dealing with anger and bitterness

[Susie]

I can't be specific about this because it would be a really bad idea, so this is going to sound a bit garbled, please bear with me (I'm not being paranoid).

I am in a Situation. It is a situation not of my choosing and in which I (think I am) blameless (the road to hell was paved with good intentions). It will go on for years more. It is because of a particular person, and I can't get out of the situation or have any less involvement than I have got. I have had nothing but very minor involvement with the person, so there isn't much personal rancour (on my part). It doesn't cause me any inconvenience day-to-day (it conceivably could at some point, but probably won't). The stupid thing is, I get really angry about it. It's unjust, it's immoral, and I'm furious that I have to think about it at all, so every time I have to deal with correspondence/ the person pops up in the press somewhere (it's not anyone famous), I get reminded and go round growling at everyone for a few days.

How do you deal with feeling like this about something that's not going to end for years? I know part of my reaction is that it reminds me of a bad time in my life, so it's a bit like when you've had a stomach bug you never want to eat the thing that made you sick again. Does anyone have any tips? Only I was walking home from yoga this evening and I suddenly thought 'here am I being self-aware and doing yoga and trying not to hold grudges and blah blah blah when really XX should just PISS OFF!!!'. And that isn't going to get me anywhere ;-). Advice pls? (I know people must have had nasty situations they're stuck in themselves?).

For those of you who've read Bleak House - I'm trying not to end up as Richard :-(.

[niknik]

no suggestions I´m afraid... need same answers myself!

can only offer and

[Thomzo]

Hi
I know what you mean. There are certain people from my past (an ex, an former boss etc) that cause me a lot of stress even though I haven't seen or heard of them in years. Things keep reminding me of them and it brings back all the bad memories.

Firstly, I think, accept that this is normal. Don't beat yourself up about the way you feel. If someone has hurt you then you are bound to be angry and upset. Then my only suggestion is to train yourself to think of something else whenever their face pops into your mind. Focus on the positive things in your life and think "I don't care about them, cos I've got X or done Y or have achieved Z". After all, you're lucky enough to have all us friends on here and they haven't!

Zoe

[chickenchargrill]

I have someone in my life that has that effect on me. Or had. It's very rare they can get to me nowadays. Unfortunately, I can't really explain how I did it, other than thinking, 'Stuff it,' whenever something went wrong or they peed me off. Even when I caught this person stealing from me, I had a bit of a moan about it. But then just thought, stuff it, it's not something that really mattered long term.

It was just a letting go of those emotions, now there's more pity than there is hatred.

Like Zoe said, you do just need to accept those feelings for now because I'm guessing you get angry about this person, then you get angry with yourself for feeling so angry and it all spirals.

Sending hugs xx

[Milims]

I was once given a piece of invaluable advice - so I'll pass it on - but I'll apologise now if it seems harsh, it's not intended to, but it's worth thinking about. You choose how you feel, no-one can make you do it, you do it yourself.
You say that you only have a very minor involvement with the person, you also have a very minor involvement with the milk man, the butcher, the postman etc - do they affect your lives this way? I'm guessing not, so if your invovement is minor then try and put it into perspective - see the person as someone who is as important in your life as someone who you meet and are polite to but don't share a friendship with. They may have had a major influence in the past, but the only way they are influencing you now is because you are allowing them to.
Please believe me that I speak from experience, I've been in the position of having someone eat away at my soul, but then I learned that I was worth more than that - and so are you

[red]

[baldybloke]

There is a famous quote/mantra that says 'Change the things you can and accept the things you can't' which holds me in good stead. If you can change the situation, then do so, otherwise accept it for what it is and try not to waste anymore energy on it. Negative energy will only affect you and not the person who is upsetting you. Try showing total indifference to these people will give you the moral highground and diminishes their power over you.

[misty44]

Let go of the emotions. I carried a lot of anger around with me for a few years after a damaging relationship ended. I accepted the feelings, accepted my own culpability in creating the mess that the relationship was, forgave myself for the mistake I made in getting into the relationship in the first place and the bigger mistake I made by staying in it for as long as I did, decided to stop wasting my precious life being angry about something that was in my past...then moved on.
Hope you are able to put these feelings behind you. I promise life will feel much better if you are able to xx

[Big Al]

Susie,
good thoughts are on their way to you. This is a long post so I hope the mods are cool with it. If not please pull it asap and I'll re write it with guidance.

We all find ourselves in situations that we can feel good about and also bad about. It could be, for instance we buy a paper for an elderly neighbour while we get ours and feel good or we drop some litter and feel bad about it.

We can feel good about ourselves, our friends and our actions and we can also feel bad about ourselves, our enemies and our actions.

All of these are things we can control in total from now onwards. Obviously there are specifics in your case which is right that you don't openly discuss on a forum but you need to take control of YOUR THOUGHTS and work on them.

A hypothetical situation for example,

You have 2 elderly neighbours and have lived beside them for over 15 years. you have seen them get older and have helped them along. They intern help you with things that are important to you such as dog sitting, advice on veg growing etc even giving you food in times of hardship. They have grown up children but only one bothers regularly even though they are 500 miles away.

