needing to vent...

[crowsashes]

so its safe to say ive had it with my family. theyve been around again for that last 3years and im now at the end of my tether with them.

i have a sibling currently being seen by social services for various issues including child welfare and well its just starting to take the p***. they go out drinking abandoning the kids on who ever will have them last time it was a 3 day trip up north and i agreed to babysit not knowing in order to go on said trip (involving drink) eldest child was taken out of school!! and left with me plus the baby ( i thought i was babysitting a baby for a couple of hours whilst shopping) not 2 kids plus my own .

well im fed up, had enough, about to blow my top at them all as they each 'help' out the screwed up one offering baby sitting etc etc even going round to help decorate even when they promised to give me a hand ( it never materialized ) i was promised a baby free weekend and all i have had is excuses excuses excuses. i wouldnt mind but they all did **** all for the six weeks summer holiday ( work/studying all allows this) and not once did anyone help offer or even when asked they just made an excuse 'oh i cant cope with him ' .

it infuriates me that people i have known for 3 months have done more to keep me sane and help me out than my family have in the last 3 years! i can even recall my last night out LO was 3 months old and it wasnt even my own family offering help. im just fed up especially when im the one who has to explain to my LO that he cant stay at nannies house because cousins A,B and C all get preference before he does and now he doesnt bother asking just states 'i cant stay nannies house because wotsits there!' it really does say alot when a toddler is picking up on these things and already hes feeling left out

so thats it back to where i was 10 years ago which i find amusing as at the same time i was studying a-levels (like i am again now )

im just undecided as to weather to move house or not. i feel better the further away i am (too much of a solitary creature i guess) it would probably make my life easier after all i wouldnt have that 'hope' that they might help and instead know that they cant because im so many miles away .... oh how life sucks at times

[MKG]

Right. Forget reasoned argument. Forget sibling responsibility. Forget rants.

Just learn to say NO.

It's easy once you've done it a couple of times. And say the same thing to all the others who will phone you asking why you're not helping any more ('cos they'd rather you did it than them).

Go on - practice. N-O. Now louder - NO.

There you go.

Mike

[crowsashes]

thanks MKG but its my relatives who need to practice saying anything else but NO.

ive given up on them and have said NO to everything ( even spending xmas with them which is gonna be the same as last year )

[oldjerry]

Heavy stuff for You,but you choose your friends not your relations,I've not spoke to my brother in years,he's -probably ok just not someone who I want to spend time with,although families can be great,they can also be coercive,unpleasant and best ignored.Good luck, do whats best for you and your dependants,and sod everyone else.

[spider8]

All I can say is if you have a not-so-good family relationship then distance makes your family much easier to cope with. My brother always treated me badly and so, when we moved, we just stopped bothering with him. Out of sight and far enough away will ensure you have a life of your own and not have it blighted by family cr*p. My family/relatives were fine - when they needed something - but turn the tables and they were nowhere to be seen. We got the message and have just left them (my relatives) all behind and as they were never there (except when they wanted to use us) it hasn't been a big sacrifice, infact life is so much better now. I do wish you luck but put your peace of mind first .

[southeast-isher]

Tell me about siblings and social services! It has been a problem this end in the past too... Good luck.

[crowsashes]

@southeast-isher - i just wish they would do something! poor kids are being played with like a yo-yo and its causing no end of hassle for everyone.

i ditched everyone for 6 years before and thought hey theyve grown up things may have changed but being away for so long i can see the problems have trebled .

just feels better knowing im not the only one who has a pretty awful - selfish family.

[Jerseymum]

thought I had gotten drunk and posted the first one myself. I could completely hijack this post with my own vent but i won't, just sharing your annoyance and hoping it gets better for you soon.

[JulieSherris]

I'm going to sit in the corner & nod at the above comments - sod 'em! (the family, I mean - not the comments!)

Move away if it's a viable option & then just concentrate on yourself & YOUR loved ones - as for the family.... well, like I said!

And in the meantime,

[happyhippy]

Feel for you honey,I would agree with the other posters,just say No and stay firm,for your own sanity!!!I came from a very dyfunctional family and what I'd give to have a "normal"family!Perhaps in my next life?????Best of luck and don't let the ******** grind yah down!xx

[battybird]

A big and hope you find a way through all this!
As everyone else has said, DONT agree to do anything you dont want to. If its supposed to be only babysitting for 2 hrs and it turns out different, they cannot complain if you say NO another time. Your peace of mind and your family come first! If you can move away physically I suppose it might help but its moving away emotionally that is the problem!! This is one thing families are good at...making you feel guilty...but it sounds like you have done your best and cannot be responsible for them treating their children badly. If its any consolation, I had similar problems with my brother-in-laws family.We felt dreadful about the way the kids were dumped and treated badly. In the end they have mostly turned out ok DESPITE their parents input (or lack of), and we see them (the kids..grown up) quite a lot now. Its good you have got friends who support you so cherish them and give up on the family!!

