sad anniversaries, how do you cope?

[mrsflibble]

i ask cos next wednesday is the anniversary of my amniotic fluid embolism, heart attack and subsequent coma. it's also sophie's birthday. same time every year i start worrying; will i break down at a family party? will i have a panic attack in the shopping centre when i remember what day it is? will i cope? then again the day will probably pass with nothing more than fab fun for soph all day and a bit of teary cuddle with james in the evening when sophs in bed.

in may it is 10 years since my friend committed suicide because she couldnt cope due to exam stress. i will be visiting the car park any way i can and laying flowers, and telling her about the last decade. i dont know where her grave is

so how do you cope with sad anniversaries? sorry i am on a bit of a downer today; i will be ok again after the 4th feb lol!!

[becks77]

Sad anniversaries are difficult, mostly I keep my thoughts to myself on those occasions and just have pleasant memories (of those who have passed away) Its a very personal thing so I tend not to share it other than to mention that its the anniversary of..... I dont live near the graves of those concerned, but when I do visit I do the flowers etc and take a moment and a deep breath.
I hope next Wednesday is OK perhaps try to focus on the birthday rather than the sadness,its tricky and I hope it all works out
Becks

[Rosendula]

Oh MrsF! You are forgetting that you are recovering from the depression that you were going through in previous years on these anniversaries. This year will be less upsetting for you as on Sophie's birthday you will be able to focus more on Soph and less on the horrible things that happened. Next year will be even easier. You will never forget what happened, but as your depression lifts, you will find you are able to focus more on the here and now, and less on the past.

With respect to your friend, who you must miss dearly: grief is not an illness that you can recover from, but as time passes you learn to cope with the grief. You have taken longer than most to learn to cope with it, because of your past mental health issues. But now, at last, you can. It is a slow process, but things will get easier for you now. You'll never forget your friend, but now you are stronger you will find that as time passes you will be able to focus more on the memories of the good times you had with her.

[Graye]

You have two completely different events to deal with here.

Firstly your very sudden illness and daughter's birth. I know from previous posts that you are finding it difficult to let go about the traumatic circucmstances. It's such a pity because it must blight your enjoyment of your daughter's birthday. I don't suppose you can approach it from a different angle and think that there was a very specific cause for the illness, it's over and can't "come back to get you"? On that basis, and from the fact that your lovely daughter came along directly from the illness, could you think of starting to actually celebrate the day instead of letting it hang over you? I'm sure there is a specific name for this, something along the lines of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Is there no counselling to help you come to terms with it?

The suicide is a different kettle of fish. Over the years (given that I've got a fair few on you!) I've had several friends and close acquantainces do the same thing. Fortunately for me I never consciously remembered the anniversary dates but I still think of the people themselves whenever certain things trigger my memory. I'm not sure going back to the carpark itself is good for you. Could you not elect a more peaceful place (a park or garden) where you could lay your flowers and talk to her? Or locate her family and enquire about a grave? Bear in mind there may not be one though... I don't think you can (or should) try to insulate yourself from feeling very sad about your friend, especially on the anniversary. It's part of life to have sad memories and these became part of who you are and how you react to people and things.

OH's first wife died in terribly tragic circumstances (not a suicide but entirely her own error of judgement and completely avoidable) about 8 years ago. On the anniversary I usually find somewhere else to go and he lights a few candles, plays music, drinks a couple of bottles of wine and generally raves at the world. Other than that one day he's normally fine with the whole thing now but we have had very distressing times and I'm sure it has given him a better ability to empathise with people's worries and concerns.

I hope Sophie has a lovely birthday and you don't let things get to you too badly.

[Andy Hamilton]

I have had a few good friends who have died in various ways, the way I deal with it is to phone or have a few pints with mutual friends. Or, as one of my friends passing was now 17 years ago it has simply become less painful. Don't get me wrong I still think of him it's just that these days it is on with a fondness and not a great level of sadness. The cliche is right time does heal, try and remember that to keep things in perspective.

[Green Aura]

It's simple to say, Mrs F, but harder to do - but concentrate on the fact that you're actually there to celebrate your daughter's birthday. It's actually a day of great rejoicing - you survived it all!

[shell]

put on your hat and coat and go for a long walk,think of all the positive things that have happened to you around this time especially the birth of your precious daughter,plant a rose bush for the departed you `ve had the pleasure to know,or light a candle in their memory,and release your tears in a quiet time alone for a little time that you put aside while perhaps drinking your cuppa and try to remember the good times had with departed friends,
i have lost a mother,husband,aunts,uncles,friends,but never a precious child that would take getting over,probally never would.thanks heavens i have my precious children aren`t we lucky

[Rod in Japan]

Why even think about it? There's no need whatsoever to torment yourself with what happened in the past. Anniversaries, whether 'happy' or 'sad' are a major cause of human misery, and they're totally unnecessary.

Just because it's your wedding anniversary, do you have to be happy? Why not be happy anyway? Or just because you had a bad time an arbitrary 1,080 days ago, does that mean you should also have a bad time now?

