Stalked...

[Graye]

...and needing to blow off steam!!!!

I mentioned before that my OH was a musician until he decided to retire. Too long a story to go into the minutae but suffice it to say that a couple of years ago we had many and various problems with an ex fan of my OH's band who could not let go and accept that she had overstepped the mark and was prying and interfering in our private lives. By various combinations of changing phone numbers, e-mail addresses, moving, swearing people to secrecy (all difficult with a band with a website, contact numbers online, etc, etc.) we thought we had escaped her clutches. Until today...

This morning (before OH even surfaced) I have an innocuous enough contact via Facebook from someone with a vaguely ethereal (and obviously made up) name asking after my husband's welfare and saying she had been a friend. A quick check on Facebook showed her home town as Whitby. Fair enough, I thought, we have some strange friends back there and they are prone to suddenly changing their names. But hold on, we don't even use the same surname and as far as I know no one in the town actually knows what my surname is, so how did she find me? I thought my account had about as highly secure settings as possible (I've today discovered a few more and enabled them) the only thing my name would bring up would be a very indistinct photo of the two of us taken on a friend's phone last summer - certainly no one who didn't know us would recognise either of us). Vaguely curious I ran a quick Google check on the name. And there's a photo of this "lady" on a Wiccan site, giving her true location (nowhere near Yorkshire), etc. Double check on Facebook with her correct name and there she is, same photo! God only knows how long she spent tracking us down this time and it's only an e-mail via Facebook but I feel so fed up about it.

OK, so I've sorted out extra Facebook security, deleted her email, worked out how she found my surname (I designed one of band's CD covers and it's acknowledged on the back) and can't think what more I can do. I'm still shaking with either fury, fear or hunger pangs (I think the flu has finally gone and my tastebuds are back in action but I haven't decided what I want to eat yet ...). I haven't even told OH as she has caused so many pointless arguments over the years and hopefully I have solved the problem myself.

So, all ranted out! I suppose I should decide to feel sorry for her and see it as a lonely soul with nothing better to do on Boxing Day. But perhaps it might be a cautionary tale with regard to making yourself too accessible online?

[JulieSherris]

Oh Graye, I can just imagine....... well, ok, I can't, but I have this HUGE jealous streak in me & I know what arguments we'd be having in our house, whether he deserved it or not!

There obviously isn't any advice I can give you that you haven't already thought of, or tried.
It must be awful though to know that there's someone out there who would go to any lengths to 'track you down'.
It would be a similar emotion as a burglary, you know, having your privacy invaded.

I can only sympathise with you - but if you ever need anything, just shout - I'm a whizz at executing people via cyberness.
My youngest had a similar experience, but of course the young chap involved wasn't as single minded as this lady appears to be

Chin up, don't let her get you down & please accept this from me....

Julie x

[StripyPixieSocks]

I have a friend in the music business who also suffers stalkers and the things he has told me about one woman in particular is quite mind boggling so I really do feel for you Graye.

I have also had stalkers in the past both generally and through my friendship with said person in the band and it isn't much fun when you have to continually double check you've left no trace anywhere.

Like Julie says, try to keep you chin up and not let it get you down or she ends up getting the upper hand and certainly have nothing whatsoever to do with her but maybe make a note of the new things happening incase you want to take action in the future.

< and from me too!

[invisiblepiper]

How scary - i am clearly quite naive regarding internet security!
Empathy for you Graye!

[Thomzo]

How awful for you. My sympathies.

I have little practical advise except as already mentioned, to keep a diary in case you need to get an injunction against her in the future. Stalking is a crime now.

A big - you are not alone here.

Zoe

[Sally Jane]

My heart really goes out to you - this must cause you so much stress, and no-one needs this kind of anxiety lurking in the background.
I just wanted to emphasise the importance of keeping a diary, as has very wisely been suggested, with dates, a record of urls, and also how it made you feel at the time- all good ammo if you ever have to have to hand it over to the police, solicitors etc., though I hope it never comes to that.
I have experienced something similar, and later wished I'd done exactly as I've just suggested you do....the person responsible is now recieving treatment for mental problems, but I find it hard to pray that he finds some peace, although it's what I feel I should be doing.
There are some sick bunnies out there, and it's a good reminder not to let ourselves become complacent as we try to simplify our lives...

