Struggling with Summer

[Ratty]

Gah, I've not been on the site for a few weeks because I'm really struggling with summer. Not the heat, more the memories. Last summer was amazing for us - our first here in this house with a lovely sized garden, Ash was little (born 30 March 2007) and Joe (aged 8) was having fun in his sandpit and on his trampoline. We kept busy with lots of fun summer activities - Legoland at the start, swimming trips and visiting friends. We ended the summer off with a couple of nights (just Joe & I) at Shambala festival. All in all it was a "perfect summer". Three weeks later my dreams were shattered when Joe died very suddenly from Acute Myeloid Leukaemia.

I have tried very very hard to make the last 10 months as joyful as possible for Ash, he was only 5 months old when his brother left us. But the summer, especially now the kids have broken up from school, is so painful for me. I'm keeping as busy as possible but there is this huge hole in my life.

I guess I'm also feeling down because I went for a dream job, got through to 2nd round of interviews, was told it was down to me & one other. Then the other person got it because apparently I'd not put a "recent employer" reference on my application form (I've been self-employed for 8 years!). And a smallholding in West Wales which we put an offer on has had another offer accepted on it.

I know I have a lot to be thankful for - a place at Uni to start my degree in Oct, my darling Ash and OH, friends (especially this site) and more. But its hard. Please bear with me. Please don't be afraid to speak to me about Joe. Please help me to enjoy this summer.

Thank you for reading.

[CaundleMama]

oh god I am so sorry to read you lost your Joe my girls turn 3 tomorrow & the thought of them not being here makes my heart freeze with pain.Theres no wonder you are feeling raw especially if its approaching the anniversary of Joes passing.
I dont know what to say words are so inadequate at times.My sister lost a son,I dont think you ever lose the grief but somehow,it becomes less of a rock in your heart,you still carry it with you but theres more room for less painful things.
Deepest love x x x x x x

[Thomzo]

I'm really sorry to hear this. The hardest thing in the world is for a parent to bury a child. There is no knowing what you must have gone through. Allow yourself to grieve and mourn. It's only natural. Time alone will help.

Big hugs

Zoe

[red]

hugs

[mrsflibble]

ok I'm going to ask questions, feel free to tell me to s*d off if it's too hard. I've never known grief like this, I can't imagine the pain it must cause and I truely feel for you. The closest thing I have is my friend Amy dying when we were 16.
Do you (like me) have friends who try to pretend Joe never existed in some way to sort of protect you a bit? does it annoy you?
If it does, would you tell me a bit about him please? what did he like to do? favorite colour? food? music? was he into football? please feel free to talk to me about him. I'd like to hear it.
I used to get so upset that noboy would talk to me about Amy. nobody wanted to reminisce. nobody else ever seemed to stop and think "dang, Amy would have loved this, I wish she was here" and it annoyed me that I felt like a wierdo for feeling that way. I still feel like that, every milestone in my life is missing my friend's presence.
Do you have any of his belongings that you keep close-by?
I have an earring made into a keychain; Amy gave the earrings to me for my 13th birthday. they're huge star beads and some amethyst balls which she'd bought from the bead shop and she'd made the earrings for me specifically because she knew I loved stars and she knew I loved amethyst. I treasure those but again I feel wierd for thinking about her and wanting her close by again. I also have a candle holder which she gave to me for my 14th. I often wonder what her mum did with her candle collection. it was huge.
Do/will you have a personal memorial for him on his death-day anniversary?
I have for Amy in the past. I find it cathartic. I talk to her like she's here, update her on the last year, tell her I miss her etc. Thankfully though, her DDay is the same as my god-son's birthday so I have something else to occupy me on that day and so I don't wallow. it's 10 years next year, I intend to go and lay flowers where she died.

There will always be a joe-shaped hole in your soul, but you will learn to cope; honestly. You just sort of walk around the hole instead of falling into it so to speak. Much Huggage.

[Ratty]

Thank you so much for yoru replies on here. And the personal message - you know who you are I was worried after I posted it that people would think "oh no, why is she telling us this? Its tooooo much" and I guess in some ways it is, I mean you only know me as a silly name and a few opinions about stuff on this lovely forum. But I feel very at ease with people on here and its a huge part of my life which I don't want to go unknown. I'm hoping I'll get to meet more of you IRL (in real life) in the future and that is exciting.

