Rant!!! (mild swearing - maybe not child suitable)

[Brij]

I'm sorry but I have to get this all off my chest, I'm so bloody fed up with all of this!

A little background... I've been suffering from depression. This has made it ridiculously hard to adjust to living out here, especially since I came out with frankly substandard French, and the last thing I've needed was a knock to the little confidence I have.

So I'm co-habiting with a guy from Southampton uni (like me), who is not bad at heart, but we're stuck in a situation where the only bathroom is the en-suite to his room. So when his girlfriend's round, I can't use it. I know that the normal reaction would be to ignore the fact that she's there and barge through anyway, but I cant bring myself to do that. I'm not normal, it's that simple. So the deal is, I organise my life around his so that he gets first dibs on the bathroom for the night, because I accept that it's my problem and not his, and I don't want to inflict it on him.

This used to work that he'd tell me at the beginning of the week when she was over (or likely to be over) and I'd work from there. But recently he's been getting less and less reliable, and these past few weeks I've been lucky to get an hour's notice to rearrange my plans so that I can still do the stuff I want to... all this is bearing in mind when they're in, they won't be out until gone lunchtime the next day, and I don't have the money to go find a cafe to sit in while I wait.

Now in the past couple of months French Bloke (Romain) has come on the scene. I like him, and he understands that if FM (that's flatmate)'s girlfriend is over, he can't stay over.

We've been getting closer and closer, but a couple of weeks ago he told me that once I go back to the UK, it's all over between us. I can accept this (it wouldn't be ideal for me to have a long-distance relationship either) and so we've agreed to make the most of the time we do have together as a couple.

But recently he's been getting less reliable too, and I've really started to doubt if it's really worth while flogging a dead horse. So last night we had a Talk and he reassured me and said he's make more effort.

So that brings us to the past 24 hours.

FM says his missus will be over Weds night. Then he changed his mind, said either tonight or Weds. That was this morning. This afternoon FB said he'd be over either Weds or Thurs (it depends on his work). Then, an hour and a half ago, I asked him to decide when she was over so I can organise FB. He says tonight. No problem there then. There's something I want to do with a gal pal on Thurs morning, so I figure, get FB over Thurs, everything's fine.

Then half an hour ago, FM decides that his other half will be over on Thurs. I have to text FB saying he can't be over that night. That means I can't see both FB and gal pal because it'll clash.

Despite the fact that the last time I saw FB was last Thurs, and he's not made any effort to even talk to me, let alone see me since then, I'm really doubting that he'll go along with this. But he's the only person I've had in my life since December that I can just relax with. Plus FM is staying out here until Oct, and therefore he has plenty of time to see his girlfriend whenever he wants. I only have two flipping weeks left!

I know it sound ridiculously unimportant to be upset about, but this is all my life revolves around at the moment.

I'm actually in floods of tears at the frustration of organising it all. I just feel so bloody lonely and vulnerable and like I just can't get it right. If I could just give up and go home to the UK now, I would. But frankly I don't have a spare 3 EUR for a bottle of wine, let alone 300 EUR for a last-minute Eurostar ticket.

So sorry, I know it's a ridiculous rant to have on this site, but I also feel that little bit less lonely to know I'm a part of this open-minded big-hearted virtual community, so it seems as good a place to vent as any.

[AXJ]

Hey, I understand your situation, it is hard moving to a new country, especilly if you're not completely up to speed with the language.

Your situation sounds quite untenable, you have to be able to use the lavatory when you need to. Your FM should get a classic screen for the end of his bed, so after knocking you can pass by to use the bog, with out having to clap eyes on each other.

If I were in your position I would put forward a simple plan. You share the bedroom with the bathroom 50/50. You have the use of the bedroom with the ensuite say Sat to Tues, he has it Weds to Fri. Then you both have a weekend night. You could rota the Fridays and Saturdays time slots. Once a month one of you has from friday to Tuesday, for that special weekend.

He gets to see the reality from your view, and there is no messing about with dates and times.

Between you, you make the bedroom with the bathroom a nice place for you both to use, arrange washing days for bed sheets etc on the change over days, and organise your 'stuff' so that the big bedroom is kind of like a love den, rather than anyones's personal space, much lilke you would a bathroom.

Treat the other room as private shared space for your joint 'things'

You could make the big bedroom a semi living room, with music and the TV, so when you are not entertaining you have a nice space to share.

Don't let him use you as he appears to be at the moment, although he may not feel that he is. Get him to put the boot on the other foot.

I don't understand why he has this power over the situation, presumably you share the costs, in which case share the rights. You have to put your foot down. Remember that you may be depressed now, chances are you could not be more depressed if you take the bull by the horns, in fact chances are you'll cheer yourself up by taking action.

It is easy to feel that you can't do anything, because bad as it is, you feel that what you do might make matters worse. Often the reality is if you do something, things more often than not get better.

A last resort is running away, as you decided to go there in the first place, the challenge is to make a sucess of it. Having said that, sometimes a tactical retreat is the best way to move forwards. If so, you need to get the resources together to do that, to buy the ticket to home, ring your friends or family, sort out some one to stay with when you get there. Get a pledge from a friend to help you with the ticket home. Save your money. Thus empowering yourself, then you know you have a way out, it does not mean you have to ue it. But, you can put your foot down in the situation, knowing that you can give him the middle finger and go when you feel like it.

