Redundant.

[spider8]

Hi folks. I know this has been covered in other topics but I really need to 'let-rip' somehow...........
My wonderful hubby has been made redundant. No warning, no gossip about possible lay-offs - nothing - out of the blue. I know the subject of how to survive financially has been talked about in the 'Survive?' thread but how do you cope with the mental side of things? He is, obviously, devastated and as he was told over the phone just two hours before starting a weeks holiday, it hadn't sunk in. His uncle arrived for his weeks holiday with us just two hours after Dave was told this news so although we told his uncle what had happened (couldn't keep all that bad news in for a week) it kinda kept Dave's mind off it all. But now uncle has now gone home and I'm worried for Dave, he's talking about anything but this problem and I'm walking on egg shells.

[RuthG]

Not knowing you or your OH, I suggest you might have to take the bull by the horns and just talk about it as though it is natural and as though not having a job is also natural. Then make sure there are daily plans for what to do and get him working at whatever needs doing. He will probably be feeling useless and unwanted, so he needs to be made to feel he is a necessary part of the grand scheme of things, but that he needs to use his talents in a different direction.

Then of course, if he is planning on applying for new posts, he will also have to get used to the rejections he will undoubtedly receive.

[Lilyfae]

Omg

So sorry to hear that and I agree that it's less about 'surviving' and more about emotional state as men do tend to find self-worth in their role, my dad was horribly depressed after being made redundant at 49, 9 months before I got married, though he did eventually not only find another job but the time it took meant he found his calling in the police (strangely mum made him stop his application to the police in the 70s so I guess destiny gets us in the end)

I would agree that you need to get him doing stuff everyday in a routine, whether it's a household project, gardening or even voluntary work anywhere he can (lots of websites around for really interesting stuff not just charity shops) we like to think of ourselves as spontaneous creatures but psychologically many people crave the stability of a routine after a few days of freedom and by having a specific routine- get up at a set time etc, and responsibility Is key also as it is a dent to self esteem to not be responsible for a task/machine/route/section/department and by being responsible for certain tasks will help bolster self worth
I was unemployed for a few months between a hated job and my teacher-training and I became a cleaning fiend round home doing all the jobs everyone was too busy to do regularly and I felt I was doing something helpful & worthwhile.

I would also say get him to a careers advisor if possible, sometimes redundancy gives us the courage to make changes in our career we would never otherwise have taken- see if there are opportunities to retrain whilst working etc (I know they do that in my borough) if not email work contacts in other institutions to see if they know gossip about maternity/retirement etc - even if there isn't it gets the name out there to pop into their heads when someone says 'we really could use a good ...'

Also make an agreement to intervene if problems arise as he may not appreciate it at the time but he may need pushing to get into a new routine as it seems like 'giving in'

All this may be too much straight away but it's something to work towards to get trough the shock

My thoughts are with you

[greenishfingers]

What an awful situation to find yourselves in. As it was so unexpected I think you should give your OH time to get over the shock of it all,then try to judge when's a good tme to broach the subject. Sorry if this is no help whatsoever,but my thoughts are with you x

[Green Aura]

Sorry to hear that, C. Can't really add anything I'm afraid just to you both.

[JulieSherris]

Oh my.
Spider look. It's been a shock - and yes, it's always worse when it comes right out of the blue as well - sorta like someone pulling the rug from under your feet, huh?

I sort of agree with what others have said - yes, a routine is good - although I don't go out to work & have no routine whatsoever - I do what I want, when I want & if others don't like it, then tough!
Yes, self-worth is always important, especially for a guy, but the most important thing apart from all those points is this.....

What work does hubby do? Is there scope for him finding more work where you are? Are you going to be able to stay where you are? If you can't find him alternative work, can you afford to live there? I'd say that these are the points you need to be talking about - once the dust has settled & it's all started to sink in. Is there any redundancy pay for you to be getting on with? Certainly the sheer geography of where you are in the world has a very different bearing on things.

See, when we first looked at moving from Blackpool, we looked at Scotland - and Lybster it was to be... I fell in love with the place & a lovely little house there.... but there was only one employer in the region that Andy could have worked for & so it was a non-starter. Good job we never went there, because Diaggeo has since restructured - could have been interesting!

