Puts it all in perspective

[yvette]

I have just heard that a good friend, who is almost exactly the same age as me, has lost her husband - he died suddenly . They had been a couple since they were both 15, so had spent more than 30 years together and had children and grandchildren with whom they were both very involved.
We all know we've got to go sometime, but when something like this happens, it reminds me that it could be any day, and I may not have 30 more years in which to faff about and think about finally getting round to doing some of the things I want to do. Here's to making every day count, and to remembering that loved ones are precious and far more important than possessions.
What can I do to help her? People who are bereaved all need different things, I know, but if anyone can share anything about what helped them, I would be so grateful.

[Big Al]

If your friends hubby was religeous then it could be comforting to her to know that he is at last with his maker who he has worshiped all his life and finally getting to meet.

Maybe a telephone number on a piece of paper pressed into her hands as you leave with the words thinking of you or call me when you want to.

maybe a little time alone with her that will help her appreciate that bodilly he may be gone but he is there in the little things she will do alone from now on.

The good things in life are rarely free from pain but good friends are worth a lot.

[little blue duck]

how very sad.. and a shock.
but yes, as you say, its one way to encourage us all to live life to the full.

good wishes to your friend at her difficult times

[Nomada]

What can I do to help her?

Don't be afraid to just ask if there is anything at all you can do to help her, just be there for her.

This is the reason why I always tell my parents I love them when we talk. You just never know

I hope she'll be ok X

[oldjerry]

The best thing you can do is listen.........even if it's just listening to silence.

You sound like a good friend.

[citizentwiglet]

Yes, you sound like a lovely friend.

A friend of mine lost her husband recently - he was only 35, he just dropped dead playing football one day, bolt from the blue sort of thing. Awful. None of us knew what to do - all you CAN do is be there for her, when she needs you. Not too in her face (sure you wouldn't be), but so she knows she can count on you if she needs help. Are there practical things, such as driving to the shops, that she couldn't do without him? Maybe just popping in asking if she needs anything from the shops - might help her out, plus give her a chance to talk if she wants to without it being 'I've called in to pay my sympathies' kind of thing. Do you go to anything like a horticultural society / WI / whatever that you could invite her along to? Could you invite her over for a 'Junk food and DVD night' sort of thing? Ask her if she wants to learn a skill you have, knitting or whatnot?

I remember my friend saying that the worst thing was the loneliness - she felt awkward phoning people with her grief; and after the funeral the visits died out as people just didn't know how to deal with it, after the 'last respects' part. They thought she needed time, and space, when what she wanted was companionship and a chance to talk about him in a 'normal' setting. Be that person, the one who is HER friend first and foremost, and watch for her lead. She'll show you what she needs.

Sending you, and her, massive hugs xxxxx

[old tree man]

I am sorry , i do agree with the advice that if you are just there for your friend and listen when needed thats the best help your friend is fortunate to have such a wonderful friend as you

[Keaniebean]

One of the things that most upset my mum, when my dad died at 48 was people who used to know my mum very well would cross the road. I suppose it was because they didn't know what to say to her, but to this day 11 years later it still makes her angry.

A good friend would be one who is willing just to talk to her, to listen to her and just be yourself around her. I don't mean act like nothing has happened but just take things slowly. Some days will be good others will be bad, but as long as you are not running at 50MPH in the other direction then I'm sure you will be apreciated.

[bonniethomas06]

I am in a similar position in that my lovely cousin (age 28) whose wedding I went to last July, has just found out that her new husband has been diagnosed with terminal cancer and has only a couple of years to live. It is totally heartbraking. The thing is I just don't know what to say to her - I am terrified of saying anything which will make the situation worse. Also, I don't want to put my foot in it and say something which would cause either of them pain - such as talking about the future or something as simple as starting an email with 'Hope you are both well', as I did the other day.

All the more awkward because we don't see them very often, and I don't want her to think we are making the effort just because now we know he is dying - when I had thought to myself I should see more of my family this year anyway.

So I know what you mean...very difficult stuff but also a reminder that most of our daily troubles are nothing in the grand scheme of things!

[Thomzo]

That is really sad but she's lucky to have a good friend in you. Don't forget that as well as being bereaved she's also suddenly single. I know that sounds obvious but there are a lot of practical things that take more than twice as much effort when you're single.

If her children aren't around to help then maybe you could offer to help her in the garden, moving heavy furniture or taking stuff to the tip etc etc. You can always ask her to help you with something so that she doesn't feel like a charity case.

I'm sure you'll do the right thing.

Zoe

[oldjerry]

I'm sure ,for what it's worth,that you can worry too much about 'saying the wrong thing'.Often,the fear of this, is the reason people avoid the bereaved person.But common sense,and I'm afraid personal experience, should point out that ANYTHING you say cant make them feel any worse,only you.People behaving normally around you(bitching about stuff,etc.etc.) helps you realise that lifes gonna go on anyway,however you feel.