's father will accept them or if it would make DS' visits uncomfortable. The first is to send DS for his visits armed with lactose-free or soya milk or whatever he has, so that your ex isn't required to buy something 'fancy', which is always a red rag in these situations. The other suggestions is that you 'train' your son to refuse regular dairy products - I presume his father wouldn't force feed him? My now 6 yo daughter had to avoid citrus for a couple of years, and even at the tender age of four knew to refuse orange juice, lemon squash, orange segments etc if she was somewhere where I couldn't pounce and refuse them on her behalf. I would think a six year old could do that, especially as he himself has noticed the benefit, but I know standing firm in the face of a parent can be tough. I would imagine it's only a matter of time though until DS really does stand firm on this of his own volition as he won't want to be having accidents like that as he gets older. Surely his father doesn't like the accidents either, or is DS not with him long enough for the dairy to have its effect?

The drastic third suggestion is that you refuse to allow DS to visit his father unless his father co-operates, but I doubt that's desirable. It's the pits when an ex tries to undermine what you do, my stepchildren's mother is just the same despite effectively choosing her violent new husband over her children whom she offloaded onto us (who willingly took them as her environment was so godawful). I could scream...

[Mr and Mrs luvpie]

well tonight both boys refused to go to their dads tomorrow, the youngest worries that his dad will tell him off for not eating what he gives them, the man seems to have an allergy to anything healthy, he's the type that thinks 'if it's not got an e number it's wrong'

Like you said dairy free at ours means no accidents whilst he is at his dads and then loads when he comes home - poor little bugger. I suppose that i just wait to see what the gp says I'm tempted to get him to rule everything else out so as to only leave what i think the problem is then his dad would have to listen.

[shell]

hi this must be awful for you,i have a lactose intolerence but sometimes when i`m out still have milk in tea as its all my friends have,this little amount dosn`t affect me ,perhaps this is what is making you ex think your boy is ok?does he stay long enough and for enough meals to show the problem? i have 6 year old triplets and i would hate to see them fed something thats upsets them but i would grin and bear it to let my spouse see the problem for himself,can he stay for a weeks holiday or even 2 weeks over the summer hols?leaving instructions that if he shows any signs of illness take him straight to the docs to treat,and to let you know if a problem occurs,and also be able to phone your boy regular to chat to him,if its not dairy your ex may actually find the cause as he may pick up on something else thats irritating your boys tummy,goood luck
just thought, is your water supply ok? could it be the clorine in your water and your ex has a different supplier

[lsm1066]

Well you see Mr luvpie is not his dad, and the boys dad has decided that despite the number of accidents this month (4 a month (and one of those was because I gave him normal milk by mistake ) rather than 4 a week) he does not need to be on dairy free diet any longer (I'm afraid I upset him and this is his way of getting back at me!)

I'm sorry. Let me get this straight. His father knows that dairy will cause "accidents" and knows that these will have a profound psychological effect on his son (keeping himself apart from other kids etc) and he gives him dairy because you upset him? Is that not child abuse?

Anyway, insist the GP refers him to a clinical nutritionist or, at the very least, the allergy clinic. Because as far as I can see from what you're saying, he is at the very least dairy intollerant, if not actually allergic. My niece has a similar problem although after a few years of trial and catastrophic error, she's now fine with goat's milk.

There is of course another option, which is to report their dad to social services and make it so he's only allowed visits supervised by a social worker and that he's not allowed to feed them anything the social worker doesn't approve. It strikes me, since the kids don't want to go to their dad, that they feel he's being deliberately cruel by feeding them in this way.

Your former dh kind of reminds me of the statementing system. You get a statement for your child which says they need 25 hours a week one to one attention. They get it. But the school still can't cope. So they increase it to 35 hours and the child gets on really well. As a result, the support gets reduced back to 25 hours because "he's doing so well and improving so much, he can't possibly need that level of support any more". Ok. Getting personal there. Sorry. I'll shut up now.

Lynne

[Russian Doll]

i have the same problem hun amys 6 and is not allowed dairy but daddy thinks giving her maltesers wont hurt as its only a liitle bit of chocalate....we trained amy to say no to chocalte whatsover and gave her own supply of sweets in a special box to take to her dads...now to the gits frustration she wont eat his choclate etc and even asks if its soya milk in the mash

mrs f..yes my amy is still a stubborn girl

[Mr and Mrs luvpie]

I must admit it is nice to know that it is not just me who thinks the guy is an idiot, we've decided - me and the boys that they will wait outside whilst I talk to the gp this evening, as despite everything I think I will not slate their father - I just bite my tounge and wait for them to come to their own opinions of him, but as the dr was a work collegue then I know that he will understand the situation and will hopefully agree to run tests to get everything ruled out so once and for all we have a proper diagnosis.

