How can I be?

[MidnightFarm]

I suffered the curse of perfectionism too. Nothing was good enough, nothing was ever finished. I was never happy with anything, there was always something I could have done to make it better. I always put myself down, no confidence in my abilities. I addressed my problems head on with lots of therapy, and I'm not shy or embarrassed to admit it. I now like to use my experiences to help others in need. I have literally been there and done that..

surely you must have been happy in the past? or at least happier than you are now, otherwise you would not have noticed. Maybe look into the negative side of your issue, What do you feel is preventing you from feeling happy? is it environmental: stressful situations at work, bad neighbours, other outside influencing factors. Or is it presonal: grievance, anniversary of a grievance, relationships, etc. Or is it just yourself? From what you have said so far, it sounds like you are self punishing (failure and guilt). reccognising and admitting this may be a starting point for you to work on?

I disagree with your comment that "if nothing makes you happy, then contentment can't follow", I'd say "If nothing makes you happy, then all you have is contentment"?

There may be a helpful exercise or 2 that you could try, if you were serious about understanding yourself more?

[boboff]

It's no problem to admit it, and I am deadly serious about getting to understand myself. This is only the 2nd week of counselling proper for me.
My thoughts are very much that I can use self help self esteem books, but it's all to do's, lists, missions, purpose, striving, which helps in the short term but does not address the issue, indeed they are as much a crutch as the high expectations and the alcohol!

Anyway, thats me, I really was just wondering what "normal" people do, and the advice of being a bit more forgiving of myself I take on board, it's time to take a chill. Not drinking for the last couple of weeks I have all this energy which is weird, and it needs channelling, or not, who knows, but the wifes happy the house has never been so clean. :-)

[Jessiebean]

I am beginning to wonder if there is anyone these days who isn't touched by depression/anxiety/mental health issues and therefore can anyone tell Boboff what "normal" people do? Not me that's for sure! I know I have trouble "being" and trying to get my dear husband to stop doing things constantly BEFORE he burns out is difficult. we tend to get into a cycle of doing more and more and more and then "melting down" and resetting and a few days of contentment. I don't know what the answer is but I do know that you are far better off searching for it and seeing if you can know yourself and be peaceful (which in turn has positive benefits for those around you) than you are blindly soldering on and drinking too much...so good on you Boboff!

[MidnightFarm]

I discovered that a lot of the self help books are written by therapists, psychiatrists and other people who have studied the subject, but not actually been there and truly understand what it is like to live with depression or mental health problems. Some of the books get close to the bones of it, whereas others just think you can snap out of it. Technically this can be seen as true, as it is psycological. It can be as simple as reprogramming your thought processes to more positive ones, but we both know that is so very far away from the truth. My therapy took me down a long path of discovery and professional help to get over the worst of it. I went in looking for answers, but then realised I didn't know the questions. A bit more self discovery and a little probing into difficult issues eventually turned me into a much better person, someone confident, outgoing, not "self medicating", someone who I am proud to be.

I also learnt that there is no such thing as 'normal', everyone has there one anxieties. Even the extrovert among us still worry about everyday things, do people like me/my clothes/car etc. The main thing is that people handle it differently, based on their own past experiences and influences. So if you think about it, you are more normal than you perceive yourself to be!

[baldybloke]

My mantra is to 'Change the things you can and accept the things you can't' and not to beat yourself up about stuff. I usually make a list of things that need doing, then enjoy putting a line through the stuff I've done. But always try and be realistic of what is acheivable. Also make sure that you reward yourself by cooking a nice meal or curling up on the sofa with a good book.

[southeast-isher]

...drink yerba mate tea and you will be happy :-)

[Susie]

Good thoughts Midnight, BUT... what if nothing really makes you that happy? Then Contentment can't follow? Part of the issue is having high expectations of ones self and then not being able to achieve them and feeling failure and guilt.

Well, don't aim for being happy at the moment - don't have that as a goal. I never think it works if you go out aiming to be contented anyway. Also, if you are self-medicating with anything, one of the reasons is probably to avoid feeling anything negative - so part of the process is being ok with negative feelings, sorry to sound like a self-help book. (I don't drink but I could write you the book on psychological avoidance ;-) ). I am a perfectionist too, and it is definitely a dynamic that sets you up for failure/ burnout/ stasis, so it is worth thinking about why you do that (it took me a long time to realise why I did it, I won't bore you, but it did help me in changing my actions).

I once read this and I found it interesting and look look, it is only 1p on amazon. However I say this with the disclaimer that it is dated and also totally unspeakable from a feminist perspective, however I did find it interesting in terms of understanding the covert psychological payback people get from certain patterns of behaviour.

