P**sed-off member

[MKG]

If this one doesn't get through, I'm going to send Andy a rocket (my message does NOT contain too few or too many characters!!!!!)

I just spent a half-hour composing a message to you all on the unfairness of the world (and the unfairness, in particular, of daughters having children). It was wonderful, meaningful and heartfelt. And it got lost in the amazingly idiotic way such things do. Did I press the wrong button? I think not.

What the hell - such is life. And I can't be bothered to do the soul-searching again. Suffice it to say that, at this very moment, I am not at all enamoured of the female side of this life deal. I fail - completely and utterly - to see the "logic" involved. It doesn't really matter what that logic is, does it?

Over the last two years, I've sequentially discovered that I have two grandsons - a sixteen-year-old and a fifteen-year-old - and a rather gorgeous seven-year old granddaughter. To top it all, I find that I have a totally new grandson (different daughter) who is a mere three months old. I had no knowledge whatsoever of that event until my mother (still alive, bless her cotton socks) showed me a photo - a photo I then discovered openly displayed on Facebook. Apparently, the rest of the f***ing world is a damn sight more important than am I.

This, coupled with the fact that the daughter who has the two grandsons and gorgeous granddaughter (but about whom I knew nothing until said two years ago) has decided to pretend that she never ever established contact in the first place, has been what has made me post under the title ... P**sed-off memeber.

Anyone who feels they can tell me why exactly I should NOT be P**sed off - well, have a go. Believe me, anything at all would be better than the blue funk sort of thing I'm in right now.

[contadino]

I can't answer your question, I'm afraid, but I wouldn't let my parents any where near my children (if I had any.) Their bigotry, racism, and intolerance aren't something I'd want my children to be exposed to.

Obviously, I'm not saying that you fall into the same bracket. I'm just saying there are valid reasons.

[Bluemoon]

I wouldn't have let my in-laws near my kids either. They really didn't need the constant belittling that my OH put up with from the age where he could first talk. They weren't racists or anything, just self centred, boring people who only recognised success if it fell within their own definitions of it, and thus my OH was forced to leave school for a job he loathed at 16 because, to them, money was the most important thing in the world. He eventually went to uni and achieved great things there, but only after we were married and he had the support of me and my family. We now have grandchildren of our own and, assuming these people are still alive, I wouldn't let them near those either, as contadino says sometimes there are reasons. Having said that, if I were kept away from my grandkids I'd be heartbroken. Best wishes to you MKG, it must be awful.

[The Riff-Raff Element]

I cannot think of many things worse than being estranged from my family. You have my sympathy, for what it is worth, and I very much hope you find a way to overcome this.

[red]

yeh - what Jon said.

I'm sorry to hear this, MKG. must be very difficult for you.

[Thurston Garden]

I never met either of my Grandfathers. Really wish I had. One more so than the other. One committed suicide and the other bu55ered off before I was born.

On the other hand two of my cousins have children and never even think of visiting my/their Gran even although they only live 8 miles away. No particular reason, probably selfish thoughtlessness on their part. My Gran is now of an age where she has probably forgotten that they even exist.

Some parents may well have reasons for not keeping contact. Others (like my cousins) just don't care about their family. I for one hope my second cousins don't feel the same way I do about not ever seeing, never mind having a relationship with my Grandfathers. So MKG you sure have my sympathy. And seeing them on Facebook must have been terrible. I have only seen two photos of the GF who bu44ered off. I have never seen a photo of the one who died. They must exist somewhere.

A close friend's father (now in his 60's) mother died when he was a very young child. He was at a village gathering when someone gave him an old photo and said they though it would be his mother. Ian had never ever seen a photo of his mother - he had no idea what she even looked like. I can't imagine how he felt that day seeing her for the first time, aged 60.

[Graye]

I'm sorry to hear of your problems with your daughters. I must be one of nature's pacificists without really realising it because nothing causes me more distress than families who are continually at war. You can't choose your family and you have to deal with what you are given. Some of mine drive me crazy but I still love them all. I always thought the really good thing is that you can tell them exactly what you think and clear the air. For instance, if they interfere with your ideas of child rearing etc just say so, not cut them off from your life. My maternal grandmother was ace at creating problems and one could never tell which part of the family was speaking at any given time. And no one ever knew what the latest "sin" was, etc. In a way it was funny as the rifts never did last long but I'm glad it's all over and done with since she died.

Is there some underlying misunderstanding which created this problem in the first place? Could they be a little concerned you will not maintain contact with the children? Mothers are amazingly protective if they think their childrens' feelings will be hurt by rejection! Do they actually realise how you feel? Is there no way you can contact your daughters without being confrontational so that you can at least clear the air?

[Rosendula]

... I wouldn't let my parents any where near my children (if I had any.) Their bigotry, racism, and intolerance aren't something I'd want my children to be exposed to.

Are you my brother? I'm sure we have the same parents . Dumped 'em last Christmas.

[hedgewitch]

MKG you have my sincere sympathies - I only hope you can rebuild some kind of relationship with your grand children and your daughters as well.
Maybe you've already done this so ignore me if that's the case - but I firmly believe contact with your daughters and trying to burn any bridges will be essential.
You might have to prepare yourself for a lot of flack (not knowing your history or anything) but if you are determined to heal all wounds you will have to accept this. You are the parent in this situation, regardless of the fact your children are now adults.

