Should you pay for someone else's lifestyle choice?

[DavidP]

Not an easy situation to get out of. It might make it easier for you if you sat down with the both of them and had an emotional heart to heart to explain how this is affecting you and how you feel about people taking responsibility for their own lives and these are the reasons why you do not want to be asked for the next appliance shopping list because the handouts are now finished.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do but remember it's not you who are in the wrong......

[berry]

If it helps, i first moved into my "new" home with my son (then 2weeks old) and had only a microwave, toaster, kettle, one of those health grills and a tv I had to put on plastic crates upside down! - basically my uni kit. that was it. i struggled for 6mths cooking on that lot. borrowed a camping fridge from a friend and washed clothes by hand in summer or walked to the launderette in winter. it took me ages to save for everything i needed. BUT it really did kick me up the arse in terms of priorities.

I bought all my plates and dishes over several months from charity shops (never find a whole dinner set and the cheap ones were carp) bath towels when they were on sale, sofa was found on freecycle and a few times id check down the back alley of my home - old terrace with ally for bins- to see if anyone had put out furniture. i scored a decent coffee table doing that!

i think your daughter could do with a dose of the same. MAKE them use the launderette/wash by hand. shop day to day/borrow items. it is IMO the only way people learn the value of things. ultimately if you have to save for so long for an item you appreciate it more. these days im luckier that i dont need to spend so long saving for a new appliance (have an emergencies only savings account with a few hundred pounds in it)

Now i have a kitted out yet mismatched home but i appreciate and look after every item i own. It was a struggle and only these last 2 years ive had what most consider a comfortable home.


just to add... the kids they have, they wont worry too much about those things. they adapt easily so dont feel you are hurting your grankids by not helping!

[happyhippy]

Thanks for your thoughts Berry,I really admire people like yourself!FWIT,when I left school and started work aged 16,I started what was called a "Glory Box"!I had an old tea chest,and each pay day I would add something to it.Could be a dinner set,saucepans,duvet covers,you get the gist!I was also saving my butt off to go travelling,so when I turned 18(I'm 52 now! )I brought my flight ticket and off I went for a year (From Australia).When I returned to Australia,I still had my glory box,so I started working again and rented my own flat.I brought a second hand double bed,and a sofa for $100!I had my stereo,and no tv!I had to work hard (and still do)for my stuff and as much as I love the grandkids,my daughter and her partner have chosen not to work.Still adament this is the last time I am helping them out.If they want stuff they can bloody well work for it like the rest of us!

[prison break fan]

I have been following this thread with great interest, and feel it has really helped you see things clearly and become more determined in your decision. Well done! pbf.

[berry]

i had the same! mine was an old battered suitcase only when ex left me i lost an awful lot of my stuff through being 'homeless' - not on the streets but in temp accommodation when pregnant and had to get rid because i couldnt afford storage or the constant housemoves. a back pack of clothes, bedding and a few bits i could move in a taxi was far cheaper .

[clare]

I was dumbfounded reading about your situation and I agree you should sit down with them and explain the handouts are stopping afterall if they are responsible enough to be parents then with that responsibility comes providing for them.In my experience Uni comes first then a job then children.If they have done it the other way round then they need to make do with secondhand stuff and get part time work alongside Uni to support the children.It seems to be the culture these days that it is everyones right to have all the latest stuff and have as many kids as they like and not think about how it will be paid for.We have 2 children because that is how many we can afford and we work very hard to get by and would never ask our parents to help us it's part of being an adult...........

[happyhippy]

Yes I totally agree.Her partner had a reasonably well paid job before they had any kids.He then quit his job,my daughter then became pregnant,and he then applied to go to uni,and neither of them have worked since.Its going to be even longer until they have an income by paid work because,his last year of uni was last year,but he suddenly decided to do his masters!Alright for some!

[GeorgeSalt]

I'm guessing that not only are handouts being sought, but a considerable tuition fee debt is being worked up. Are they really conscious of their financial situation?

[happyhippy]

Well I really don't know tbh!They live in Cornwall,and have now moved into the council house.Fairly high unemployment rate down that way and I can only hope the partner finds work.He has already said he will not take an unskilled job!

[Pumpkin&Piglet]

Just a thought about the posts from berry. My husband and I were fortunate enough not be in quite her situation but we did have some homes that were less than up to my parents-in-law standard.

I was overjoyed at this though - I didn't want to miss out on the part of life when it's hard and when you're learning how to do it all 'properly.' I thoroughly enjoyed my time having to think of a chinese take away as the ultimate luxury because we were so happy to be together and in our own space.

They however did not approve of our choices and felt that someone in their family was far too good to go through such learning experiences and ought to bypass straight to a 3 bedroomed house and a mortgage (strangely enough they did not want to pay for this and it meant my husband living with them until he was about 40!!)

We now have a beautiful 2 bedroomed house that we rent. It's not quite the success that some would aim for but we love it and are very happy (mostly because it has a modern boiler and a garden!) but I would certainly not appreciate this half as much if I hadn't lived in places where I had to 'make do.'

I am definitely the sort of person who would take it for granted and would not be as happy. If you can't appreciate what you have then you find things to moan about!

[berry]

hehe yes I think I am very lucky with my new boiler and huge garden. a roof over my head and food in the cupboards.

too many people think "because I'm worth it" is an acceptable reason to live, to consume and to act how they please with little consideration to others or their environment.

A short sharp shock will change thier views and after all having the right perspective can make you feel like a king rather than a pauper without it costing a penny.

[oldfella]

Reading through these post's, there seems to be a shortage some good honest advice like "If you want it,get of your Arse and earn it"

[diggernotdreamer]

Reading through these post's, there seems to be a shortage some good honest advice like "If you want it,get of your Arse and earn it"

I think you are completely right OF, too much pussy footing around goes on these days