[grahamhobbs]

Sorry I don't go for all this navel gazing stuff, it seems to end up being rather circular. I believe happiness is understanding necessity. If you understand and appreciate why you need to do something, then you can be content. If you are thinking why am I having to do this, you will never be happy.
Most of the jobs on the allotment if you think about it are boring, repetitious labour, but we all love it, because we understand that it needs to be done.
I get fed up when I don't want to be in a certain situation and there are so many situations in life these days you can't control or find them meaningless and unfair. In these situations it is important to understand it and fight to change it where you can, you may not win or change it but you will have taken hold of it for yourself and understood the necessity for trying to change it.

[mrsflibble]

I have suffered for years with severe depression, though thankfully never been hospitalised (came close).
I've had numerous courses of CBT, am medicated to the eyeballs yet i still have this feeling that the disease will be with me forever.
things get on top of me easily and I retract into my shell. the house goes to pieces. my life goes to pieces. jim does what he can when he's here, but he's off earning moneyto pay for our roof, food etc... right now the place is a tip because I've had a bad week and he's been working.

I wish I could just be. not have niggling fears in my head all the time, not feel like there's a damned monster following me about, ready to pounce if something topples me again. I can be fine for weeks, bu it's a knife edge. the smallest thing can knock me off.

the thing is, I AM content with my life. I love my husband and family, I am so happily married it's insane. surely that love should be enough to cancel everything else out?

[boboff]

Well an update of sorts.

I did read the Games people play which was great, also a book about Wind in the Willows, which further expanded on the whole "ego" thing, and at the moment I am on my second read of The Mythology of Self Worth, Richard l Franklin, which is a REBT book. Now this I like. It does fit in with all the other ideas, but it's focus is rational and scientific, which I like.

Now I am not sure what good it will do long term, BUT it has made me challenge much of my "self talk" and left me completely empty headed as I think 99.9% of my thoughts were screwy in some way. Where we go next I am not sure, but it's definately a great start, and a great way to be. We really are our own worst critics.

[Ellendra]

My question is does anyone have an answer to how you can train yourself to be happy just "being" Just being, yourself, alone, happy, with family, with life.

Ummm, I learned it by being stuck in a wheelchair, with my back locked up and my brain disintegrating, for almost 3 years. I wouldn't suggest trying to go the same route deliberately, but when you're in the middle of a stretch where life is smacking you in the face, there comes a point where you realize that how happy you are has nothing to do with what's happening to you. It's a choice you make. Sort of "I can either laugh or scream, and screaming hurts my throat, so I choose to laugh."

[boboff]

Indeed.

Now this is hard, I want to ask how you are, but don't want to appear insensitive! Daft I suppose, anyway I hope you are still happy.

Your point is very well made, and enforces the thrust of that book, which is you are what you think, that if asked to define your emotions, then really they are and can only be your thoughts, things like Anger, depression, Anxiety, and all the related headaches, flushes, rages, sore throats, and palpitations are merely symptons of your emotions, or your thoughts, so you can really very nicely decide to think and therefore feel differently.

Or Not, depending.

[Stonehead]

I'm a curmudgeonly old git. I'm happy with that. Therefore being grumpy and curmudgeonly is happiness. So where's the bloody problem?

[trinder]

Hum I‘m not sure about not being hugged enough as a child sounds more like “must try harder “ was your dictum. It’s the bit that comes just after achievement called reward. The joy is finish - sit back- admire and feel "pleased with yourself"

This line from midnight farm and ask yourself "what makes ME happy?" I'm quite sure you probably already know the answer to that question, I think needs far more thought , In fact most people really really have to think to know what makes them happy . One of my friend s bought a horse because she believed how much she had always longed for one and how much she would enjoy it. But all this was her mother dream, her mother had told her stories of what a wonderful childhood. Riding bareback on the beach etc so she created a myth in her own head. People see me out walking with my dog, long walks in all weathers. They wrongly assume I like walking I actually love watching my dog her movement’s –stances- actions- intensity of hunting the air -scanning the horizon. But I would never go for a walk for the enjoyment of walking.
The same friend with the horse experience is a bit like Mrsfibble in that many people give her no support for her depression ,because she has everything money can buy. “Get a job and live in the real world” put up with the crap we have to is their take. The reality is money or no money she gets terribly depressed sitting by the lake crying for hours. Yes I can almost feel the lack of sympathy.
On a final note I am pleased that you enjoyed games people play, another, taking a different tack altogether (fiction) is called The dice man by luke reinhart and if you are pushed for time this is one http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3oIiH7B ... ure=relmfu in a whole series of stuff that I feel well worth watching. Hoping you can look out of your window and see that beautiful clear sky that weak milky sun and sing the song (in your head) ...and the worlds alright with me.xx