How can I be?

[boboff]

Now you will have to bear with me on this.

You will notice that periodically on here we all discuss motivation and guilt, and wanting to do more than we have done. It's not just an "ish" thing i know, but I have come to a conclusion that "happiness" for me in any event comes mainly from getting things done. This is a bit of a hindrance in many ways, as when you don't do "things" you are left feeling a bit rubbish.

My question is does anyone have an answer to how you can train yourself to be happy just "being" Just being, yourself, alone, happy, with family, with life.

I'll leave it there.

Perhaps we should all think about outselves a little bit more, we manure the beds, weed the seeds, water the crop, service the mower, sharpen the schythe, perhaps we could all do with help feeding our self esteem and self confidence once in a while.

No really, leave it there now....

[Cassiepod]

oooooh! you're a mind reader! I just came onto ish in search of a pick me up because I'm very busy and stressed at work, and very busy in my social life whcih means I have no time... feeling very low today toowhich might be lack of coffee

Thankyou boboff fo giving me a pointer to recentering myself.... how I achieve it is another matter entirely. I don't think you can train yourself but you need to recognise when things are slipping and actively remember how to bring yourself back into equilibrium.

[bonniethomas06]

My thoughts exactly, in fact as per a different thread, I am having a totally selfish memememe phase at the moment.

In fact, only last night, I treated myself to a totally un-ishy evening at the Thermae spa in Bath. Solitude (well, there were other people there but nobody I had to talk to), lying in a dark, patcholi scented steam 'pod', having dinner on my own (with magazine) and floating like a starfish in the beautiful rooftop warm pool, looking at the stars and the twinkling lights.

Am pleased to report that this did indeed leave me feeling very much indulged and relaxed and back in tune with myself. I would usually get this from digging for an afternon, but seeing as I am having a mini-strike, the spa was a good second!!

Not bad for £25 for 4 hrs and felt less guilty as would have as waters are heated by underground thermal springs, thus reducing energy consumption. (hmm)

I recon you need to take an afternoon to do something on your own, that you genuinely want to do, but would never usually do. Try it!

[Paul_C]

something which i was sent on \as part of a recovery plan for some MH issues i have was one of these "courses".

http://www.mentalhealthrecovery.com/wrap/

its not a treatment or a traditional self help techniqie where you talk about stuff but instead look at devloping a known method of helping yourself that you can refer to when your not so great.

which was stressed to us that its a tool for anyone to use as its such a widly applicable tool as its all about YOU not some rich doctor telling you who to be. it was developed by people with MH issues for people with MH issues but frannlly i could see how usefull it would be for everyone.

one of the best things i was told was about a guy who was seriously depressed who had been sectioned who was found riding a unicyle around the ward one day after spending weeks bed bound and suicidal. which the docs took to be a realy bad sign that he was totaly wacked out and they remedicated him and took his unicyle away to his great distress.

it wasnt untill someone asked him about it and he said i always ride my uncyle when im feeling a bit better as it cheers me up did they realise he was actualy getting much better and it helped him. one persons idea of insaniity was actualy him becoming saner.


it, to be basic. looks at how you deal with stress, negaticity etc. and then allows you to use any of the techniques to centre yourself when you get pissed oof or down for any reason. it also for me atle\st enabled me to see where things i did to get away from naffy mentla places sometimes actualy made me worse. like plaing onine competitive games when i was annoyed. all it did was stress me out more when things didnt go to plan and made me feel worse. at the meeting for the planning stuff i realised that was the case it was something i did because i thought i would make me better not because it actualy did.

one of the things i use when i cant go diving which is far and away my main coping mechanism is to suprise someone with a gift i have made.

it helps me be active and do something constructive instead of moping
i have made something which always makes me feel better
it makes me happy when a random act of kindness makes other people happy. as it wasnt expected, asked for nor is it done for reward.

a few of the suprising things you need to be aware of about it, especialy if you go on one of the trianing days they do about it, is the total lack of negativvity. if someone says after a realy bad day i just want to eat chocolate, drink wine and watch girly movies then they dont say not to. the simply say that it should be an occasional technique not a daily one as they try to make people see the
differenace between something which helps daily and a one of treat style one.

if you fill int eh workbooks they are intended to be private AND worked on continiously. you may change, your circumstances may change, so the book needs to change with you. you can add, erase, alter. whatever as its all for YOU

a few workbooks

http://www.gmhcn.org/files/Articles/SDRP.html

http://www.idamaecampbell.org/files/40263519.pdf

[boboff]

Thats excellent Paul I may well have a look at those.

Happiness is the wrong word, and I do mean contented, but contented can mean sat in a chair with a full belly, what I mean is the man on the end of a hoe, both hands, with his chin resting on his hands with a smile on his face, just being.

as opposed to me planning to hoe another 10 sq meters by 2pm, then Tea, then kids, then shops, then ow shit I meant to tie the beans up, email work, phone my Dad, still haven't got enough wood split for the Winter etc etc.

[Paul_C]

that kind of contentment is built on living outside of time. you dont need to be in work for 8am, rush rush rush. you just do it as it comes kind of living.

thats what i get when i am diving. time has no real meaning for me. i can do more or less what i want when i want. i am free from the world and its increasing number of chains it is binding us all down with.

[boboff]

You are right, I wasn't hugged enough as a child you see.

