A rant, AKA exs cant live with em cant kill em, seems unfair

[Mr and Mrs luvpie]

Hope you don't mind me off loading here, otherwise if I off load to the person I want to then I think (and have been told by mr luvpie in no uncertain terms) that it would make things worse.

In about 30 minutes my ex husband will be dropping the older two boys home, having collected them on tuesday afternoon, he is currently demanding more access to them, we initially turned his request down as we have both arranged our shift patterns around having as much time with the boys as a family as possible, but we did offer him an alternative idea, one we had discussed with the boys and they were happy with. His next move was to get a solicitor to write and demand even more extra time that he would have the boys, he initially asked for 1 friday night a month, we offered 2 sunday nights a month, he hasn't mentioned this but is now demanding 2 friday nights a month, oh and having them from lunch time on christmas day..

Part of me wants to roll over and say whatever and let him do whatever as the stress is just getting worse, but as we have talked to the boys and they have said that they want to keep the arrangement as it stands I feel that I have to fight it for them, their dad doesn't listen to them over anything and they feel that they are not able to ask him, the younger of the two won't even tell him that he wants to grow his hair as he knows he won't let it so he just gets it cut and then complains to me about it!!

I really want to stop him when he lets the kids out of his car and ask him to talk to them, but he won't listen to me, let alone them, supposedly I'm to threatening to him, that comes from the person who made me live in hell for 6 yrs and only left when he was arrested for ABH against me! I'm also really pissed off as I've just found the mediation service that he has been advised to us, they will not talk to the children, or take their views into account unless they are 9 yrs +, so my 7yr old would not have a say in what happens to him, and they will also not talk to the eldest one, unless both parents give their consent, and thier dad isn't likely to do that.

It just makes me so cross at the moment, the eldest boy has problems coping with changes and has said that he wants to keep to what he knows and understands, the younger one was even heard to say that he doesn't want to go their at all at one point, let alone any more days! I think I'm also so cross as he has only just started to demand extra time with the boys, and extra overnight stays, this demand has happened shortly after I was contacted by the council about his housing claim, and because I wouldn't lie to they and told them the truth instead he was not allowed any points or allocation of space for the boys as they don't stay with him often enough!! Strange coinsidence hey!

Oh well rant over, the boys have just run in and look pleased to be at home, I did double check with them what they wanted to do about the overnight stays and they have both again said they don't want to change anything, sort of wish I'd got them to talk to him now!!! Oh well I suppose I have to look at spending £300 at least on mediation to get the kids what they want, the joys of it being the company in the area will only allow 1 person per side in, so I'm going to have to sit in a room with a man who controlled me for 8 yrs and is a nasty nasty piece of work...it was only 2 months ago we had to change our phone number to stop his nasty calls to us!

When this pregnancy is over I am going to express loads and get very very very drunk, either because this still isn't sorted out, or to celebrate!

Thanks for listening


Sx

[Annpan]

[thesunflowergal]

Sarah.
I am sorry that I do not have any practical advice to offer, but I did not want to read and run. I know its very differcult but please try not to get too stressed out, try to think of your little bean too.
Take care xx

[Thomzo]

Oh what a horrible time for you all.

My only piece of practical advice is that it will all work itself out in the end. I know it doesn't seem like it now but things will settle down and get easier.

If it is going to cause so much stress and money to get this sorted, would it work to see if you can bargain something else for increased access? Or maybe the boys would be slightly happier to spend one more day a month with their father IF he took them to football practice or whatever else they do in the evenings. They wouldn't be alone with him for so long and perhaps, being around other parents with them, he might realise his behaviour isn't so good.

Perhaps you can sell it to them by saying that you would spend the £300 on something you and they could do together instead? A day at a theme park or something.

Just a thought, but you know your situation the best so you must decide what's right.

Good luck in whatever you choose.

Zoe

[red]

[Brij]

Oh sweetheart!

Having been one of those children that was in the position your boys are in, I can only tell you that they will forever be grateful to you for standing up for what they want.

Just remember, you are better than him and strong enough to cope with it, and it will not go on forever. You clearly know what is right and what is wrong, so just stand by it. Make sure you keep all evidence of any dealing with the man, such as when you offered him 2 Sunday nights a week... Especially if you can prove that he ignored the message!

It makes me so sad that there are people in the world like him.

[Rosendula]

[Mr and Mrs luvpie]

Finally we get the next step of this, and have made my appointment for mediation, I have only made it provisionally though as I have asked to be informed as to whether or not he has given permission for the service to speak to the children. If he has then I'll go, if he refuses (which I think he will do) I will not go. I've told the service that I am not trying to be difficult, merely trying to voice the kids requests. I could sit in a room till hell freezes over and if he doesn't realise that the kids don't want to go to his for extra days then we will never meet an agreement.

