The queen of potato land has three daughers. One day the first comes to her and tells her she's fallen in love and is going to marry. So the Queen asks about the lucky Potato. The daughter replies that he is a King Edward. The Queen is impressed and gives her consent. Her second daughter falls in love and again goes to tell her Royal Highness. This time he is a Jersey Royal. Approving of this match too the Queen gives her consent. The third daugher the announces her love for Des Lynham. The Queen is disgusted!! "Oh No!! " she says "you can't marry him, he's not good enough. Both of your sisters have fallen for regal potatoes but him.... he's just a common 'tater!!"
Next subject..........
Parsips!
Let us be lovely
And let us be kind
Let us be silly and free
It won't make us famous
It won't make us rich
But damn it how happy we'll be!
Edward Monkton
Member of the Ish Weight Loss Club since 10/1/11 Started at 12st 8 and have lost 8lb so far!
After the 2nd World War, the allied powers were workng out where the border was to be between Russia and Poland. After they had got it sorted, teams went out to check where the border was actually going to be. They came across this lonely farmhouse. They knocked at the door and an old man answered it. They told him that his house was right on the border and asked him if he wanted to be in Russia or Poland. He replied that he would rather be in Poland, as he could not stand the freezing Russian winters.
'You know you are a hard-core gardener if you deadhead flowers in other people's gardens.
To err is human. To blame someone else, is management potential.
A Londoner visiting an upland region and a local shepherd were tending sheep in the mountains when they came across an ewe with her head caught in a fence.
The shepherd dropped his trousers, got down on his knees and had his way with the ewe.
Satisfied, the shepherd buttoned up and turned to the Londoner.
'Fancy a go?' asked the shepherd
'Don't mind if I do...' said the Londoner, so he drops his trousers, gets on his knees, and sticks his head in the fence.....
.
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Next Joke - Redneck!
Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.
A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach, when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic! Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Let us be lovely
And let us be kind
Let us be silly and free
It won't make us famous
It won't make us rich
But damn it how happy we'll be!
Edward Monkton
Member of the Ish Weight Loss Club since 10/1/11 Started at 12st 8 and have lost 8lb so far!
He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one
foot high and sets him on the counter.
He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it
on the counter as well.
He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench,
which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by
Mozart!
"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.
This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and
says: "Here. Rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke
and a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one
wish. Just one wish...each person is only allowed one!"
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million
bucks!"
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by
another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with
ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's
a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
"You're not joking," says the man, "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch
pianist?
Let us be lovely
And let us be kind
Let us be silly and free
It won't make us famous
It won't make us rich
But damn it how happy we'll be!
Edward Monkton
Member of the Ish Weight Loss Club since 10/1/11 Started at 12st 8 and have lost 8lb so far!
It's Saturday night, drunk fella staggers out of the pub and realises it is 2:00am and he is going to catch hell from the Mrs so decides he will take a short cut throught the cemetary. Unfortunately in his enebriated condition he does not see the open grave prepared for the funeral tomorrow and falls in. After a few futile attempts to get out (each time he tries the freshly dug earth gives way) he gathers his coat around him and curls up in a corner to go to sleep.
A short time later and the same pub disgorges another drunk with the same problem so he too decides on the cemetary route, and falls into the same grave. The second drunks struggles to get out wake up the original drunk curled up in the corner, so he decides to help the latest victim by giving him the benefit of his experience and lays his hand on the other drunks shoulder and says "You'll never get out".
This one was told me by a colleague - I suspect she heard it during one of her Guild meetings - what these devout women get up to!
Three men are out in the country walking. They come to a river, and decide to pray to the Lord to help them get across.
The first one prays: Oh Lord, give me the strength to cross the river. Pouff - the Lord sends him massive muscles, and he swims across.
The second one prays: Oh Lord, give me the strength and the equipment to cross the river. Pouff - the Lord sends him a boat, so he rows across.
The third one prays: Oh Lord, give me the strength, the equipment and the intelligence to cross the river. Pouff - the Lord transforms him into a woman. She looks at the map in her hand, sees there's a bridge 100 yards down river, and walks across.
Last edited by ina on Mon Apr 07, 2008 10:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Ina
I'm a size 10, really; I wear a 20 for comfort. (Gina Yashere)
A man walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm. The barman says "What's withthe octopus?" "Ah," says the man "this is no ordinary octopus, this octopus can play ANY musical instrument in the world". "Right," says the barman, "there's the joanna in the corner, lets hear it" so the man puts his octopus on the piano stool, it cracks its eight knuckles and starts playing a range of tunes from Rachmaninov, to "Roll out the barrel".
"A fluke" says the barman. "Here's a penny whistle". Again the octopus takes asecond, then starts playing jigs, and shantys.
Someone else provides a violin. Again the octopus is moving them to tears with haunting strings, then getting them up dancing to reels.
Finally someone gives the octopus a set of bagpipes. The octopus starts fidgeting and turning the bagpipes over and over.
"see", said the barman "I knew it couldn't play ANY instrument"
"Play it?" said the octopus, "When I get it's jammies off I'm gonna shag it!"