As an after thought - if you have had no relationship with your children - would knowing about your grand children have made a difference? I ask this for the simple fact that my father hasn't been in my life since I was 7 years old (that's 28 years!!) I have a son that he has never met, never communicated with but he has always known of his existence and as far as I can see it hasn't made a difference what-so-ever.

[witch way]

I have a friend who's brother didn't speak to her for two years and she didn't know why. When her mother was in hospital dying she bumped into him at the hospital and they were forced to speak. They then found out that said mother had been stirring it up between them something rotten. The answer I suppose it just to try to keep in direct contact and ask why they didn't keep in touch, but hedgewitch is right, you may hear a load of stuff you don't like. Good Luck. ww

[Annpan]

I have huge problems with my mum, haven't got round to dumping her yet... but TBH it would make my life a hell of a lot simpler and stop me from crying so much. She also thinks she has some 'rights' to see my child and I completely disagree. If I have another child, I might not tell my mother.

There are many reasons for these family rifts (with us it is the never ending 'games' - which follows years of poor parenting, mental abuse and criticism)

It is sad sometimes but not knowing both sides of the story, who knows what the reasons are.

[Rosendula]

Now I have a little more time, I have just re-read the original message and realised that my previous reply was unhelpful, and may also have come across as insensitive. I never mean to hurt anyone, so if I have I am really sorry.

In my own situation, I put up with my parents being horrible to me all my life, then being horrible to Richard, to me about Richard, and to my children about Richard. I put up with them trying to split us up, even after our daughter was born (my son is from my previous marriage, although Richard has brought him up as his own). I even put up with them being horrible to me about my daughter (who they don't like because she is Richard's daughter). I even turned a deaf ear when my 'father' called Katie weird because she cried a lot when she was only a few months old! When they started being nasty TO my eldest daughter ON PURPOSE (and inadvertently horrible to my son as well), I decided enough was enough, and that's why I told them where to go.

I know this little story does not help, but what I am trying to say is that everyone who chooses not to communicate with their family has their reasons. Sometimes, as witch way has shown, the reasons might be down to a misunderstanding, or inaccurate information. You need to work out what those reasons are. Ask yourself questions, like when did you lose contact with your children? Was there an argument that went unresolved? Did they accuse you of something they can't forgive you for (whether or not you did what they accused you of)?

On another point, I have a sister that I haven't communicated with for many, many years (she's just like my father, so much so they hate each other and haven't talked for a lot of years, too! Families, eh!). At first, we always sent birthday and Christmas cards to each other and to the children, but that was all. It started when I became pregnant with my eldest daughter, my sister and I had a row about something (I asked my health visitor for advice on something that my sister had already told me the answer to, so she accused me of calling her a liar and not trusting her. My baby's health was in question, so I wanted to double check. I think I would have been stupid not to.) After that, she showed no interest and has never even met Christina who is now 14. So when I found out I was pregnant again 3 years ago, I had no reason to tell her. Then, when Katie was born, I sent an announcement card through the post to my sister to let her know, thinking this was the right thing to do. She sent a snotty letter back stating that I should have told her I was pregnant, and if that's the way I want to be we should cease all contact. She then didn't send any more birthday or Christmas cards.

Another story that is useless to you, but I just wanted to show that sometimes, doing what you think is the right thing is misinterpreted and taken in offense.

Good luck with whatever happens. I hope you can work it out so that you, your children and your grandchildren are all happy with it.

[Big Al]

My mother in law to be said to me" you know Alan when Amanda marries you tomorrow she is marrying beneath herself"

21 years gone March we have been married and she still trys to split us up.

[SarahJane]

Families! They are beyond comprehension sometimes!

I would love to go into detail on here and let go of some frustration but I wont as I know that its very possible my ex husband may read it (as my son is a board member) and I really cant be bothered with any more trouble or hassle thrown in my direction.

But on reading previous posts on here I find myself nodding in agreement and finding that mine is not the only dysfunctional family out there.

I do hope that you manage to getthings sorted out. I cant imagine not having contact with my children and grandchild, even though we do "disagree" from time to time. If I didnt have them I would be devastated, so I am trying to imagine how hurt you must feel at finding out via facebook about your family! It must have been terrible!

It also makes me feel very lucky that I have a good relationship with my 2 and a wonderful relationship with my grandchild.

Whatever the reasons for the non communication in the past, I hope there is some way you can rescue your relationships with your children.

My ex has never met his grandchild and I doubt that he ever will now......and despite my dislike for the man I feel very sad that he is missing out, my grandchild has brought me more pleasure that I can express. I hope all works out for you.

[MKG]

You know, I think I've been in here only once since I posted that - what a stupid thing to do!. I do believe that you lot are probably one of the most supportive groups on the net. Anyway - sorry to have dumped that little load on you. It's my problem, and I'd probably drunk too much wine. But thanks for all your thoughts - it's really is nice to know that someone cares when you're dealing with the blue meanies.