Of course this takes planning, and will not resolve your situation on one visit to this forum, but that is one way to pull yourself up by your boot straps. I am sure others have suggestions too.

[Helsbells]

Hello!
Dont feel bad for sharing, thats what this place is for I think.
I kind of know how you feel in a way, its really hard sharing with someone in non-ideal situations, I really feel for you, and hope everything gets resolved and you can come home soon. Remember that you have people thinking of you over here and sending you happy thoughts and hoping you feel better.

Love Helen

[Annpan]

((((Hugs))))

It is madness that you can't use the bathroom... madness you need to put your foot down there. As for FB sometimes it just sucks.

[Brij]

AXJ, that is a fantastic solution. If it weren't for the fact that I'm leaving at the end of the month, I would insist upon doing that.

In fact, it's moving out at the end of the month that's really intensified the situation, as I'm determined to get the best out of the last couple of weeks.

I think the main reason for FM getting priority is the fact that I can't stand conflict. I mean, I'm very good at conflict, I can argue my way out of alot of things, and I am happy to have shouting matches and all that goes with them. But deep down it breaks my heart, so I do tend to just give in. I can see myself having the same problem when I move out, since I'm moving in with someone that's challenging me for the larger bedroom despite the fact that I went out of the way to find the flat (on his request) to start with, and that I'm moving in first, and that I'll gladly convert the smaller room to a double for him anyway... but that's another story for another time.

Thanks for not making me feel like a fool, everyone. It has really really helped to just get it off my chest, being able to re-read the post and try to keep it all in perspective. I guess that's the worst thing about depression (according to my experiences, at least, and that's assuming it is depression, I've not had a professional consultation), that it's very hard to keep anything in perspective.

Annpan, you're right, sometimes it does just suck. But at least since there's one bloke I like as much as him around, there's likely to be another, and maybe next time the relationship won't have an expiry date.

[tim&fatima]

I'm glad you feel comfort in sharing with ish, there are some very wise people on here, with good advice
I totally agree with everything that AXJ said, You need to be strong, and do what is right for you. good luck.

[Helsbells]

You MUST put your foot down with getting the big room in your new flat!
You will probably end up resenting your new house mate, and possibly yourself if you dont. You really deserve it after what you have been through.
Good luck.

[eccentric_emma]

I agree with Helen. you must put your foot down. you deserve to be treated better in the future! (and in the past too but theres not a lot you can do about that! ) as for the meantime, i gave you my suggestions in the chatroom - make loud noises outside their door!

Take care, I hope the situation improves for your last couple of weeks. And as for FB, its such a cliche but theres plenty more fish in the sea...

[the.fee.fairy]

If you end up in a similar situation again, make the bedrrom with the bathroom a living room, and the living room another bedroom.

I was going to live in a house with exactly the same set up (except it had an outside loo that no-one knew whether it worked or not). We decided that even though the bedroom was upstairs, there was another room up there, and the living room was a separate room, so therefore, instead of using the downstairs room as a living room, we'd use the upstairs bedroom. It was going to be a bit topsy turvy, but it'd do the job!

[Millymollymandy]

Fee's idea makes the most sense (OMG this text I am typing is GREEN I don't like that very much ).

I don't understand why your boyfriend can't come and stay with you whenever you and he want, or is he too embarassed to go through the other bedroom to the bathroom or loo as well.

Just to clarify, as you are in France, is it just the bathroom which is en-suite and you have a separate loo as is normal in France?

If it is all in one room, where the hell do you go to the loo? (seem to have lost the bug eyed surprised smilie)

[Milims]

Aw hun - I don't have time to read all this yet as I have to go to work - but I'll come back later for the rest. In the meantime i send you a hug - and remember- when you come to the end of your rope - tie a knot in it and hang on!

[Jobi1canobi]

Hey Brij,

I can totally sympathise. I once lived in a house that had only an en suite bathroom and I wasn't the lucky one that got it. I put up with it for so long but then decided that it was a totally unacceptable situation and so we turned the dining room into a bedroom downstairs and made the bedroom into a living room. Probably not an option if you only have two weeks left though.

When you move out - are you moving somewhere else in France? As far as I'm concerned - when you move in first - just move into the larger room. It's done then - no discussion. What's the worse that can happen? They'll be arsey for a while but they'll get over it.

When it comes to being able to return to the UK - I'm sure your friends and family would be really upset if they found out that they didn't know your situation and they hadn't had the opportunity to help you. Call them, tell them you're unhappy (even if it means swallowing some pride) and let them help you. I've done it - it's not that bad.

No-one should feel alone - sometimes it's just a case of letting people know how you feel. You'll be surprised - allowing people the opportunity to help you will make them feel good about themselves too! Trust me - this is the voice of experience speaking!

As for French Bloke - it sucks - but as you say, not all relationships have an expiry date. You can take control though and move on.

Hope that helps - or tell me shut up - whatever!

[Annpan]

what jobi said

[Brij]

I can't really reply fully as my connection to the new server is tenuous at best right now, but thanks again for the moral support guys, it really does help to know i'm not just being unreasonable!

As for FB... it won't be the first relationship i've had that's ended, it's just annoying me that he's not being a bit more consistent, since it does matter alot at the moment.

[AXJ]

I have to admit that my solution was based on the idea that you only have two rooms, turning the room with the bathroom into the living room is clearly the best solution, should one be in that situation again!!