[Graye]

Thanks for your thoughts, they are really appreciated.

The annoying thing is that she probably sent her email and forgot about it whereas I've been disconcerted by it ever since, wondering what will happen next and what other clues we may have left without realising it. In this day and age we are all so accessible. I realise now that she was hoping I would have innocently dashed off a quick reply giving bits of info about what we have been doing lately and our plans. The location and the Facebook description as "married" was all part of the plan. Lucky escape!

We will be back in the UK next month for quite a long visit (at least several months - probably longer) and I can't bear to think of having to skulk around. At least I know what she looks like now though, courtesy of the photos online. If you take out the tourists it's actually a very small town and I suppose that can be both good and bad - we're easy to spot and follow but would probably spot her too. She would have a drive of over 150 miles to get there too, surely no one with a home and sensible career would be daft enough to do something like that?

Yes you are all quite right, I'll start noting things down in a diary with some links etc. I hope nothing more comes of it and my sudden complete apparent disappearance from Facebook will make it plain I sussed her out. We monitor all our UK calls as she has found the phone number yet again, have new email addresses so all should be OK. Our mobile numbers are new and known to no more than a handful of friends who know better than to give them out. What a way to live! It must be really strange for some of these "famous" people who get the real nutters digging after info - no wonder they all end up paranoid about their own security!

[eccentric_emma]

I assume you have found the facebook setting whereby you can block a particular person, so they can't see that you are a part of facebook at all?

What a pathetic person she must be! Hopefully that'll be the last you hear from her.

[Clara]

Can´t you out her on her wall? OK she´ll probably delete it, but some of her friends might get to see before she does.

I got a FB stalker and I did the same to him.

[Graye]

I love the idea, Clara, and would love to do it. But I don't want to get into a slanging match with her (been there already!) and I think a dignified refusal to even acknowledge her existence will work better. After all, she is apparently after attention so why give her any? I suspect she knows I know so that will have to do...

[StripyPixieSocks]

Best thing all round is to completely ignore her, posting on her wall and other things only encourages her to carry on and if you reply she definitely knows it's you whereas this way she might start to doubt it is you after a while and leave you alone.

Hope she doesn't become too much of a pain for you!

[Clara]

yeah you're probably right in your situation to ignore her, I was forgetting that she was looking for some "confirmation" - tempting though eh

[JulieSherris]

OK, completely off topic, but I can remember years & years ago, I was about 14 - my stepdad had a fling with a lady who worked in a local card shop in town..... when he ended it, it all came out & my mum went down to the shop & caused a massive scene which lost the lady her job.

For a long while after, she used to phone our home, hanging up if mum or I answered, but trying to talk to stepdad if he answered - you knew something was going on by his really uncomfortable & fake way of talking....

Anyway, after about 18 months, she was still chasing & stepdad was still trying to keep clear......
Mum & I went into town & the said lady was chatting to a few 'well-heeled' friends in the shopping centre as we came out of the lifts.... Mum marched straight up to the group & in an exceptionally LOUD voice, announced to all & sundry...
'Look, Julie, this is the old slapper your dad was knocking off - look at her! What a state! What would he have seen in her?'... etc , etc, etc,....... Yeah, I was about 15 & all I wanted was a huge hole to open up & swallow me whole.......

Funny, she never bothered him after that.....

[Ellendra]

Graye, in addition to ignoring her attempts at contact, might I suggest laying a few false trails?

Sometimes its not enough to erase your own tracks. Maybe, try keeping your Facebook profile, but add stories of going to places you've never been, or people who don't exist.

If, say, this person knows for a fact that your husband had (has?) a concert on a particular date, post a story about what fun you and OH had on that day, in a completely different country. (The nice people here could even supply you with photos if you'd like) If this person knows how many siblings you have, add another 2. Use a friend's face instead of your own. Etc.

Don't just erase yourself, become someone else. It'll throw off anyone who thinks they've found you.

[Sally Jane]

Don't just erase yourself, become someone else. It'll throw off anyone who thinks they've found you.

If you do this keep a record of everything you post, so you don't forget the false information you've already given...you could end up confusing yourself as well as Madame X otherwise!