What should I do?

[Annpan]

I found out today that our neighbour's daughter died yesterday, she was diagnosed with cancer last year, she was in her mid twenties. I am sitting here trying to figure out if I should make up a wee pot of soup or something for the family (there are 3 of them in the house today) or should I just hand in a card?
We aren't exceptionally close, but very friendly and they have helped us out a few times, it is quite a close knit village and we are the relative new comers....

Ohhhh I just don't know what to do I am pretty sure they would refuse any offer of help, that was why I considered forcing it on them

[snapdragon]

Knock and offer your condolences? You could offer soup at the same time.
One of the uncomfortable things when you've lost someone is when people avoid you because they are embarassed

[Annpan]

Well I have a broth on the stove now.

I think that is the difficult thing, because she was so young. I think when old people die, it is much more acceptable and it is easier to find something to say. But, when I am a similar age to her, and I have a wee girl myself.... and I know I can't go and say how horrific it all is.

I am going to pop in, but I am waiting till OH is home, I don't think it is appropriate for me to take my wee girl over.

[linzibean]

Annpan, what a lovely considerate lady you are. I'm sure some lovely home made soup and a little pop round to see how they are doing would be appreciated - often in these circumstances, people don't know how to react and the breaved can be left alone as others don't quite know how to handle them.

[StripyPixieSocks]

Definitely go and offer your condolences and the soup, as someone said above, most people avoid those kinds of situations because they just don't know what to say.

Cancer is an awful disease, seems to be an awful lot of it about at the moment too. I lost my best friend when she was 18 and I was 19 to cancer, my grandmother and others... it's a godawful disease and makes me really angry when it always seems to strike the good people in society.

My shop regularly donates money to Cancer Research UK... it's the least I can do.

You sound like a wonderful neighbour Ann, I'm sure even if they refuse help they will appreciate the gesture... sometimes people refuse help because they don't see themselves as needing it occasionally because they are in denial... stick with it and at least they know there's someone out there to help them should they need it!

[Annpan]

Well the milk man was just coming round, so I paid for their milk and took it into them. They had something arranged for dinner and seem to be taking it really well (well... you know)

The Mother and son appear to be a great comfort to each other and the Dad (a mean old man) was taken into hospital yesterday too, which is probably for the best as he really wouldn't be much help... though we don't think he'll last the summer.

[Green Aura]

A friend of mine's son died suddenly (from an overdose) some years ago. I didn't know what to do either - although I was quite close to her I hadn't known her that long and I didn't know the rest of her family at all.

In the end I bought her a small, hardy shrub which was in bloom at the time, with a little note giving my condolences and saying I hoped that, although the shrub may be a reminder of her son's death, it would also remind her of new life.

I was a bit worried it might be a bit over the top, but gave it to her anyway. A few months later I left my job and we lost contact.

The following year I got a lovely letter from her thanking me - the shrub (which she'd planted in the front garden) had come into bloom again and she felt it had really helped her to get through the anniversary.

[Rosendula]

A girl I went right through school with had cycstic firbrosis. Her and her parents moved into the house next door when we were in our teens. We never got close, but she was a nice girl. She died in her early 30s, after I had moved out of my parents house but while I was still in touch with them. I dreaded bumping into them. She was 6 months older than me and our families had known each other for nearly 30 years. I posted a card to them, and when I finally did see them I just stopped, said 'Hello' and let them react however they felt. They thanked me for the card and everything (for me) went back to normal. So I don't think you should worry. You being a similar age probably hasn't crossed their minds, and if it has, if they can't deal with you, you'll soon work it out, and they'll come back when they feel stronger and more in control of their emotions.

I think the soup was a lovely idea. I'd love to have someone like you as a neighbour.

[Annpan]

For some reason, feeding mourners is just what feels right. When ever I have had a death in my family people always seem most concerned with "have you eaten" I wonder now if it is a Glasgow thing

People bring food to the house (soups, stews, pies, etc) and its always homemade. I guess there are family coming in and out all the time, there are funeral arrangements to be made, everyone takes time off work, people arrive from far and wide. Food seems like the most simple, comforting thing but mourners rarely have time (or the inclination) to organise a meal.


Anyway, I made sure they know I am here if they need anything (I know they won't but it is important to show support)



I think it was Eddie Izzard who said "Treat your neighbour like someone who lives close to you"

[JulieSherris]

Ann, I wish I had a friend like you when my mum went!

We spent 5 days eating from the chippy or the kebab shop - often not until after 10pm by the time I realised what time it was

Our biggest problem was the state of her house - and the insistence of her partner to have her body brought back to the house..... and with folk 'popping in' and when I say the house was in a state, I really mean it.
Once we'd cleared the stuff we wanted to keep, & everyone else was brought to live with us in Blackpool, the council sent a bill for the house clearance of over 5 thousand pounds. Yep, Mum was a hoarder.

I would have loved someone to have put an arm around me & to let me have a chance to grieve, but I was too blumming busy scrubbing, washing carpets, clearing up after the animals, etc etc.

It sounds like your neighbours are very lucky to have you - and we're lucky to have you on here too!