A woman keeps asking her husband if her guns are too small. ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Aw, what about this one...Does this make them look smaller?'' she asks.
The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband, ''Does this shirt make my boobs look bigger? Oh, why are my guns so small!''
Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, ''I know how to make them larger!''
''How!?!?!?'' she asks.
''Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between those guns.''
''Ok...How long will this take?'' she asks.
''They should expand over the years,'' he answers.
''How do you know that?'' she wonders.
''I dunno, but it worked with your ass, didn't it?'''
Next topic: Trucks
Joke of the day
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Thomzo
- A selfsufficientish Regular
- Posts: 4311
- Joined: Thu Feb 01, 2007 1:42 pm
- Facebook Name: Zoe Thomas
- Location: Swindon, South West England
I've found one at last!!! Well almost....
A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain’t horny, I’m homesick."
Next topic - cooking
A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain’t horny, I’m homesick."
Next topic - cooking
-
lindysman
- Jerry - Bit higher than newbie
- Posts: 47
- Joined: Mon Oct 16, 2006 9:36 pm
- Location: Back in the UK, Suffolk
Cooking - my pet subject....
Instructions for Microsoft's New TV Dinner Product:
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to
accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not
give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an
infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others
smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how
good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven.
Set the oven using these keystrokes:
mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat
Then enter:
ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.
If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and
press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.
If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the
ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight
of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start.
The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner
exactly to your specification.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case
your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove
the dinner from the oven and enter:
ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap
This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the
microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work,
contact your oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink.
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger
than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of
which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too
large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment.
Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the
chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety,
call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want
another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need. Microsoft
has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their
chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family
size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be
saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98.
However, that version has yet to be released. Users have
permission to get thrilled in advance.
Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the
freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not
a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.
.
.
.
Next subject - Irish
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to
accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not
give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an
infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others
smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how
good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven.
Set the oven using these keystrokes:
mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat
Then enter:
ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.
If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and
press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.
If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the
ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight
of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start.
The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner
exactly to your specification.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case
your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove
the dinner from the oven and enter:
ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap
This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the
microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work,
contact your oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink.
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger
than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of
which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too
large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment.
Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the
chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety,
call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want
another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need. Microsoft
has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their
chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family
size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be
saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98.
However, that version has yet to be released. Users have
permission to get thrilled in advance.
Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the
freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not
a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.
.
.
.
Next subject - Irish
Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.
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ohareward
- Living the good life
- Posts: 435
- Joined: Thu Jan 18, 2007 1:48 am
- Location: Ohoka, Nth Canty, New Zealand
There were two Welshmen, two Scotsmen, two Irishmen and two Englishmen. They were on this cruise in the Pacific Ocean and their ship struck a reef and sank with all hands except the eight men. They were all able to swim ashore. They were on the island a year and the two Welshmen had formed a choir. The two Scotsmen had started a whisky still. The two Irishmen were fighting on the beach and the two Englishmen were waiting to be formally introduced.
Next topic...taxi driver
Next topic...taxi driver
'You know you are a hard-core gardener if you deadhead flowers in other people's gardens.
To err is human. To blame someone else, is management potential.
To err is human. To blame someone else, is management potential.
-
Bonniegirl
- A selfsufficientish Regular
- Posts: 645
- Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2007 5:22 am
- Location: Hamilton New Zealand
- Contact:
The Taxi Driver & the Nun
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".
She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a desire to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfils his fantasy with a passionate kiss that would make anyone blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's alright my dear, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween Party!
Oops......next subject...............ermmm.........gardening
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".
She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a desire to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfils his fantasy with a passionate kiss that would make anyone blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's alright my dear, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween Party!
Oops......next subject...............ermmm.........gardening
The Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young!
-
Andy Hamilton
- Site Admin
- Posts: 6631
- Joined: Tue Oct 26, 2004 11:06 pm
- Location: Bristol
- Contact:
A man is happily gardening away in the winter. Cleaning up all the dead folage and digging over his veg patch for next year. He goes to his shed to get a spade and hears a knock on the shed door. He looks around and see's nothing. He goes back into his shed and hears the knock again.
He opens the shed door again and hears a little voice saying, "down here".
He looks down and sees a snail. He picks it up and throws it to the other end of the garden.
Time passes and it is now summer. The man is very busy around his garden. He nips into his shed to get his small fork that he uses for weeding. Whilst pottering around he hears a knock on the shed door. He looks around and see's nothing. He goes back into his shed and hears the knock again.
He opens the shed door again and hears a little voice saying, "down here".
He looks down and sees a snail. The snail looks back up at him and says, "what did you do that for"?
Next topic tea.
He opens the shed door again and hears a little voice saying, "down here".
He looks down and sees a snail. He picks it up and throws it to the other end of the garden.
Time passes and it is now summer. The man is very busy around his garden. He nips into his shed to get his small fork that he uses for weeding. Whilst pottering around he hears a knock on the shed door. He looks around and see's nothing. He goes back into his shed and hears the knock again.