Please try to live in the moment. And smile. Smiling makes you happy, even when you may doubt it's possible.

And people who died are gone (but they may even be alive among us for all we know). Instead of loving somebody who's gone, love somebody who's still here.

[JulieSherris]

.. Instead of loving somebody who's gone, love somebody who's still here.

When I was 16, I was very much in love... he got killed on his motorbike by a drunk driver & I wasn't ready to let go.... for the next 20-odd years, no-one ever came close to being like him...
My poor ex-husband never even knew I was mentally comparing.... and we never stood a chance of having a long-term future because of it either.

Then 11 years ago, I met my hubby - he was a mate at first & I told him things that I'd never told anyone before..... and you know what, MrsF? It broke the curse.
I still think of Phil now & again, but NOW I can focus in on the funny things - the happy moments.... the trouble we caused by seeing each other (he was double my age at the time )

But Rod's right - at some point, you have to lift your mind out of the past & look at the present & to the future - else you'll drive yourself insane..... and Sophie deserves better....

Julie xx

[witch way]

Hi Mrs F., My daughter died 7 years ago on 23rd January. She was 21 and was involved in a car accident (she wasn't driving). Before that, I too thought like Rob and couldn't understand why people remembered anniversaries but the thing is, you have no choice, its something that happens in your head and it is impossible to ignore. I acknowledge my daughter's 'bad day' in that I try to be alone and weep until it's all out and I begin to feel better and turn to the positive things. If I don't it just lurks there and then happens anyway. There's nothing wrong with letting out grief.

I can see that that sort of sulf-indulgence would be difficult for you with having Sophie. Perhaps you could ask a friend to have her for an hour or so in the morning whilst you go somewhere and let out all the grief, then wash your face, take a deep breath and go and enjoy Sophie's brithday with a lifted heart.

Keep Well, ww.

[mrsflibble]

thanks for the comments everyone.

i jus asked soph what birthday cake she wants this year; least year's resounding sucess was a digger and making it toook my mind off for a while...; her answer was "i not know. i likes yellow.yellow my fabrit colour." so whatever it is it has to be yellow lol!

i look at her and i am lucky to be here, i am just not feeling it right now. it will pass i am sure.
i start counselling next tues and am on medication; for the counselling I am going private on a sliding fee scale and been on the waiting list for only 6 weeks. it's 18 months on the nhs. the tues after that i am doing my driving theory test. i am looking forward!

much love to you all.

[Clara]

I think the big issue with birth trauma is the conflict - that day is clearly the happiest day of your life because it was the day you met the most amazing precious person in the world but for good reasons you also feel terribly sad/disappointed/angry.... Then there are all those people who have no doubt come along over the years and said...."at least you are both alright now" etc, as well-meaning as this is it is also denying your negative feelings any validity, which means you push them away rather than dealing with them.

Don't be afraid to feel Mrs F, you are human and your pagan bent tells you to embrace these things, we have to learn to live with dark things sometimes. Perhaps you can find a perspective which allows you to accept that this is your story, transform the experience - create light from dark, strength from weakness, power from fear. Then create a ritual that represents this to you. We are the webs we weave. Blessed be

[prison break fan]

mrsfibble, We don't know each other, and I am much, much older than you, but I always think of you very fondly. You were one of the first people to help me when I first joined this site. I shall be sending you positive thoughts as you struggle with your day. Eleven years ago my precious grandson was killed, and I really dreaded the anniversary coming round. I warned my boss at work that I might not be in that day. When I turned up for work and he was surprised to see me, I realised I had forgotten what day it was! lots of love and best wishes, pbf

[SarahJane]

Mrs F I sympathise completely......you have had such a hard time but like Green Aura says, it is a time to celebrate......you are still here and a wonderful mum to Sophie. If that isnt cause for a celebration I dont know what is.

January is not a good month for me, I go theough dates........ this is the date I got the call from the hospital and dashed from one end of the country to the other to see my mum..... this is the date they took me to one side and said I needed to make a decision, to turn the machines off..... this is the day I lost my mum forever...... this is the date of the funeral,....this is the date of Mums birthday....

It doesnt matter how many years pass, I still feel the same each year.....it is my mums birthday tommorrow.

What I do each year now is start the new year on Feb 1st, that gives me time to feel sad, to still grieve and then try and get back to being positive.

Big hugs to you Mrs F and everyone else who has lost people close to their hearts. People say time is a great healer, I beg to differ! I just think we start to deal with it slightly differently.

[pumpy]

Hi mrs F, i have two step-sons aged 32 & 26yrs There should have been 29yr-old (Ricky), but he was a "cot death" at 1yr,2weeks. Every May(anniversary of birth & death), my Jackie deals with it in her own way, while i take a step back (tho' she knows she has my full support). I guess everyone deals with sad moments in their own way, but as long as you know that you have the love of someone dear to you then it helps to see you through the sad time, & look ahead to the good times. Always think of the good times. Andrew.