Help needed with life - long post

[Rosendula]

I haven't been around much recently because life is getting more and more complicated by the minute. Right now, my head's in a bit of a whirl and I don't know which way to go, so I'm looking for opinions, please.

I have a 15 year old daughter (you know her on here, but I'll refer to her as C for this thread). She's always been a tough-nut and never taken any stick from anyone. She's done karate and can look after herself and has never been frightened of anyone. I've seen her put a 6-foot-something, 18-ish stone 6th Dan black belt on the floor. She's hard.

Her 'friends' at her last school were wonderful, and she was always there to help and protect them if ever they needed it. Then C injured her leg and ended up in a splint for a few weeks. During that time, same 'friends' suddenly started threatening her and asking her for fights. The splint came off and they suddenly stopped again. A few weeks later, C found out she was pregnant. Suddenly, her 'friends' started threatening her and asking for fights again. At this point it was school summer holidays, so we didn't send her back to that school and sent her instead to the School Girl Mum's Unit. Her old 'friends' continued to threaten her (her former best friend said she was going to punch her in the stomach), and spread rumours that the baby's 'deformed' and a 'Paki'. She blocked them all out of her life, off Facebook and what have we, and concentrated on making new friends at the SGMU and got close to one girl (I'll call her H) in particular.

Unfortunately, that's all now gone wrong, too. During half-term, C and her new 'friend' went in town together along with H's baby and C's little sister. While there, this other girl must have looked over C's shoulder at the cash machine and got her PIN. While in a cafe, H was going to buy a drink and C was dealing with little sis so said to take some money from her purse and buy her a drink too. Big mistake. H stole my daughter's cash card. C didn't notice and soon after they had to part company (C had to bring LO home for her potty. She won't use a toilet). It was then she noticed the card had gone. She told LO to cross her legs and ran to the bank to get the card cancelled. Unfortunately, all her money had already been withdrawn.

We were going to go to the police about all this, but H admitted what she had done, and they met up again so that H could give back the money. She looked like she'd been crying and seemed sincere in her embarrassment and regret, and asked C to please not mention it to anyone as she's never done it before and won't do it again. So we held back.

Now they're back at school and H is causing trouble. It's a small school with only about 30 girls. She started off just being nasty, then accused C of getting off with her boyfriend (a lie), and is now asking for fights. So is another girl who has decided to take sides. The Head has talked to all concerned and keeps thinking she has sorted it out, but it's not working. H says all the right things to the Head, then goes home and sends more threats via Facebook, saying she's going to 'batter' and 'smash' my daughter. C, although as I say can usually look after herself, is refusing to fight this girl. She may only be 15, but she is pregnant and has a little life to protect.

I'm not sure what advice I want to ask for here. Perhaps I just needed to get it down in writing and off my chest. I've told C she can deregister from school any time and I will home educate her. Other than that, I'm not sure which way to turn.

[Brij]

I don't know what to suggest, apart from remember that it won't go on forever. My sister had similar issues at school a few years ago, and is now a talented hairdresser with a flat and a good man. You and she are doing the right thing, but it is still a pretty crap situation for now

[Mr and Mrs luvpie]

You poor things it is one of the worse things that can happen when your kid gets bullied, some schools are excellent others are terrible at dealing with it. I had to complain constantly at my sons last school, but still nothing was done, I was abused in the street about him by a parent and was sent nasty e-mails via facebook, I wish I'd printed it off and shown the school, but we were so close to the end of term I just didn't have the energy to do so.

Would you be able to show the school what H is saying on your daughters facebook, so that they can see that what she says in school is just words? Other than that you should just demand to see the head every morning that something has happened, if H is threatening your daughter the school need to know so that they can ensure that your girl is safe.

Your daughter sounds very level headed, my son would have hit the person by this stage, good for her for being better and more grown up than the others, shows she's been brought/dragged up right all you can do is keep on supporting her and fighting her corner.

