Son's girlfriend doesn't eat my food

[Rosendula]

My son's girlfriend is visiting later over tea time. It will be the fourth time I've given her a meal here but I'm going to be keeping my eye on her.

First time she came round, we had sausage and mash and she ate it all.
Next time, we had a big pot of chilli on so people could help themselves to as much as they wanted, when they wanted. Son gave her a small bowl of it, which she stirred about a bit but didn't eat. I though perhaps she wasn't a chilli fan and offered her all sorts of alternatives, which she refused.
Third time she came it was home-made egg pasta in a home-made tomato and herb sauce with the obligatory garlic bread on the side. Gorgeous! She ate the garlic bread and left the rest.

Now OK, it could be a coincidence, or she might not like my home-made food . Or it could be something more; she's a big girl and my son is about as slim as the come (naturally slim, I might add. He eats for England and we expect him to start filling out in his twenties, as that seems to be the family trait on his side).

I'm doing sausage and mash again tonight to test her but I'm worrying about what to do if she doesn't eat it again. At what point do I contact her mother? I don't want to cause unneccessary distress, but if there's something going on in the girl's head, it needs nipping in the bud. Do I tell my son that if she doesn't eat it I'm going to talk to her Mum? If she tries to leave it and my son tells her she might then force herself to eat and hide her problems in other ways (make sense?). There isn't enough room around our table for both DS and DD1 to bring guests home, so they tend to eat in their room with their visitors. Do I keep it all secret and go behind their backs if she leaves it? Could cause problems in their relationship and then, of course, between my son and I.

What do you think I should I do?

[mrsflibble]

i would try chatting to the girl directly personally. if that doesnt work, go to the parents? i'm not sure. omg it's so complicated. i dont envy you!!

[Annpan]

Maybe just ask her what she wants you to make. She is probably not used to this type of home cooked food (my nephew is a picky eater and would have the same patterns as her)

I really wouldn't start even hinting at eating disorder, could be very dangerous and really needs to be dealt with by a professional IMO. If you feel you must talk to the Mum, do it discreetly and don't make a big issue of it.

[Green Aura]

It is complicated - but may not be as drastic as you envisage.

Teenage girl (big) with slim boyfriend may well want to lose weight. She may not go about it in a sensible way - they often don't, but it doesn't necessarily mean she has an eating disorder.

It may also just be that she doesn't want to appear greedy in front of your son. Or she may well not like your cooking if she's used to junk food!

Do you know her mother - maybe you could just have a general conversation about teenagers and dieting without specifics of her girl.

Unless she's starts to dramatically lose weight, or look ill I'd observe but try not to worry too much.

[snapdragon]

I reckon she recognised the bread and the bangers and mash but didn't know what Chili was, nor pasta which didn't come out of a tin or packet. She'll most likely eat what she knows she likes but doesn't want to put something in her mouth which she may go 'uck' and then be embarrased.
May be good if she arrived early and helped you cook, then she could test the food as it goes along and see how proper cooking is done? No disrespect to her mother - but many mums still feed their teenagers only the sort of foods they liked as small children and forget to add new and different foods forgetting that their tastes can change.

[StripyPixieSocks]

Can I just say... I'm a big girl too and I hate eating in public or with anyone really except at home.

She may have been bullied about her weight so much she will not eat where anyone she doesn't feel totally 'at home' with can see for fear of being judged on what or how much she eats. I know you probably wouldn't do that but in her mind... everyone does.

I am only just overcoming that exact thing right now after years and years of refusing point blank to eating anywhere else but at home.

Just a thought...

I would also not say anything to anyone about her not eating... it might make her feel worse. I know people are trying to help when they have 'chats' with you or other people in your family but it can make you feel extremely upset and if she is depression inclined can send you very, very low indeed.

If she's not losing lots of weight just leave her be!

[Ellendra]

Ask your son if she has food allergies or a touchy stomach, it could be as simple as that. Otherwise, I'd leave her alone about it. Have a variety of things available, without making a fuss about it, but unless there are other warning signs just let her decide how much she wants to eat.

Personally, I have both food allergies AND a touchy stomach, and its more embarrassing when people make a fuss.

[Rosendula]

You all make good points. I haven't mentioned anything to anyone so far, I thought I'd wait to see what happens this time. As she ate the bangers and mash the first time she came here, that's what I did again today, and she ate it all. DD1 decided to eat at her boyfriend's house, so we weren't quite so overcrowded as I thought we would be, and I encouraged my son and his GF to eat at the table while Richard and I ate in the living room to make her as comfortable as possible whilst avoiding anything she might find embarassing. It took her an age, but as I said she ate it. I guess it must just be my cooking she doesn't like then . But don't worry, I'm not taking it to heart. Like many of you have suggested, a lot of teenagers don't know 'proper' food and don't like to eat what they don't recognize. One of my daughter's friends has said I'm a "real good cook", and her BF eats here more than he does at home.

Sorry if I came across as worrying prematurely, but my daughter recently went through a stage of wanting to lose weight when she really didn't need to. We spotted it quickly (the bathrooms scales are in the kitchen!), but thankfully it didn't go very far as she met her boyfriend who likes to eat and doesn't appear attracted to thin people. I guess when you have teenagers you're just always on the lookout for signs of anything.

[invisiblepiper]

Just a wee thought - depending on her age - speaking to her Mum would be a real insult - unless she is under 16 or her Mum is a close friend of yours.
Thats from my !7 year old picky daughter!
Also - if there's a problem - her Mum wll know.