In regards to your suggestions/comments Lynne I'm afraid to say that the guy is just that type of person, he text to say DF was stopping the day after I refused to lie to the council for him as he wanted a council house, normally I back down after he threatens or is unfair to the boys but just for once I'm not going to roll over, he has in the past been warned by social services for 'accidently' bending the eldests arm up his back, but unfortunately because the eldest has some emotional difficulties both social services and his psychologist felt it was safer to keep him in contact with his dad than stop contact or place restrictions on it and risk him blowing up again - ironic I feel that it is deemed better for him to see the person who they all feel was the route of his problems

Oh and Shell how do you cope with 3 being the same age, I thought 3 of differing ages was tough but don't know how many babies I could have managed at the same time

Anyway I intend to make the boys extra night in the luvpie house as much fun as possible, so have agreed to let the eldest play football, his father had cancelled it on saturday as he had a cold but is fine now, they have got roast chicken for tea and they are getting another night at their running club, something they always want to do but aren't able as their dad lives in the next town and won't bring them back for it. We've also made it clear to them and their school that if they get worried or change their minds about going to his then we will get them over there as soon as they tell us, but hey we'll be having so much fun, I've even made chocolate cake!

[Milims]

I did write a reply - but thought it might be best to PM you with it - I think it might have been a bit ranty But I'm well and truly on your side!

[red]

as despite everything I think I will not slate their father - I just bite my tounge and wait for them to come to their own opinions of him,

absolutely right. They have to reach their own opinions. (hard though eh... hugs)

[Russian Doll]

as despite everything I think I will not slate their father - I just bite my tounge and wait for them to come to their own opinions of him,

absolutely right. They have to reach their own opinions. (hard though eh... hugs)

totally agree hun my mother always says when im feeling stressed and wanting to cut the exs privates of ...when the girls get older they will look back and they wont remeber all the toys etc theyll rember the walks in the woods and what you gave up for them

[MrsD'ville mkII]

when the girls get older they will look back and they wont remeber all the toys etc theyll rember the walks in the woods and what you gave up for them

Exactly what I think about my skids, who currently view their mother as an angel as she buys them whatever variety of tat they want when they go to stay with her, despite paying us less than half the maintenance she should because she 'can't afford any more' - largely because she's supporting her layabout husband's fag habit. B*ll***s to that. I remind myself that I remember from my childhood time I spent with my parents and how loving they were and how they approached problems and all that business, not what I got for Christmas. I had a good old rant about this in 'Very un-eco parenting' or something like that a few weeks back

Anyway my ranting doesn't help Mrs L. Your plans sound deliciously underhand in a 'really fun for the boys' way! Good luck with getting all this sorted out - sounds like the problems go way further than just the dairy issue.

[emmsy]

when the girls get older they will look back and they wont remeber all the toys etc theyll rember the walks in the woods and what you gave up for them

Exactly what I think about my skids, who currently view their mother as an angel as she buys them whatever variety of tat they want when they go to stay with her, despite paying us less than half the maintenance she should because she 'can't afford any more' - largely because she's supporting her layabout husband's fag habit. B*ll***s to that. I remind myself that I remember from my childhood time I spent with my parents and how loving they were and how they approached problems and all that business, not what I got for Christmas. I had a good old rant about this in 'Very un-eco parenting' or something like that a few weeks back

Anyway my ranting doesn't help Mrs L. Your plans sound deliciously underhand in a 'really fun for the boys' way! Good luck with getting all this sorted out - sounds like the problems go way further than just the dairy issue.

i would suggest getting a referral from the dr to see a specialist. There was this man i used to work with and he had split with his x, same problem their little girl would have stomach problems when on dairy, he had to take her to drs as the mother refused as she was far too busy looking after her other children
Anyway they cut dairy out and she has been much better. Most of it is lactose problem rather then dairy which you can get chocolate without lactose, and also goats milk is better for kids if you can buy that i know its a bit more expensive but there are some horror stories out there about soya especially for girls there's some sort of chemical in it that can mess up hormones