Is it just me????

[happyhippy]

Hi all,
I'm english but left the UK in 1970 to live in Australia.I spent 30 years there until I returned "home"back to the UK 10 years ago.When I lived in Australia I was living in a small town,pop around 1000.and within a couple of days moving into the town,found some fantastic friends who I am still friends with.So when I moved over here I guess I was expecting to make some new friends.So far this has'nt happened.Ok we moved around quite alot due to the nature of my husbands job,but we have lived in the same area for the last 4 years and I havent found one friend yet!!!! I'm becoming quite lonely,and yes I have joined some groups(mainly climate friendly and a local buddhists group)and I was hoping this would help me,but everyone seems to keep to themselves.Even when we've gone to festivals,surrounded by like minded people,nope no one wants to talk to you!I am a naturally friendly person,quite warm by nature and kind so I don't understand why this happens.Are the british THAT reserved?When I lived in Australia,it was no big deal for someone to knock my door and invite themselves in for a cuppa,or someone would ring me and invite me to their place,no one seems to do that here!I live in a small village now,and everyone seems to keep to themselves.Yes we go to the local vilage pub,support the village shows ect,and yes people will talk to us but we never see them again.So have I missed part of my childhood that says "We're british and we keep to ourselves"?I don't get it??????I had planned to attend our local self suff meet ups but unfortunately I am always working when they are on!

[Green Aura]

Sorry to hear you're having a tough time of it, hh. You haven't put whereabouts you live but, without wanting to offend anyone, I'm guessing southern England? I don't think people are less friendly, just maybe a little more reserved - taking their time to get to know you. I lived in the same flat in London for about 4 years and only spoke to my downstairs neighbour twice! I didn't know anyone else on the street either.

I also think a lot of people these days commute so far that their friends tend to be where they work. Or mums at the school gate. Or old school mates. So if you're missing all those it can be difficult to mix.

I'm sure it will happen - have you thought about doing voluntary work or joining a local political party or something like that. In the past I've suggested doing evening classes but to be honest I never made any friends on any of the courses I've done - although it does fill your time.

[Flo]

In a lot of villages or smaller towns you can live there 40 years and still be an incomer. Just keep doing what you are doing and you'll be surprised when you find that you have friends even though you don't realise it.

[happyhippy]

Thanks Green Aura and Flo!I live in Wiltshire(My home county!)so you'd think being a local would help right?Today was a good example.I belong to a local buddhists group,and had borrowed some books.As there is no group on in December,I won't see anyone until it re groups in January.Today I had a day off work so thought it might be a good idea to go to the town where the group meet,and as I wanted to visit the local health food shop,would make an "excuse"to return the books to the group leaders house where we meet.So I rang the lady in question,we had a quick chat and I suggested I pop in to return the books?She said "Oh its ok don't bother"Me:Its no bother,I'm visiting the town anyway"Then she said "No really,its ok there's no need to drop them back in now,wait until January"So I do try to make friends,i just keep getting the cold shoulder!I had thought about joining the local W.I but not really sure what to expect,are they for oldies only?

[MKG]

No, HH - it ain't you. But I think maybe Australia rubbed off on you more than you know. E.g. you've told us twice that you're a Buddhist. That's fine by me, but most people here wouldn't know a Buddhist from a butterfly. It's nothing to do with where you are or the size of settlement you're in - I've lived in a few and I've always found people to be a mixed bunch. Maybe don't tell 'em you're a Buddhist? (I don't tell 'em I'm a Satanist and that seems OK ).

In the village I live now, I'm often told I'm an incomer. I tell 'em to sod off because I've been here long enough (and am now the local history geek) and they laugh. I hope they laugh. They'd better laugh!!!

My sister (OK half-sister, but we don't care) returned to the UK from Oz recently and took up residence in the place she was untimely ripped from (thank you, father). She fits in like a slippery eel - she's contacted all her old schoolfrinds, found me, and is even re-developing a south-Yorkshire accent. Took her a while, though.

So it's take it as you find it, I suppose - but don't despair. We may take a long time to do it, but we get there in the end

Mike

[Mrs H]

I'm so glad you posted this because mow I feel like its not just me! We lived in Kent for 7 yrs and Surrey for 2. I made the best friends in Kent, I saw people everyday, dropped in for coffee and they did the same. They didn't care what state the house was in they just came on in and boiled the kettle. I had my first child in Kent, had no family, it was just me Neil and Finn but we were far from alone, we had so much support and the same when we had baby 2 in Surrey. We moved 'home' (seemed like a good idea at the time!!) Left all our friends to be closer to family and we are so alone here. We havnt made any friends all our old friends have grown up and moved on and our families are still arseholes!!! We had baby 3 last year, she was born prematurely and somehow we had to muddle threw with very little support which was made harder by the phonecalls from Kent from friends saying if only you were here. We just have each other here.
Its so weird I wonder why people are so stand offish and I do wonder is it because we are different? We all now have english accents although in 2yrs. OH and I hav lost it abit!!
I would love it if u called here during the day and said u were calling in, come on in stick the kettle on, shift the washing over and stick ur feet up!! Lol That's how it works in here! If only you lived closer!! Xx

[TheGoodEarth]

I agree about the buddhist comments. Being a buddhist will be very scary to a lot of Brits and they would prefer not to know. They will think you are weird man! I experimented with Scientology many years ago and very good friends suddenly became extremely distant.