[JulieSherris]

Rosie, I think we all keep a look out for this sort of thing when the kids get to a certain age.....

But then again, it could be just a matter of her not being used to real food as others have said.

My hubby wouldn't eat anything 'white' Go figure.
So when his mum visited us the first time, she told me oh, andrew won't eat cauliflower - fried eggs - oh, lots of things - but apart from mayonnaise & maybe the odd carbonara dish he eats just about everything now!
And bear in mind that he was nearly 40 when we met

[Annpan]

My nephews like there Mum's cooking but not mine, my neice from the same family eats anything put infront of her (but admits that it's not like Mum's cooking) I am a pretty good cook, and my sister isn't really, but it's just what they are used to.

My other nephew has to bring his own bread when he visits Not an allergy, but he MUST have warburtons wholemeal whatever and won't eat ANY other bread he says he is allergic to butter, margerine and cheese "well not allergic, but you know how you are allergic to garlic because you don't like the taste" He says - No I am allergic to garlic because it brings me out in a rash and makes me ill for 2 days.


Kids, huh.

[the.fee.fairy]

If she's anything like me (big girl...) when she;s in a new relationship, she might pick-eat. I lost an inch when i started seeing J...i have trouble eating in front of people that i don't know, because like SPS, i was bullied at school by people who told me that i wouldn't be so fat if i didn;t eat lunch...

Its really hard to get those taunts out of your head. The first time that J and i went out to eat, i was absolutely starving, but i only ate a really small amount. He inhales whatever's on the plate! Now, its different, but at first, it was really difficult. I'd do anything to avoid eating around him or his housemates in case any of them thought the way the bullies at school did (they don;t, by the way...last time i saw them, his housemate commented that i wasn't consuming enough...it was something to do with 4 doughnuts earlier in the day).

So, give her time and as she gets to know you and settles in, she might feel more comfortable. She might have things or textures that she doesn't like, but feels embarrassed to say so because she feels that you've gone to a lot of effort. Maybe include her in the cooking process, so she can see that its really not as hard to produce the meals as she;s thinking. For someone who's grown up eating pasta from a packet, she might think that its really hard work making your own.

Next time, ask her if there's anything that she doesn't like, or can't eat and she might say something like 'beans' which are in a lot of meals in some form or another, and she's been avoiding eating them but trying not to make a fuss out of it.

[Thomzo]

You did the right thing by not interfering or mentioning it. Have you considered that she might just not have been hungry? If she'd had a big lunch or a snack before she came out, it may have been that she simply couldn't have eaten any more.

Don't take it personally, it'll drive a wedge between you. Don't worry about it any more, it's not your fault. Just serve up your normal meal and let her help herself to the amount she wants to eat. When she gets to know you and is comfortable with you then she might explain why she isn't eating as much as you would expect her to.

My IBS means that I can't eat a big meal without regretting it later so I tend to eat little and often. This means that if I go out, I often can't eat the whole meal put in front of me. I really don't like to talk about it with people I don't know very well though.

Zoe

[Mrs Wombat]

My Eldest daughters boyfriend only eats meat and potatoes. Try to get any other vegetable into him and you have a real fight on your hands. I just serve what he will eat. I'm pretty straight forward. So I would probably just start a fun conversation about food and ask her outright what her favourites were. I ususally say gee I love ....... and then say whats your favourite. With Keiran when he was coming for dinner the first time. I said to him that I like to keep my guests happy so what did he normally eat so I didn't starve him to death and he just laughed and told me. O.K. cool I'll make sure there's plenty of. Just be open and make her feel at ease that she can tell you anything and you won't be mad or upset. Its very daunting going to the boyfriends place, cos your never sure what is and is not acceptable.

[Graye]

Perhaps they eat a very restricted or plain diet at home and chili, pasta and so on is too exotic for her tastes? If she's a "big" girl I don't suppose she will come to much harm so you did the right thing in not mentioning it. She probably already feels a bit self-conscious eating in front a strange (I mean that in the best possible way!) family.

We recently had a friend's daughter and her boyfriend come to stay for the night in France. My friend had insisted they should get their own meal before they arrived but of course they hadn't eaten and I had made a big pot of veggie chili for dinner. I could also offer various other veggie options plus salmon fillets or breaded fish. I thought that would cover all eventualities and Bridie was very grateful for her chili. Adam was a different kettle of fish altogether. Nothing veggie, no fish, no meat unless it was chicken. I wracked my brains and he eventually sat down to a plate of scrambled eggs on toast! No wine, he only drinks Absolut Vodka or water, no beer or juice, tea or coffee. Did I have any Absolut? Of course not, our vodka comes from Lidl's and sits in the drinks cupboard for months before we feel like drinking some. So he had water. I felt like the worst hostess on the planet!

He cheerfuly admitted he was a total nightmare to feed and blamed his parents. For breakfast he scraped the remains from a Marmite pot onto toast (anyone living overseas knows how precious your Marmite is so I was a bit peeved but I could hardly give him more scrambled eggs and he had already spotted the Marmite jar when I opened the cupoard).

I suppose we should be really happy if we have managed to raise reasonably unfussy eaters ourselves. The only thing my son wouldn't stomach as a youngster was mushrooms and I hadn't realised until that visit what a problem you might be presenting to future in laws etc by encouraging or passing on food fads.

You will have to let us know if you eventually manage to get her to be a bit more adventurous.