One of the neighbours dies and you sit with the person while they die. It's moving but peacefull. From then on the remaining elderly person over 3 years goes downhill rapidly but still the children don't bother so you become a carer, a confidant, a helper, gardener, shopper and medic etc. You know all their medical needs and hospital apts and acts as a loudhaler in consultations because the neighbour won't wear hearing aids. All of this is to help the neighbour out of the goodness of your heart and no money or gifts change hands. Each time the neighbour falls ill the daughter ( lives 3 miles away) swings round demands to know what's going on, takes some of the parents savings ( as a loan) then flits back off never to be seen again until the next time. The elderly person lets it be known to the daughter that when he passes on you are a beneficiary in the will and the daughter is cut out.

The venom aimed at you is intollerable every time your paths cross.rumours are spread, other neighbours think you area gold digger, It hurts and upsets you, it stresses you out, troubles you, anoys you and affects your health.

This is hypothetical but one senario I think could easily take place the world over.

If you let the venom poison you it will. If you choose not to let it then it won't. This sounds simple but it is simple in it's simplest form. You yourself have the good feelings and the bad feelings. when you dwell on bad feeling how does it affect you ? For instance you are at a crossroads ( down at the crossroads by ry cooder) and you take one path and it is terrible so you reverse your tracks and choose another road but this is worse still. The third road is worse than the second and the fourth worse than the third.

You yourself persieve these roads to be worse that the previous even though they are the same roads and you get depressed and hold onto mental anguish and hurt yourself. But what if you had good thoughts and the roads got better and better on each one you chose. Would YOU choose the bad ones or the good ones ? I bet it would be the good ones again and again because it is good feelings and good thoughts.

When you have to deal with this person / event / corrospondance etc then think of the positive things you associate with this in the past. If you find you are thinking bad thoughts then drag your mind back to the good thoughts. You do yoga and during this time I bet you do not think of the bad thoughts but you can and do when outside walking home.
When these bad thoughts come to mind chase them away and remeber what it was like in your yoga class. Take time out for yourself each day and even many times aday. Meditation is not for everyone ( i actually think it is but can't say that ) but I can meditate now for the 70 seconds it takes to go from a red traffic light to green or the 90 seconds for train barriers to lift. I can meditate to other levels of conciousness but equally IF I LET IT I can become a manic depressive that takes years to get out of. I CHOOSE NOT TO ALLOW BAD THOUGHTS.

Breathing exercises are good. Inhale to a count of four then hold your breath for a count of 4 then exhale, completly emptying your lungs to a count of 8.

This increases the Co2 in your bloodstream and has a calming effect. Do it 10 times every time you have any bad thoughts, when a driver cuts you up, when you hear a stressed mother screaming at 4 kids all under 5, at the government policies.... (ok you don't have enough time for this one but you get the drift.)

If you can control your mind then all things can be possible and have a good outcome.

I hope this is of help to people.

Big Al

[Mother]

Very well written.
Yes bad thoughts can take over your life, if you let them

[Annpan]

Lordy, we all need a great big hug here





BigAl - no problems with your post by the way.

[Susie]

I wanted to say thank you everyone . I have been reading your replies and you've all really, really helped. I was reading and thinking, yes well I can't let go because at some point in the next 10 years it will come to a head and I'll have to deal with this person but actually you are all right. I can let go of all the emotion and anger, because if that was gone, TBH the rest of it would hardly exist (and might never happen). So thank you.

I think part of my problem is I can't talk to people IRL about it because people get furious on my behalf and then I have to deal with them being furious as well, so I just stopped telling people about the wider bad situation and now they keep being amazed at how bizarre it all is. I'm lucky to have people who care about me but sometimes they care a bit energetically and it wears me down so I cut myself off and brood (I do try not to, I know it isn't good. It just hits me very occasionally).

Milims - that doesn't sound harsh at all - you are absolutely right, and thank you for saying it. Big Al - such helpful suggestions, thank you, and I agree with you about meditation although I find it very difficult - I will have another go. This is indeed one of the reasons I started yoga, 2 hours a week where I don't have any thoughts, marvellous .

Thanks to everyone for hugs and support. to you all too. I'm off out into the sunshine to think new happy things. Onwards and upwards!

[Big Al]

Thanks to everyone for hugs and support. to you all too. I'm off out into the sunshine to think new happy things. Onwards and upwards!

That was 8.53 this morning... did you get the happy thoughts and things??

[boboff]

And Al, how much did you get off of the Old Guy?

Susie, my only advice would be to sit down and write this person a letter, explaining how you feel and why, try and write down any empathetic statements to try and see the situation from the other persons point of view, as well as being completely clear as to what it is that is making you angry, what the effects of the anger are, and what you are going to do as a person to stop that bitterness from effecting you in future. Explain this to the person, that what you are doing will mean that they have no control over you and your emotions, summarise with another attempt at empathy for what this person has done.

Print it out and read it. Save it on your PC, put it somewhere safe. When the person surfaces again, go read the letter, you should get back to calm quicker this time, repeat this every time it happens until you feel the Anger not even appearing in the first place.

To me this helps in re-inforcing your obvious understanding of the futility of Anger, and quickly puts into rational thought, rational thoughts.

[Susie]

did you get the happy thoughts and things??

Yes thank you, feeling much better now. We went away for Friday evening which took my mind off things, then got back to another letter O_O. We have to have a big bonfire next week to get rid of some garden rubbish, I am wondering what I could use to start the fire. Hmm, A4 printed paper might be an excellent firelighter ;-).

Boboff, that is a very good idea, I might try that, thank you. I actually do have quite a bit of sympathy for this person - it's kind of a sad situation. I'd just rather have sympathy at a bit more of a distance!