Friend's Hen do rant

[Helsbells]

Hi All,

I need to rant I am afraid.

A very good friend of mine is getting married in March and her sister is organising the Hen do. I recieved an email on my last week about 3 weeks ago saying that she was planing a Hen do that would be for a whole weekend at the end of Feb. She didnt give any prices but my immediate thought was that this would be costing a lot of money.
Any way, she is a very good friend so I replied saying that the absolute maximum I could spend for the whole weekend would be £100. (and that would basically be out of my overdraft, I just dont have £!00 hanging around for Hen do.)
A few day before Christmas I got an email saying that the weekend would cost £165!!!!! And that didnt include getting there (London) or drinks or any of the other extras that would probably incur.
I replied saying that I could not afford this (especialy as I am currently saving for my wedding in July, and we are only just able to pay our mortgage!) and so would only be able to take part in one day of the weekend.
Today I got an email saying that I have to pay a deposit of £31 by the 6th of January so that she can book everything up.

So I feel a bit narked about the whole thing really. Firstly that I and lots of other people are expected to give up a weekend and a hell of a lot of money for someone elses Hen do (I would not expect any of my friends to fork out £165 for my Hen do) and secondly because of this email today saying MONEY AND 6TH JANUARY Like some kind of final demand. As if I havent just spent enough money on Christmas!!

Argh!! Am I being unresonable here? Or is this just totally rediculous?

(Plus I am having to spend this money on some kind of Salsa lesson which is not my thing at all. *humph*)

[Green Aura]

Sorry honey - it seems to me that £165 is probably a lower priced do these days.

I can't believe that people spend so much on these events. I know the individuals concerned work on the premise that it's the only time they'll do this so make it a big affair, but it seems like keeping up with the Joneses taken to its extreme.

2 years ago our whole wedding cost less than £500 including food, outfits and a case of champagne - it was however a small do! Admittedly, after living together for 20-odd years a big do might have seemed a little silly.

I can't give you advice. If it's any help I think it's far too expensive, but it doesn't really solve your dilemma.

Will you feel better going and being brassic? Are you worried your friend would be hurt if you don't go? At this point I should get all mumsy and tell you they're not very good friends if they do, but in reality emotions get a tad high at these times and people don't act as they usually would.

[oldfella]

All I can say is Hells Bells thats is too much.

[red]

no you are not being unreasonable. thats ridiculous. when did this happen? that hen dos are a expensive weekend away? gah!
someone is totally out of touch if they think everyone can afford 165 plus extras... what will it be when all said and done? 250 quid if you are lucky... thats if you dont feel you have to buy silly outfits, etc

I suggest you explain to your good friend (dodge sister who is clearly not paying attention) that you just can't afford it, but perhaps you can do something smaller together another time?
either way.. you cant afford it.. thats that. dont feel bad... its not you.

[mrsflibble]

if she wont see reason, send her a copy of your last bank statement, or fill in a means form (available from banks to help you budget)... imho, £165 is wayyy too much!

[Penny Lane]

I agree, £165 is a ridiculous amount of money to spend on a weekend getting p*****d!

I'd do what red suggested, bypass sister and speak to your friend.

[Helsbells]

Thanks for all your help guys.

I dont think my friend will be upset at me, I just hope she realises that for some people £165 is more than they can afford, and asking for people to spend this amount puts them in a difficult position if it is unaffordable.
I think thats what gets me most, the assumption that its all perfectly reasonable and isnt it all going to be so much fun! Meanwhile I am at home worrying myself sick about it!

Thanks so much everyone, what would I do without you!!

[StripyPixieSocks]

Blinking 'eck!! £165 is silly money, I'd definitely get in touch with your friend as she might not realise that you are all struggling and her sister may just be making all the decisions for her and not passing on the problems etc.

I know weddings and whatnot can be expensive but we've got hen, stag and the actual wedding (including a weeks holiday for our parents, my sister & kids and OH's brother) for a week for around £3000. We're doing that because we don't expect to put a financial strain on our family to get to and staying where we are getting married!

People tend to lose their marbles and go absolutely crazy when the wedding word is mentioned without thinking about the finances of others, especially right now when things are rough financially for alot of people!

[snapdragon]

your friend will surely understand

if it helps put perspectives in, No2 Son and fiancee are living their dream and having their wedding on a beach in the Carribbean! We can't afford to go and neither can his brother and family, they had to understand that and they did

[Annpan]

I agree, £165 is crazy - I wouldn't even spend that kind of money for the 2 of us to get away for a weekend, an that would atleast to be somewhere, and do something enjoyable.

Just say No, you don't need to justify what you can and can't afford, just say it is too much and apologise that you won't be able to make it. I had to do this for my brothers wedding in Spain last year, it was just too much money and I had a young baby at the time, though I was sorry to miss it I didn't loose any sleep over it (once I had told him I couldn't go.

People who arrange these expensive affairs they have to be prepared for some people to not go, what else do they expect?

[Ellendra]

English to English translation needed: "Hen do"???

[red]

English to English translation needed: "Hen do"???

its a get together for the bride to be and her girl friends. the boys go on a stag night.. girls on a hen night

only in recent years its become a weekend trip to somewhere, all girls again. usually wearing silly outfits on the ferry/plane/ etc

suffice to say, I didn't have a hen do.....

[Helsbells]

People tend to lose their marbles and go absolutely crazy when the wedding word is mentioned

Yes I totally agree!!

The other day we recieved a "a save the date" card from some other friends of ours who are getting married!! It said "invitation to follow"!!!!
Why not just send the invitation?

My fiance and myself sent text messages to tell our friends when the wedding would be!!!

Its just a joke!! I dont need a save the date card from friends who have already told us when their wedding is!!

Also it had a horrible pink diamante butterfly on it which I found really offensive.

[Millymollymandy]

Don't be pressured into spending a ridiculous amount of money on something you probably won't enjoy anyway. Save that money for your own wedding which is far more important!

[theabsinthefairy]

£165 - and that's for the basics, obviously with drinks, snacks, food, etc it will soon mount up beyond that, and if you can't afford it you can't afford it. I have been in your shoes and it is awkward and you do feel as though you are letting your friend down - however, as this is being organised by her sister it can be hard for your friend to see that people may be having difficulties affording this sort of do.l

My advice would be to talk to her direct - take her and maybe a couple of other friends out for drink locally - or try what I did - when told the astronomical cost of attending a hen do for my sister in law - I told her up front (it was being organised by her friend) that I could not afford it - so I bought a pampering spa set and we had a pampering night in with her, my mother in law and her mother in law, as our alternative hen do a couple of days before the official do in a manor house in Cornwall with a 3 day house party!!