Letter to DEFRA

[Cassiepod]

I don't know if this is true or not butI've just received this transcript of an letter apparently sent to DEFRA

Rt Hon David Miliband MP
Secretary of State,
Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA),
Nobel House
17 Smith Square
London SW1P 3JR
16 May 2007


Dear Secretary of State,

My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I would now like to join the "not rearing pigs" business.

In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.

I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?

As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this? My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any. If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100?

I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your department.

Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases? Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don't rear?

I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current DEFRA advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)?

In view of the above, you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits. I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election.


Yours faithfully,


Nigel Johnson-Hill.

[Stonehead]

It's a re-write of an American joke, but there's still a lot of truth in it.

[camillitech]

that's nothing a friend of mine (and i'm sure he's not alone) gets paid for growing rushes

the world has gone mad

[Lord Azrael]

That's brilliant! I do like a good dose of sarcasm in the morning, especially when it's aimed at the government!

seriously though, maybe we should find what we can potentially be paid to grow and actually make some money from it?
If the government wants to pay us for things, well, who are we to complain?

[Stonehead]

seriously though, maybe we should find what we can potentially be paid to grow and actually make some money from it?

Some farmers up this way are being paid to plant their land will geese family crops and then count the geese that stop over. How do they count them? By counting the amount of goose droppings in a field on a given day and then dividing by five (apparently geese defecate five times a day).

So, you can get paid for counting goose poo!!!!

[Annpan]

I heard on the radio the other day that th French goverment are offering payoffs to vineyard owners who rip up their vines.

Apparently they cannot even give away the excess wine and the market is still being flooded as new vineyards are opening all the time, often by retired brits who like this idea of a new life.

Is it me or is there something seriously wrong with the economics of this what happened to market forces?

[ina]

Apparently they cannot even give away the excess wine

Nobody's asked me yet if I wanted to be given some of that wine!

[Annpan]

thats what I was thinking, you can't get decent cheap wine in this country... send it over