He opens the shed door again and hears a little voice saying, "down here".
He looks down and sees a snail. The snail looks back up at him and says, "what did you do that for"?
Next topic tea.
First we sow the seeds, nature grows the seeds then we eat the seeds. Neil Pye
My best selling Homebrew book Booze for Free
and...... Twitter
The Other Andy Hamilton - Drinks & Foraging
My best selling Homebrew book Booze for Free
and...... Twitter
The Other Andy Hamilton - Drinks & Foraging
-
Bonniegirl
- A selfsufficientish Regular
- Posts: 645
- Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2007 5:22 am
- Location: Hamilton New Zealand
- Contact:
An old couple was watching TV one evening, and the husband got up to go to the kitchen. His wife told him to get her some iced tea, and knowing that the years had taken their toll on his memory, she told him to write it down.
"I can remember iced tea," he protested.
"But I want sugar in my tea too," she told him, "so write it down."
He told her he could remember iced tea with sugar.
"I want a slice of lemon too." she said, "Just write it down."
He left the room grumbling to himself. A few minutes later he came back with a plate full of mashed potatoes for her.
"Now look what you've done!" she yelled at him, "You forgot my gravy!"
next subject....socks
"I can remember iced tea," he protested.
"But I want sugar in my tea too," she told him, "so write it down."
He told her he could remember iced tea with sugar.
"I want a slice of lemon too." she said, "Just write it down."
He left the room grumbling to himself. A few minutes later he came back with a plate full of mashed potatoes for her.
"Now look what you've done!" she yelled at him, "You forgot my gravy!"
next subject....socks
The Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young!
-
Bonniegirl
- A selfsufficientish Regular
- Posts: 645
- Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2007 5:22 am
- Location: Hamilton New Zealand
- Contact:
-
Millymollymandy
- A selfsufficientish Regular
- Posts: 17637
- Joined: Tue May 10, 2005 6:09 am
- Location: Brittany, France
-
Bonniegirl
- A selfsufficientish Regular
- Posts: 645
- Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2007 5:22 am
- Location: Hamilton New Zealand
- Contact:
Godzone
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the arch angel found him on the seventh day, resting. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds "Look Michael, look what I've made." said God. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "it's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small land mass and said "What's that one?" Ah," said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth.
There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and hills. The people from New Zealand are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable,hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely,"Wait until you see the w@nkers I'm putting next to them.
I call them 'Australians'
I really do apologise!! So you can make it even next topic
Australia
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the arch angel found him on the seventh day, resting. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds "Look Michael, look what I've made." said God. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "it's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small land mass and said "What's that one?" Ah," said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth.
There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and hills. The people from New Zealand are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable,hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely,"Wait until you see the w@nkers I'm putting next to them.
I call them 'Australians'
I really do apologise!! So you can make it even next topic
Australia
The Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young!
An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, a Fosters, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each other.
At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that if she pays him more some attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him again, so she goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her: "Melbourne".
"So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?"
"Glen Iris" he replies
"That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?"
"Cameo Street" he replies
"This is unbelievable..." she says,"What number?"
He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished.
"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22! My parents still live there!"
"I know..." he says, "Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"
HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN THINKS AUSTRALIAN!
I do love my Australian cuzzies...
At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that if she pays him more some attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him again, so she goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her: "Melbourne".
"So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?"
"Glen Iris" he replies
"That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?"
"Cameo Street" he replies
"This is unbelievable..." she says,"What number?"
He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished.
"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22! My parents still live there!"
"I know..." he says, "Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"
HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN THINKS AUSTRALIAN!
I do love my Australian cuzzies...
New Zealand rocks ma sox off 
-
Andy Hamilton
- Site Admin
- Posts: 6631
- Joined: Tue Oct 26, 2004 11:06 pm
- Location: Bristol
- Contact:
We need you to give us the next subject kiwi!
First we sow the seeds, nature grows the seeds then we eat the seeds. Neil Pye
My best selling Homebrew book Booze for Free
and...... Twitter
The Other Andy Hamilton - Drinks & Foraging
My best selling Homebrew book Booze for Free
and...... Twitter
The Other Andy Hamilton - Drinks & Foraging
-
Bonniegirl
- A selfsufficientish Regular
- Posts: 645
- Joined: Wed Mar 14, 2007 5:22 am
- Location: Hamilton New Zealand
- Contact:
Sorry this is the best I could come up with 
(that was clean!)
Banana Peel
Customer: "How much is that banana for?"
Salesperson: "$1.00"
Customer: "Can you sell it to me for 60 cents?"
Salesperson: "At that rate, you'll only get the banana peel!"
Customer: "Okay... I'll buy the banana for 40 cents, but you can keep the peel!"
Next subject............................
Desert Island
(that was clean!)Banana Peel
Customer: "How much is that banana for?"
Salesperson: "$1.00"
Customer: "Can you sell it to me for 60 cents?"
Salesperson: "At that rate, you'll only get the banana peel!"
Customer: "Okay... I'll buy the banana for 40 cents, but you can keep the peel!"
Next subject............................
Desert Island
The Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young!