Good luck
Sarahx

[StripyPixieSocks]

I really don't have any advice to offer but I didn't want to read and run either all I can offer is a cyber hug

[prison break fan]

My daughter was bullied at school when she was fifteen and I took her out of school.It is all a long time ago now but it has always affected her. I can't advise you what to do, but she sounds as if she needs to be at home with you and feel safe and loved. All the very best wishes to you. Please let us know how she is. I hope you feel better for sharing. pbf.

[red]

oh my - what a lot going on. I don't have any advice - but have a hug

[MKG]

Well, for a start, threats of violence (no matter how they are issued) are against the law. Facebook accounts are identifiable. Get into contact with Facebook - H's account will probably be terminated. Or if you feel really strongly, involve the police.

I don't know if it's just the way you wrote things down, Rosey, but the way things look is that your daughter is being bullied only when everyone knows she's vulnerable and can't hit back. Why should that be? I'm not pointing any fingers, but I think you may have to look at the possibility that your daughter has been guilty of a little bullying herself. Could that be the case?

Whatever the truth may be, your daughter is now in a situation where she's going to need a lot of support from you because, although you didn't say it, I'm assuming that there's no father leaping forward to help? Worrying yourself to a frazzle won't do any practical good. Bullying always happens and nothing will ever stop it except time (it always stops given time). So it will go away - probably as soon as the school environment is a thing of the past. So, take a deep breath, gird your loins and prepare to be a granny. You're going to be very important, I feel.

Hugs in the meantime

Mike

[Susiwaa]

Not got much in the way of advice either but *hugs*

My daughter was on the receiving end of some "cyber" bullying last year, via Bebo. It ended up being nasty with accusations of racism and stolen identities.

We got advice from the Police, and took it to the school where it had started. Much to my surpriswe the school took it all very seriously and confronted the culprits while I was there with my daughter. All faded away when they knew it was reported to police.

Making threats of violence is a serious thing, I wouldn't hesitate in speaking to the Police and to the school if it was my daughter.

Not sure how it works in Englad but here I know of a few girls who have came out of school to have their babies then returned to College to do their exams. They get a whole lot more support there as its non-compulsary education where they feel they are treated much more fairly.

It sounds like you are a very supportive mum which at this time is really important for your daughter. Many young mums don't have that, so could be motivated by jealousy?

Keep smiling.

Susi

[Green Aura]

Don't know what to advise - just to you and C. Try to put it behind you both and start knitting No matter how cr&p things are at the moment, a happy event is on its way!

[snapdragon]

I haven't got girls so i can't really imagine what you must be going through Rosendula,
It looks to me like a police case with the card and money and the threats.
In your position I would want to move away, it must be awful for you all.

[Rosendula]

Thanks for the support, everyone. I'm feeling a bit more calm now, but that might be because she's home. She went to school late today and rang the Head to tell her about the latest threats. The current situation is that they are not allowed to be left alone together without a teacher present. I forgot to mention before that on Tuesday when the Head was off, some of the other teachers overhead H bitching about my daughter, so they have also talked to the Head.

I don't know if it's just the way you wrote things down, Rosey, but the way things look is that your daughter is being bullied only when everyone knows she's vulnerable and can't hit back. Why should that be? I'm not pointing any fingers, but I think you may have to look at the possibility that your daughter has been guilty of a little bullying herself. Could that be the case?

Mike

Mike, I know where you're coming from, and I can't honestly say she hasn't ever been guilty for the simple fact that I haven't been in school with her. She has been in trouble and been called a bully before, even when the teacher has seen that someone hit out at her first and C was just retaliating, because the other child was the one who cried, C got into trouble. One school she went to, there was a lad who had been expelled from 2 other schools, and he was causing trouble. He hit C first, and she got into more trouble for hitting back. The teachers said it was worse to retaliate. Then he caused more trouble, and this time she hit him first. She got into trouble again, and he wasn't even talked to because on this occasion it was OK to retaliate. He caused more trouble and we ended up with a group of kids follwing C around school with knives. We had to collect her from school and was told to keep her away for the rest of the week 'for her own safety'. He still didn't get more than a verbal slap on the wrists. We ended up taking her out of that school and sending her to another (the one she's just moved from). So no, I can't say she's 100% innocent, but she always seem to be the one who gets the blame. I was hoping the SGMU would be different.