[123sologne]

I agree with everything said. Get away as fast as you can and as far as you can. You may have some guilt at 1st, but it will pass and you will feel less stressed, therefore you will be more healthy and that is very important. Be selfish, put YOU and YOUR family 1st.

[homegrown]

tell in you just one a million pounds but because they've never done anything to help you they get nothing and then move house and change your name. it sounds as if they wouldn't be good role models for you LO anyway. we cannot choose our family but we can choose those who we allow in our childrens lives. My father hasn't been to see his grandchildren in a year and he onlynlives forty minutes away, two or three times a year he flies to australia to visit his partners daughter and grandchild or flies to hong kong or some where but never spends more than 20 dollars on a present and its usually an inappropriate book or toy. My mother lives seven minutes from us yet never visits unless we beg or she needs something, but she will drive forty minutes into christchurch every week to babysit my sisters children. so I can relate. Friends, true friends are more important, I have had one of my friends for thirty odd years and consider him more of a sibling than any of my own.
hang tough and remember you have the power to change your life anyway you want.

[Rosendula]

I live 3 miles away from my parents and have nothing to do with them - my choice. I put up with them for years, didn't tell them what I thought of them, if I couldn't hide the fact that they had upset me, I was the one who was wrong and bad I used to wake up on a Saturday morning feeling so depressed because I knew I had to see my parents on that day. And after I had seen them, I spent the rest of the day, and all day Sunday, and quite often much of the next week chuntering to myself about them under my breath. OH and the kids said they would look at me and I would have a huge scowl on my face - because I was thinking about my parents. My children learned all sorts of swear words - not from my parents, but from me as I tried to release the tension after a visit Then things got worse when they started treating my children differently, saying nasty things to my daughter, and about her, and giving my son money on the quiet and telling him not to share it and not to tell anyone (what a dilemma for him. He told us in the end). So I dumped them. I wrote them a letter telling them everything that p!ssed me off about them, and took it round. I told them to their faces I didn't want to see them anymore and why, which of course turned into a huge row with my father physically squaring up to me (I did it back at him and he backed down). Then I gave them the letter and left. They sent a letter back of course, but I didn't respond to it because it would have opened up the channel of communication. And about 8 months later they walked into my house and demanded to know why they couldn't see their grandchildren, so I had to tell them again and even ended up ringing the police to get them out of my house (thankfully they left while I was dialling the number).

That was 3 years ago. These days, yes I still get upset a bit at Christmas when I think of how few presents they will receive, and on their birthdays and wedding anniversary. I think of them on new year's day when I used to ring my mother just after midnight. And I think of my mother on my late-gran's birthday and the anniversary of her death - both days I would have been ringing my mother to see if she was OK. But for the other 358 days a year I'm a lot happier. My OH is happier. My children are happier. We are much more relaxed, sleep better, suffer less stress and actually enjoy life.

If you've dumped them before you will know that the first year is the hardest, but it's worth it. I think you were very generous giving them a second chance, but they've blown it. Now's time to look after yourself and the people who are worthy of your love.

[boboff]

What a sorry lot we are, I thought I had it bad.

My solution is a mix I suppose, I had the horrible anger ever time I spoke with my Mother, for days after being in a bad mood.

Then last year I spoke to her about coming to a surprice Birthday Party for my Sister, and she said that basically we wern't invited as the party was for "her side" of the family, and I could see my Sister at our Dad's house that weekend. Well, once said, it can't be taken back and it highlighted the main issue with our "relationship" she saw myself and my brother, who is Autistic and Bi Polar and Schitz, as being taken by my Dad in the divorce settlement. When I countered that this was unfair, she started having a go at me for not visting her enough or looking after my Grandmother who was recently ill.

I wrote her a letter I never sent, but what it clearly showed me was that the problem was two fold, I have major issues with her from being Young, and to all intence and purposes she both physically and mentally abused me, and that she saw our relationship as one where she took, and gave nothing.

So I blanked her complpetely for about 12 months, saying I wanted nothing to do with her, but she was more than welcome to phone or visit the grandchildren. I resolved that to have the "up and downer" with her was never going to happen as she would adamantly refute it and at the same time blame my Father, but it would upset her and her relationship with her husband, and I just can't see that as being fair on them, just for me to get some sence of closure from her admitting it and saying sorry.

This has wroked for me in the main as I don't carry that anger with me now, and actually find myself allowing her a little back into our lives.

So in short I would say, don't move away physically, just emotionally, be clear with what it is you feel, allow communication with your child, but on your terms (what Roseundula's GP's did is wicked in my opinion) and see how you feel in twelve months, when you stop feeling guilty for not being the one to "give give give"