Any hints for saying NO?

[Alice Abbott]

At the moment we live in total chaos in a three storey house with no upper floors and no mains water or electricity.

We now have a beautiful newly tiled kitchen floor but no facilities in the kitchen other than a wood burning range, a marble slab on a barrel, a big home-made table made from sanded and oiled scaffolding planks plus two similar benches, a pair of buckets (one for washing up when it's filled with hot water from the range and the other for rinsing) and a couple of shelves which hold all our other kitchen goods, crockery, pans etc. The buckets double as our personal washing space too, we have a tin bath for use in the winter and right now we have an outdoor shower with lovely warmed water from a big plastic tank on one of the barn roofs.

Our living area currently has a bare earth floor, a huge open fireplace which we will use in the winter and houses two camp beds for our children which we use to sit on during the day time. The ceiling is open right up to the (newly tiled) roof with nothing but beams showing for the upper floor and attic and this can only be accessed by ladder from the hallway. Last year we laid a huge tarpaulin over the beams to keep the living area cosy - this was in fact lovely.

The dining room is currently having a new oak floor fitted but doubles as our bedroom with the only "new" piece of furniture we possess, our bed. Other than various makeshift little tables and stools plus hanging rails and hooks this constitutes our current living arrangement. Oh, and we have an outside "privy" which is little more than a hole in the ground which drains, when it's in the right mood, to what may or may not be an antiquated fosse at the end of the garden - we haven't dared investigate yet.

Now suddenly my mother seems to want to plan a Christmas visit. She would be flying in from San Francisco to London, then presumably to somewhere like La Rochelle (which would involve us in a longish round trip to pick her up). Much as I love her and haven't seen her for a few years I'm horrified at the prospect! Although we all seem to be muddling through quite happily here I just don't see her, 1960s/70s hippy or not, finding one single aspect of this lifestyle acceptable. No telephone, no electrics, no drains, no TV, no giant size refridgerator, no instant heating, no hot power showers, no spare room... the list goes on and on. The thought of traditional Christmas cooking is scary and we are on a self-imposed strict budget this year which will probably not stretch further than a box of chocolates and small presents for the children.

Basically I have to say a big NO without offending her forever. I feel mean as she hasn't even see my daughter in the flesh and last saw her only grandson when he was a baby. However I just dread the thought of making excuses for how we are living for a fortnight. If she lived "locally" (ie the UK) a few days might be acceptable but it's unreasonable to excpect her to stay for such a time when she would be flying for travelling for around 14 hours. Am I becoming paranoid or can anyone a) give suggestions to cool me down and see this might work or b) help me formulate a polite but firm refusal?

[lazyspice]

I would take a few photos, email them to her and say much as you'd love to see her, the house is very much a work in progress and having her to stay would simply not be practical at the moment

[Millymollymandy]

Does she actually know what your living conditions are like - i.e. spelt out in black and white like you've just written here? She might change her mind pronto!

Otherwise how about she checks into a cheapo motel or gite or b&b for the duration, then she can still spend her days with the family and see you all.

[Alice Abbott]

I love the gite idea! I'll check them out. It means SHE could do the Christmas day entertaining too. I'll take some pictures of the house to show her why it might be a good idea to think about staying with us...

I'm glad I was still fiddling around with the internet today (normally I sign in, do whatever I need to and go but I was ordering some extra wine yeast online) because it's given me a bit of a reprieve from having to compose an email to her to saying no. Perhaps it can be a "maybe" instead...

[red]

gite idea is great - she can pay..... sorry but she can... and you can decamp there for Xmas day, which she can cook in the fully functional house etc

you have to be honest about your situation and financial state of play.

[Thomzo]

I think the others have said exactly what I was going to suggest. You could suggest that you forego Christmas presents if she's worried about the cost. Her present to the family is to provide the meal.

Zoe

[ina]

I agree with all that's been said - but just one more idea: how about you send her the link to this site?

[Alice Abbott]

So in the end I didn't say no. The deed is now done, flights booked, etc. I DID manage to talk her into hiring a car (but surely it isn't that far from Paris to where you are? ... only 800 k approx round trip so no way!!) and she will be installed in the only gite in the village. I've already seen it, it's enormous and lots of room for a Christmas party.

I did as you suggested and sent some photos. The deciding factor was the lack of power to work her hairdryer! I know she will come totally laden with gifts so we are now busily inventing Xmas presents which cost next to nothing and which will fit in her bag for the return flight. Homemade jams etc will be out of the question but we have LOTS of lavender, aloe and rosemaryso that has lots of potential for lotions etc.

Thanks for your tips, perhaps we can now live to fight another day!

[lazyspice]

A weight off your mind, I'm sure - well done!

[paul123456]

Hello there ,

good thing it worked out , a good read .
I would like to see your picture of your table of scaffold boards , I have the same idea of wood.

regards ,

Paul

[MKG]

Ah - it's all done. I was going to suggest telling her all about the local spider - the Merda taurorum. You know the one - a single bite and your face falls off. Still, now you have it for next time.

On the other hand, I bet she enjoys every minute - and you too.

Mike

[red]

Ah - it's all done. I was going to suggest telling her all about the local spider - the Merda taurorum. You know the one - a single bite and your face falls off. Still, now you have it for next time.

Alice:glad you have ti sorted - let us know how it goes.

[Millymollymandy]

That's great news - I'm sure you'll all have a fabulous time and I bet mum won't be expecting loads of gifts back - I expect all grannies love to give the grandkids pressies and wouldn't expect lots in return.