We got advice from the Police, and took it to the school where it had started. Much to my surpriswe the school took it all very seriously and confronted the culprits while I was there with my daughter. All faded away when they knew it was reported to police.

Making threats of violence is a serious thing, I wouldn't hesitate in speaking to the Police and to the school if it was my daughter.

Not sure how it works in Englad but here I know of a few girls who have came out of school to have their babies then returned to College to do their exams. They get a whole lot more support there as its non-compulsary education where they feel they are treated much more fairly.

Susi

Susi, we're still considering going to the police. We've just been giving the Head a chance to sort it out, but it doesn't seem to be working.

I'm keeping her off school tomorrow to allow her to calm down and think about her future and the route she wants to take. At the moment there seem to be 3 options: she can go back, try to keep calm and hope it all blows over. Or, we could get the police involved and see if they can sort it out in the hope she can continue at school in peace. Or, we can deregister her, and home educate. She'll be 16 in a few weeks and will be able to do college course or a course at the OU. The ball's in her court now, and whatever decision she makes, I am confident she will do so sensibly, and she will have our full support.

Oh, Mike also mentioned the baby's father. No. He's out of the picture. He's from Iraq, is working here illegally, and is trying to impregnate the whole town (my daughter, one of her ex-friends who then had a termination, and someone else who is 2 weeks further on than C and already has a child to him. They're just the ones we know about). His father is also trying to persuade him to return to Iraq with the promise of 4 wives.

On a positive note, C has a new boyfriend (he knows the situation) who she's been seeing for about a week, so at least out of school she has someone (other than me and her Dad) who is caring and supportive.

[boboff]

Bloody Hell, this is like something out of a Martina Cole novel!

Makes me appreciate how lucky I am!

Sex at 15, no birth control, moving schools allot to avoid being knifed, being stolen from, threats to kill a baby, Illegal immigrant boyfriend, you really couldn't make it up.

How on earth do you cope? How on earth do you stop yourself from Hating this child of yours? There isn't anything I can think of to say, as there but for the grace of God etc. This child from the outside is completely "off the rails" education is the last thing she needs to learn, responsibility for ones own actions, and respect for her parents and her friends from the outset would be where the focus should be from now on. I am pretty sure she must be a nice person, and life will give her chances in time to come, provided she can learn some life skills. Still at least she's not on drugs!

Full Respect to you for remaining so calm.

[Rosendula]

Sex at 15, no birth control, moving schools allot to avoid being knifed, being stolen from, threats to kill a baby, Illegal immigrant boyfriend, you really couldn't make it up.

How on earth do you cope? How on earth do you stop yourself from Hating this child of yours? There isn't anything I can think of to say, as there but for the grace of God etc. This child from the outside is completely "off the rails" education is the last thing she needs to learn, responsibility for ones own actions, and respect for her parents and her friends from the outset would be where the focus should be from now on. I am pretty sure she must be a nice person, and life will give her chances in time to come, provided she can learn some life skills. Still at least she's not on drugs!

Well let's just get it straight that the "illegal immigrant boyfriend", "sex at 15" and "no birth control" was a single incident. One mistake. And don't we all make mistakes? One mistake, plus "moving schools allot to avoid being knifed" and "being stolen from" do not make my daughter "off the rails". She is the victim of an off the rails society.

"threats to kill a baby"? Where did you get that from? There were no such threats.

How on earth do you stop yourself from Hating this child of yours?

What!?

If that's your idea of respect you can keep it.

[BabyChrissy1993]

Whatever the truth may be, your daughter is now in a situation where she's going to need a lot of support from you because, although you didn't say it, I'm assuming that there's no father leaping forward to help

I wasn't sure if you meant my father or the babys father here so just letting you know :) my father is involved with the situations I am in and is helping aswell as my mum :)
The babys father isn't involved now like my mums explained above.

[MKG]

Hi Chrissy - I meant the baby's father.

I wish you all the luck in the world (mind you, once Rosey gets her armour on, I don't think luck will have anything to do with it )

Mike