My eldest sons counsellor came round today to discuss his progress, just after the first phone call to mediation, so I was alittle stressed, she is shocked at what the ex has done, even she said, as the eldest has been working with her for 3 yrs nearly now, and all his problems stem from not being able to cope with any change, the most important thing is to let the boys decide.

The mediation service have yet to get back to me, as supposedly everything the ex said in his first meeting with them is confidential, well they can confidentially tell him I think he is a complete *&*&*&*&****!!!!!!

What is the point of mediation about child care arrangements when they won't speak to the children??????????????

[Mr and Mrs luvpie]

Oooh

Just as I pressed submit they called back.

Ex has not given permission for them to speak to children as it was not something that they discussed with him in his first meeting, supposedly it is not the norm to speak to kids in their service so they don't ask in the first meeting. I would have to attend the first £80 meeting and ask for the kids to be spoken to, that would then be taken to the first mediation meeting £80-£170 where ex would be and then he could either agree/refuse or ask for time to think about it!

I've suggested that they write to him and ask as I will not attend unless the children are involved!

Am I being difficult? Should I just go? I don't know!

[Mr and Mrs luvpie]

The kids would never be allowed in, they would be spoken to in a seperate meeting on a seperate day, it's just frustrating, I suppose it annoys me more as it is going to cost so much to not get anywhere except into court, which will then cost even more. It is going to cost us at least £160 to even get him to consider listening to the kids, let alone then having more meetings to try and come to an agreement. In fact the first meeting is a meeting to discuss what will be discussed in the mediation, I have never heard of such a long winded money making scheme as mediation I really haven't (discounting all schemes run by banks, energy companies and supermarkets of course!)

I still have my provisional appointment for the end of the month, but the mediator for the case only works on the days I do, so I will have to be taking unpaid leave for the meetings as well as paying out for them.

(Right under the computer desk is a big bucket of apple wine, it smells really really good, completely off topic I know, but it does!)

I'm just really struggling to see how a service can think that with kids who are old enough to make decisions are not allowed to be involved with making the biggest decision about their care, it's not as if they are toddlers, thay are clever articulate kids who are aware that they go to their dads on set days and know exactly where they stand, they are also aware that we have always involved them in any decision about them and their lives.

[prison break fan]

Like Thesunflowergirl I didn't feel right reading about all your troubles without saying something! All I can offer is sympathy, and say that one day your boys will realise what a fantastic mum they have. Good luck! X pbf.

[Graye]

Sorry if I missed this bit but wouldn't a formal report from your older son's counsellor carry some weight here, especially as she is obviously concerned about the effects of a changed regime on him?

[Mr and Mrs luvpie]

The mediation service will not accept any information from outside parties, as I've asked them if they would accept a report from the counsellor if the ex refuses to allow them to talk to the kids.

The ex has ignored the suggestion that the counsellor talk to the kids and then feed back to both of us, something that she has offered to do.

The plus side of it all is he stopped talking to us, apart from to shout at me in the car park of his flat telling me what a little **** our eldest son was, he had had a bad day, well the kid has behavioural problems and has done for the past 9 yrs, get used to it, in fact admit that he has bad days with you rather than trying to paint yourself as the perfect parent then perhaps the kid might get some decent help!!!

I'm hoping that the mediator doesn't phone back till tomorrow when mrluvpie is here and I am at work, although they are not keen on talking to him as I am the named respondant (well he's their step dad and is as concerned and involved as I am!) as the receptionist I spoke to this morning wasn't too happy when I told them that I didn't agree with the way their service worked and how the hell could they sell themselves in their leaflets as people who were concerned about the childrens welfare if they did not speak to the children in all cases??? Ops but hey I was really really annoyed at that point!

[Russian Doll]

hugs hun..i can tottaly relate whith what your going through as im going through the same myself...i wont go in detail on board as my ex is a sneaky git who does google my name to find out stuff and this forum does come up

pm me if ya want but also for you to get a little strength back have you thought about seeing if there is a freedom proggrame near you..its for people who have been abused now or in the past physically or emotionally....all im going to say is that as a former abussee its the best thing i have ever done

[Green Aura]

Hi Sarah, sorry I missed all this before. I've seen how distressing all this can be.

Although I've no personal experience, I've spent many years with a friend whose husband's ex played very similar games with her child. My knowledge is a few years old though and I know these things get changed regularly.

Has this mediation service been suggested by the family court, or your ex's solicitor? I've not heard of paying for mediation.

My friend and her husband generally found the family court very fair, not always coming down on their side, but what they decided were in the best interests of the child. And they always asked his opinion.

I'm sure you've looked at all options but if you've not tried them it might be worth a go.