MrsF - Joe was a very easy going child, despite his autism, and he loved being outdoors (unless it rained!), playing golf and all things Pokemon, Star Wars & Lego! He loved watching films and nature documentaries. He knew just about everything there is to know about sea creatures and dinosaurs - when we picked Marine Conservation Society as one of the charities in his memory, we joked that it was only because there is no charity for dinosaurs!

And yes, several of my friends visibily wince when I mention his name! I still pick things "because Joe would have liked it" - one of our 4 new rescued hens is named Brownie because it is the sort of straightforward name he'd have picked for a brown hen! We have a lot of photos in the house and for my final major project for college (Foundation Degree in Art & Design) I made an installation piece which looked like a bedroom and featured things I'd made out of his clothes and some of his belongings. We have the luxury of not currently needing to use his bedroom so things are fairly untouched in there - its NOT some kind of shrine but we don't need to hurry to get rid of everything. From time to time I go in and take things out - this week I Freecycled a couple of old soft toys and a pair of football boots he grew out of 2 summers ago! I know eventually I'll have to sort everything but now we're staying in this house for another couple of years I can do it at my leisure. I think Ash will go straight into Joe's bedroom (his cotbed is still by our bed!) rather than the box room because I like having a spare bedroom and it makes more sense for this to be the box room. And I think Joe would like that too.

Joe was a fairly fussy eater - his autism I believe - so his favourite food revolved around mashed potato (which I used to sneak carrots, turnips, swede etc into!) and either fish or veggie fingers - he never ate meat - plus lots & lots of tomato sauce. This week Ash discovered the joy of dunking chips into tomato sauce and we said how Joe would have thought this was really funny. Joe had got into garlic bread (especially with melted cheese on top) in a big way last year so whenever we eat out with family someone has to order garlic bread to eat

I think my friends have struggled to understand how I feel because they have never lost anyone - not even a parent yet - and many of them don't have kids so they just don't grasp how immense this is in my life. Joe isn't a dirty secret though. He had a great life, we did loads of things together and he greatly enhanced my life. We travelled a long way together from single parenthood (his father left me when Joe was 9 months old) to being a family for the past 4 years with OH. Unfortunately we only lived altogether for 9 months before we lost Joe because I was worried how he would react to a house move, it had turned out to be the best thing we ever did! I do get great support from Joe's school here. His teaching assistant & the Special Educational Needs teacher keep in touch with me and we've started up a fundraising group to make a playground full of fun things for the many children with special needs at his school - we already have a beautiful sandpit in his memory there (he loved digging and used to dig up half the school grounds!).

Thank you for allowing me to say these things. It helps to know people care. I think I strive to almost prove he existed sometimes because he is no longer about to bounce onto my lap for a hug!

[Milims]

Dearest Ratty, I cannot imagine your pain and grief. I do believe that those we love only truly die if we forget them. If we think of them often, speak of them fondly and share them with others they are never far away from us. So go ahead, tell us all about your splendid wee chap. And for you, speak to him often - you may not be able to see him standing next to you but who's to say he can't here you where he is? For all you know he may just be around the corner waiting for you to catch up.
Kind thoughts and warm hugs

[the.fee.fairy]

Ratty,

If you need to vent, or to chat or anything, feel free. We're all friends here and nothing's too much trouble (generally..).

[Cligereen]

Hi Ratty,

My heart goes out to you. While I thank God I havn't personally been in your situation, I have often been involved with dying children and their families as part of my professional life. One family showed me this poem which I find very reassuring and comforting. I offer it to you and Joe with love.


Death is nothing at all
I have only slipped away into the next room
I am I, and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other
That we still are.




Call me by my old familiar name
Speak to me in the easy way which you always used
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes
We enjoyed together.


Play, smile, think of me, pray for me,
Let my name be ever the household word that
It always was.


Let it be spoken without effort,
Without the trace of a shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant
It is the same as it ever was
There is absolutely unbroken continuity.


Why should I be out of mind because I am
Out of sight? I am but waiting for you
For an interval
Somewhere very near
Just around the corner .
All is well.


Canon Henry Scott Holland (1847-1918)

[Marc]

Aww, Ratty .... It's hard to even imagine how you must feel - I can see why you've been struggling.

I'm sure everyone who reads this will be sharing a small part of your grief and I'd like to send love and best wishes to you all.
Marc
xx