[MidnightFarm]

I'm sorry, but I'm going to get philosophhical on that one...
It's interesting that you us ask how to be happy and contented (this is the therapist in me speaking), when I must ask you to turn that around and ask yourself "what makes ME happy?" I'm quite sure you probably already know the answer to that question, so maybe look into it a little further. How do you know when you are happy? how do you define happiness? Asking yourself a few questions and answering can be easy, but did you give an automated responce, or did you spend time to think about it? We often ask others questions in order to explore ourself more, (subconciously) we identify with others and use it as our own basis for thoughts, actions, beliefs, knowing what parts of other people we like and dislike, adopting traits and building our own charactor.
I believe that knowing yourself is one of the most important thing you need to self educate with as you grow older. Without truly knowing yourself, you drift into the rhythm of automated society doing and feeling the same things you always have done for many years.

Contentment comes hand in hand with acceptance. You cannot be content if you are worrying about something, or stressed about a situation. In these times we need to look at ourselves again and ask more things. Identifying what is causing these emotions is important, as well as thinking about what you can and are going to do about it. Once we have learnt these factors the only thing left is acceptance; accepting our limits, accepting that we cannot change certain things, accepting that others may not be as strong as ourselves and accepting we have done all we can.

Thirdly, but most importantly, we must all allow ourselves to be happy and contented. Repeat after me, "I am happy and contented, I am happy and contented......

[Susie]

Contentment comes hand in hand with acceptance. You cannot be content if you are worrying about something, or stressed about a situation. In these times we need to look at ourselves again and ask more things. Identifying what is causing these emotions is important, as well as thinking about what you can and are going to do about it. Once we have learnt these factors the only thing left is acceptance; accepting our limits, accepting that we cannot change certain things, accepting that others may not be as strong as ourselves and accepting we have done all we can.

I do agree with you but this is very hard! (yes, bad week ;-) ).

In this situation I would also normally say, hugs to Boboff, but Boboff may wish to translate that mentally into a more cynical and non-smiley sentiment. I am obviously a bit concerned about the droopy beans, though. (Joke).

[boboff]

Good thoughts Midnight, BUT... what if nothing really makes you that happy? Then Contentment can't follow? Part of the issue is having high expectations of ones self and then not being able to achieve them and feeling failure and guilt. I agree very much that is too easy to SAY you are happy in what other people say they are happy with etc etc. But when you try and make people happy by doing things which you hope will make them happy, in the belief it will then make you happy, where does it all end?

Acceptance and understanding of oneself is vital I know that but quite how you do that I don't know.

[MidnightFarm]

I suffered the curse of perfectionism too. Nothing was good enough, nothing was ever finished. I was never happy with anything, there was always something I could have done to make it better. I always put myself down, no confidence in my abilities. I addressed my problems head on with lots of therapy, and I'm not shy or embarrassed to admit it. I now like to use my experiences to help others in need. I have literally been there and done that..

surely you must have been happy in the past? or at least happier than you are now, otherwise you would not have noticed. Maybe look into the negative side of your issue, What do you feel is preventing you from feeling happy? is it environmental: stressful situations at work, bad neighbours, other outside influencing factors. Or is it presonal: grievance, anniversary of a grievance, relationships, etc. Or is it just yourself? From what you have said so far, it sounds like you are self punishing (failure and guilt). reccognising and admitting this may be a starting point for you to work on?

I disagree with your comment that "if nothing makes you happy, then contentment can't follow", I'd say "If nothing makes you happy, then all you have is contentment"?

There may be a helpful exercise or 2 that you could try, if you were serious about understanding yourself more?

[boboff]

It's no problem to admit it, and I am deadly serious about getting to understand myself. This is only the 2nd week of counselling proper for me.
My thoughts are very much that I can use self help self esteem books, but it's all to do's, lists, missions, purpose, striving, which helps in the short term but does not address the issue, indeed they are as much a crutch as the high expectations and the alcohol!

Anyway, thats me, I really was just wondering what "normal" people do, and the advice of being a bit more forgiving of myself I take on board, it's time to take a chill. Not drinking for the last couple of weeks I have all this energy which is weird, and it needs channelling, or not, who knows, but the wifes happy the house has never been so clean. :-)

[Jessiebean]

I am beginning to wonder if there is anyone these days who isn't touched by depression/anxiety/mental health issues and therefore can anyone tell Boboff what "normal" people do? Not me that's for sure! I know I have trouble "being" and trying to get my dear husband to stop doing things constantly BEFORE he burns out is difficult. we tend to get into a cycle of doing more and more and more and then "melting down" and resetting and a few days of contentment. I don't know what the answer is but I do know that you are far better off searching for it and seeing if you can know yourself and be peaceful (which in turn has positive benefits for those around you) than you are blindly soldering on and drinking too much...so good on you Boboff!

[MidnightFarm]

I discovered that a lot of the self help books are written by therapists, psychiatrists and other people who have studied the subject, but not actually been there and truly understand what it is like to live with depression or mental health problems. Some of the books get close to the bones of it, whereas others just think you can snap out of it. Technically this can be seen as true, as it is psycological. It can be as simple as reprogramming your thought processes to more positive ones, but we both know that is so very far away from the truth. My therapy took me down a long path of discovery and professional help to get over the worst of it. I went in looking for answers, but then realised I didn't know the questions. A bit more self discovery and a little probing into difficult issues eventually turned me into a much better person, someone confident, outgoing, not "self medicating", someone who I am proud to be.

I also learnt that there is no such thing as 'normal', everyone has there one anxieties. Even the extrovert among us still worry about everyday things, do people like me/my clothes/car etc. The main thing is that people handle it differently, based on their own past experiences and influences. So if you think about it, you are more normal than you perceive yourself to be!

[baldybloke]

My mantra is to 'Change the things you can and accept the things you can't' and not to beat yourself up about stuff. I usually make a list of things that need doing, then enjoy putting a line through the stuff I've done. But always try and be realistic of what is acheivable. Also make sure that you reward yourself by cooking a nice meal or curling up on the sofa with a good book.