Anyhow - have a hug from me as well - - and take time to lick your wounds (both of you) and adjust your minds to new challenges. xx xx xx xx

[spider8]

Thanks for the thoughts and best wishes, it really does help. Dave has 3 months to work for the bas*ards yet, will get time off for interviews and six weeks redundancy pay. We lived near Blackpool Julie, Freckleton near Warton. The firm Dave worked for knew from the day they hired him that we were bound for Orkney and they said working from home wouldn't be a problem and it worked out just fine. There has to be a major c*ck-up to make them shed so many jobs like this and he's not alone, many other workers are out too. We might be lucky in that he might get another job here with one of the renewable energy firms or any job that gives us enough to get by on as we don't want much, just a cottage with a garden. The cottage we live in belongs to a friend who lets us rent it for a low rent as it is........and having the proceeds from the sale of our house in the bank will make things interesting but that will be needed to buy somewhere if he can get a job. I can't work as I'm partially sighted and have other medical problems so I feel like I'm just a burden to him. I guess if we can't find a job here then we will have to go wherever we can find a job but at 49 it doesn't look good. Friends have been great and will keep their ears and eyes open for anything but I guess I'm scared of him losing his selfconfidence.

[MuddyWitch]

Just wanted to send as I can't add anything usefull, sorry.

MW

[Thomzo]

Spider8, you need to stop thinking that you are a burden to him. You are his rock, his support, his loyal friend and he needs you to be strong and positive right now. Think of all the things you do that make his life easier, even if it's just a kind face to come home to, a dry shoulder to cry on or a warm hug when he's feeling down. It's equally important that he knows how valuable he is to you. He may have lost the job he does to earn money, but he's still got his most important job, caring for you.

Good luck to you both.

Zoe

[red]

not much to offer - though I shy away at the idea of giving him jobs to do etc... i think he needs time to process it, and you have to weather this storm with him, and come out the otherside.

[chickenchargrill]

I was in a similar situation last year, OH didn't get work for quite a while. I couldn't get work as was pregnant.

I'd lay off giving him jobs to do, you're sorted for a couple of months so give him chance to come to terms with it.

It is best not to tiptoe but don't keep bringing it up. Just ask whether he wants to use this as an opportunity to try something new. It's scary, very scary, but because it's happened to us we can find the good things in it. We hit rock bottom last year but we've been there, done that and survived. Which meant when OH did get a job (which he thought was okay but was min wage and part-time in retail) and another risky opportunity came up I urged him to do it. He's now working full-time, in a job he loves, but only on a temporary contract. In September he could well be out of work again. But so what if he is?

The time out of work did hit his self-confidence somewhat, and at the time he was focussed on getting a job with his newly acquired teaching qualification. Once he started to think outside of that and just started to apply for everything - he got 3 interviews in a week. Got offered 2 and the third, which is the job he's now doing, turned him down but kept him on file.

Talk about it rationally, try to keep emotions out of it at this time. Remember, whilst you can't work there are still things you could be doing to help plan for the worst, see what he wants you to do. Check with him first - I can't see him appreciating coming home to a list of job adverts you've picked for him before you've talked to him about it. You're still going to feel useless, I'm afraid, at least some times. Just let him know you're there to help.

Try and have some couple time too, a nice dinner or something, a relaxed evening. That always makes it easier just to have a chat about things.

[Millymollymandy]

Sorry Spider I can only offer a hug too and hope things will look up soon.

[spider8]

I know what Dave's like if I try and push things on him to do, he does them when he's ready and quite rightly so. I don't want to bombard him with 'we need to do this, do that' as i know getting his head around this happening is paramount but I fear for his feeling of self-worth and as his father had a breakdown when he was made redundant 25 years ago and I saw what it did to my father too well, it's scary. Ooooh I love him so much, he's such a careing man and I'd hate to see this break him. BUT....... if he'll talk and let me in I think we should be okay. Thanks again and I'll let you know how things go - or otherwise!

[kit-e-kate]

Hi! I just wanted to add my thoughts to all the other positives! My mum gave up work (as a teacher) to have my older brother (this way waaay back in the seventies) and shortly after i came along my dad moved us all to the Hebrides on a bit of a whim! My mum was a stay at home mum til i was about ten and my dad didn't have a full time job til about the same time! Even then he was only in that job for about three years! Ok, there wasn't a lot of spare money for holidays and things but they managed and we were all happy, with plenty of time to do fun family things (picnics, gardening, walking etc etc). And when times were very lean there would always be money to be make picking whelks!

Work crops up a day or two at a time, money can be gathered pound-by-pound, and you can make the most of what you have. You just don't really get job stability nowadays! Look at it this way- he's a freelancer now! As (by the way) are both my husband and i, and it works out really well for us!
Chin up! As my mum would say "what's for you will no go by you"!

[Mrs H]

Hey spider8! Huge hugs from us. He needs time to lick his wounds, u both do. In time he will talk, its a fine line but, u need to give him the space that he needs right now while also watching that he doesn't get ostrich syndrome (hidin his head in the sand!!) Its all very fresh at the minute.
U must never consider urself a burden, he loves u very much and u gotta remember that!!
As I sayed in my pm shout if u need anything even if its just to sound off!! Or if he wants to talk to my hubbie let me know and ill send u r number.
Big hugs to u both, we really r thinking of u both. Xxxxx