Joke of the day

[Andy Hamilton]

So next topic is Hearing Aids

I can think of one, but it is very offensive I might have to ban myself if I repeted it. Will happily do another subject, unless someone else has a subject?

[Martin]

ho hum! - let's offend some buddhists!

A monk went to the dentist for an exam. The dentist found a cavity and said he would have to give the monk a filling.
"Do you want something for the pain?", asked the dentist.
The monk replied, "No thank you, I transcend dental medication."

[Shirley]

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a
set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that
you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit
around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three
times!"


Next topic - policeman

[Andy Hamilton]

Hmm, right then hopefully not too offensive heres a very old one that I heard at lower school...

Two prostitutes were having a chat.

"have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?", says one to the other
"No but I have been swang round by the tits".

Next topic: Cheese

[Muddypause]

Still on the subject of hearing aids, this is not a joke, but I did actually witness this event:

Two chaps were comparing hearing aids; one of them was very pleased with his new digital type. The conversation was roughly as follows:

"It's not bad; what's yours like?"
"I'm very happy with it. Would you like to try it?"
"OK; you have a listen to mine"
"Pardon?"
"Did you say something?"
"What's that?"
"Are you talking?"
"Is it turned on?"
"I CAN'T HEAR YOU"
"CAN YOU HEAR ME?"
"WHAT'S THAT?"

Normal service was eventually resumed.

[Boots]

hee hee - that was hell funny! Am shuddering to think where your next topic will take us though....

So will throw this in while I'm thinking.

Yo! Yer Mama so stooopid... she puts cheese by tha computer to feed tha mouse!


Whatcha call cheese that's not yours?...

Nacho Cheese, Man!






(Not Yo Cheese Man!)

... and here's one for Nev...


A mate wanted to open a factory making cheese. I asked him what type of cheese he was thinking of as all the popular ones were already being made. He thought about it for a while then decided to import cheese instead.

A week later I saw him again.

"How's the cheese importing coming along?" I asked him

"Great." He says, "I'm importing them from Israel."

"Isreali Cheese, huh? What are they called, then?"

"Cheeses of Nazareth!"

[Boots]

BOOM BOOM


(That's the next topic BTW)

[lindysman]

20 Boom Boom Jokes:-

1. Phone answering machine message "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key."

2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him £50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in..

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, Doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The Doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

11. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

19. You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

20. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more."
.
.
.
Next subject - Airplanes!

[Milims]

Aeroplanes...........

What do a bottle blonde and an aeroplane have in common?

Both have a black box


Next subject............


Doctors

[lindysman]

The doctor tells his patient: "Mandy, I have some good news and some bad news."
She asks for the good news first.
"Well, the test results are in, and the good news is that you aren't suffering from Pre-menstrual Syndrome, as you'd feared."
"And the bad news?" Mandy asks.
To which the Doc replies: "I'm afraid there's no cure for being a natural bitch."
.
.
Next subject - Driving....

[Milims]

Not really a joke - but my Mum had over 100 driving lessons before they discovered that she has no 3 dimensional perception at all!! She sees the world as entirely flat!!!

As for joke......
A man rings his (blonde) girlfriend and tells her that there has just been a report on the traffic news that there is a maniac driving the wrong way down the motorway and she needs to be careful on her way home. To which she replied..........
"waddya mean A manic driving the wrong way - they all are!!!"

Next topic........

Soup!

[Andy Hamilton]

Soup - well theres the obvious

"Waiter what is a fly doing in my soup"
"The backstroke sir"

One of my favorite stories is about soup, not really a joke and good for explaining what executives do all the time with ideas.

In days of yore a tramp is brought to the king, the king says that he is of no use in the kingdom and should be banished.
"Ah but I have a magic stone, it will make a tasty soup"
In disbelief the king orders for a cauldron full of water to be put on the fire and the tramp places the stone in it.
"It needs something else", says the tramp. Some potatoes perhaps.
The king orders potatoes to be put in the soup.
"Still needs something else", exclaims the tramp, some herbs I think.
He trys the soup again, "some meat now I think".
This goes on and many ingredients are added to the soup.
Now I will take out the magic stone and you should try the soup.
"It is a wondorus soup" and he allows the tramp to stay in the kingdom and gives him a room, clothing and lets him live off his soup.


Next topic - Spiders

[Boots]

What does Spiderman do during his spare time?

[Milims]

Boots - that was waaaayyyy Funny!!!! We've just had to pick ourselves up off the floor lauging!!!

A couple to be going on with......
Whats the stupidest animal in the jungle?

The Polar bear.


Whats the definition of a shitzu?

One with no aimals!!



Next topic......................

crocodiles!

[Tay]

It's the only one I can think of with crocodiles in it...

Two vampires wanted to go out to eat, but were having a little trouble deciding where to go. They were a little tired of the local food in Transylvania and wanted something a little more exotic. After some discussion, they decided to go to Italy because they had heard that Italian food was really good. So off they went to Italy and ended up in Venice.

On a bridge over one of the canals, they hid in the shadows and waited for dinner. A few minutes later they noticed a young couple walking their way.
As they neared, the vampires made their move.

Each vampire grabbed a person, sucked them dry and tossed the bloodless bodies into the canal below. The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal and decided to have seconds. Another young couple approached a few minutes later and suffered the same fate as the first sucked dry and tossed into the canal below. The vampires are now fairly full but decide to get dessert. A short while later a third young couple provides just that. As with the first two couples, these people were also sucked dry and tossed over the rail into the canal.

The vampires then decided that they'd had a marvelous dinner but it was time to head back home. As they started to walk away they began to hear the sound of someone singing. They were puzzled because no one else was on the bridge. As they listened a little longer, they realised that it was coming from the canal.

They looked over the rail and saw a big crocodile in the water under the bridge, feasting on the bodies they'd disposed of. As they listened the croc sang happily, "Drained wops keep fallin' on my head..."

And the next topic is: guns