My wife has recently joined an am dram group and this has opened up many more opportunities for friendships. She is also in a book group which has spawed a few good friends.

[okra]

Hi all,
I'm english but left the UK in 1970 to live in Australia.I spent 30 years there until I returned "home"back to the UK 10 years ago.When I lived in Australia I was living in a small town,pop around 1000.and within a couple of days moving into the town,found some fantastic friends who I am still friends with.So when I moved over here I guess I was expecting to make some new friends.So far this has'nt happened

We have had friends over from Aus and they felt the same way, nobody talks in the UK, you get on a train or bus and everybody hides behind their newspapers my mate said, wheras in Aus people talk. It does seem a big city syndrome, if you get out to rural area people chat.

[oldjerry]

I think you can overdo the national stereotyping thing.Sure people in the city are less chatty (with that many strangers around you're going to be a bit reserved) but in a rural community if most people shop in the same shop,,drink in the same pub,do business locally,etc. you are always going to get to know people.And some will like you ,some wont,some will be outgoing,some shy,just people really.

[happyhippy]

Thankyou for the replies.Mrs H its a shame you don't live near me,I'd love you to pop round(yes even unvited lol)for a cuppa!I do feel for you alot actually because when you have small kids,you can feel quite lonely and isolated at times so I do hope you manage to find some nice friendly folk soon!Re the buddhists thing?I only mentioned this in my post because I figured some people might suggest I join a group,so by mentioning this I would of saved them them the time of suggesting it.I personally never mention the buddhist thing unless its brought up in convo's,and even then I'm quite sensitive to how much I discuss this.

[Susiwaa]

Doesn't sound like much fun! I agree with the suggestion about doing some voluntary work, that may help.

We're the same round here, been in this house nearly 10 years and only really speak to our next door neighbour. The only other person I was friendly with moved away 8 years ago! Never been in anyone's place for a coffee and a bleather, not has anyone been in here.

It's a bizarre thing, it may be a British thing but could just depend on the people in the community. Could even be that they're all new too or that there is alot of "churn" with people moving in and out of the area.

[Millymollymandy]

I spent 4 months in NZ and couldn't get over how friendly people were there. Then I went to Sydney and thought the complete opposite - there was (silly) me in a big city saying hello to people who looked at me like I was a leper! Coming from London beforehand I really should have known better!! but then I'd go to my mum's little village in the countryside in England for weekends from London and just about get used to remembering to say hello to every man and his dog and then having to remember upon return to London to keep my mouth shut! I do think it's generally a small village/countryside thing to be friendly and the opposite in big towns/cities no matter where, although having said that it wasn't easy here in our hamlet in France at all and we felt really isolated for the first 6 months or so here and hardly ever saw anyone and if we did they didn't seem to want to talk to us.

I don't see what your religion is having anything to do with it - if anything I would have thought being a Buddhist would be more of a conversation starter - so long as you aren't pushing your religion down anyone's throat then what difference does it make whether you're a catholic or a hindu or whatever.

I don't know what the answer is to making friends - it seems to me you are doing the right thing - and if the lady from your buddhist group doesn't want you to pop round maybe she's just not a social type . I do hope it looks up for you, in the meantime you can 'chat' to us here as most of my social life revolves around forums, at least my English speaking social life!!

[happyhippy]

Yes you'd think living in a small village,it would be somehow easier to make friends.Don't get me wrong,people do say hello to you,but thats as far as it ever goes.While I'm here,if anyone on this forum does happen to be down my way,please(no I'm not the begging type lol)if you'd like to pop in and say hello,please send me a pm and I will give you directions!(I also don't preach buddhist stuff,as I said I keep that to myself)xx

[pelmetman]

Hi HappyHippy

Sorry you're finding it difficult to find friends in your local community but I don't think you should take it personal. I don't know why but sometimes this just happens.

We have lived in different counties and have always made lots of friends. However, we have lived in our village for nearly 7 years and haven't made any real friends. We have acquaintances and get asked to the odd party but on the whole people keep themselves very much to themselves.

When we first moved here I used to invite people round but in the end gave up. I think I've mentioned on another thread that village life is not always roses round the door. There are a lot of people here who don't even say hello. We've several neighbours who have never walked round the village or made any attempt to enbrace village life. They go to work, come home and door is shut.

Our friends are scattered all over the country and are true friends and always keep in contact and are there if ever needed.

Who knows one day you'll probably just click with someone and have the friendship you long for. In the meantime we're all here for you.

Sue

[organicsi]

I would deffo join the WI they are great and have so much going on you soon will be hiding behind the curtains to get some peace! (joke) They would hate to think you were feeling lonely and have tons of good stuff at their meetings that you will find interesting. After all they were 'ish' before it was thought of!
Ayesha