Problem with friend...advice needed EDITED - NEW DEVELOPMENT

[Helsbells]

Hi everyone,

I have a dilem with an old friend of mine and I need some advice as to what to do.

Basically I have known this girl nearly my whole life and we were best friends at school, over the years we have become less close and the last few years I have been making all the effort, ringing her up and arranging to meet etc. Last summer was my wedding and I invited her to my hen do but she said she couldnt come saying she had a tennis match. This didn't seem like a very good excuse to me, but I let it go because I thought perhaps it just isn't her thing.

However when the wedding came she was invited to both the wedding breakfast and the evening reception with a buffet. She came to the wedding breakfast but left after because she was going to visit her brother in the Isle of Wight. I was a bit upset because we had paid for her to have the buffet, plus I would have enjoyed dancing to all our old favorite songs which I ahd made into a compilation to play for the evening.

A couple of days after the wedding she invited me to hers for her birthday party, I thanked her very much but said we would be on our honeymoon. After the wedding many people made lovely comments about photos I had put on face book and she wrote "you still owe me for that bet" (a silly bet we had made when we were younger about what would happen when we got married - I lost).
I deleated the message because I didn't want friends and family asking questions about it.

At Christmas she didn't send me a Christmas card although I sent her one, and I have not heard from her at all. Monday was my birthday and she didn't send me a birthday which she has always done in the past and now I am really sad because it seems that she doesn't want to be friends with me any more but I really don't know why.

I have sent her a text message today asking if she is ok because I have not heard from her at all but I have had no reply. I feel really sad and am finding the friendship very hard to let go of because we have so much history together. I don't know if I have done something wrong or what. It's really bothering me and I am thinking about it a lot.

What should I do?

[eco-mick]

I think we all going to go through this or have been through it in the past.

With me, same issue she was my ex but when I moved away with my parents it became friends.

But like what you have written down, happened to me (with out the wedding part) and all I can say as a youngster - time to let go? Harsh it may be

It looks like she has moved on with life now and have other interests or new friends to take her time? (sorry to say it like that though )

Suppose like loseing a close family member keep the good parts in the heart

All the best.

[Big Al]

It will be interesting to see if this is a gender split thing.
I would say it's time to let go especially if you haven't been around together since school.To quantify that, you don't say how old you both are or how long it is since you left school but for me not seeing anyone as a "friend" since school wouldn't bother me as it's 30 odd years since I left an unhappy school life behind.

You are married now and hopefully happy with it. Look to your new life with your new partner and make new friends with the circle of people you both bring to the mix.

Don't be sad at letting this past friend go but remember the good times you had and the memories of the songs etc but BIN THE COMPO CD, lol. It will haunt you if you don't.

Don't contact the friend but let her contact you next time and just see it as a natural progression in both lives...

Oh and what was the bet ? .....

Ok I'll get my coat.......

HTH

BA

[crowsashes]

i lost a lot of friends when i got pregnant with my little one. it seems most people just didnt want me around as i wasnt going to be 'partying' all the time ( not that i did much anyway ) and i think they thought all i would have to talk about is my son i honestly dont chat about him much !!

anyway, what im trying to say is when we move on with different, amazing milestones in life we all lose friends. i lost friends i didnt expect just because i had a child BUT ive found others. its amazing how things affect people. someone having a child, getting married ( or whatever)will always make some people address what they have ( or haven't got) in their life and it forces people to move on make changes and the likes.

it happens and as sad as it is its probably for the best. all my friends ( the ones i lost) were the drinking, smoking, partying not a care in the world types so in a way losing them was a blessing as i would always have been torn by my ish, nurturing, homely side and my mad mental, partying side ( the two do meet with interesting effects )

id put it down to growing up ( i still am, my mother cant wait till i do the 'grown up thing' and actually get married )
remember all the good times, forget all the bad, stick the photos in a drawer, ditch the cd as big al said and let it be. if she truly wants to be a part of your life she will make that call.

[Andy Hamilton]

I have been in this situation and found that I was at fault, or at least the friend had missunderstood something I said and taken offence. I seem to be pretty good at saying the wrong thing at the right time! Tt took a funeral of another friend for it all to come out. Perhaps there is more going on in the situation? I would suggest calling this friend up on the phone and arranging to meet and just asking them that is what I did and now have a very close friend back again.

[prison break fan]

Hi, haven't really got any advice, but just thought you might like a bit of sympathy! Is she jealous of your marriage do you think. I have a similar problem with my sister, when she lived near me she was always on the phone, but since she has moved away, and her life is a bit more interesting I have been totally blanked. I think you have done all you can. pbf.

[the.fee.fairy]

Sometimes, friendships just fall apart. It can be something as simple as a comment. I had a best friend who i haven't spoken to for about 5 years. She offended me! When she had her first son, i went out with her every week to the most horrible club because it was the only night a week that she could get a babysitter. When it came to my birthday, she couldn't go. I was ok with that. However, the next night, she sent me a message asking me to go to her other freind's birthday party that night. When i got annoyed with her, she said 'you haven't got children, you'd understand if you were a mother'. This really hurt because i can't have children. I decided that minute that the friendship was over, and that if she was willing to make hurtful comments, even after i;d made sure i spent time with her, then i wasn't interested in seeing her as a friend anymore.

I don't know if she meant what she said, a friend of ours says that she didn't, but she also understands why i won't talk to the other one anymore.

I think that we had just reached the point where we'd gone in different directions and just outgrown each other.

I know its harsh, but just accept it for now. If you are really truly seen as a close freind in the other one's eyes, then one day she'll come back to you.

[pelmetman]

As I have gone through life I have had lots of friends, some I keep in contact with, some I don't.
I certainly don't lose any sleep over it, people move on make new friends, move to different parts of the country/world.

If its meant to be you will get back together.
Sue

[MKG]

"After the wedding many people made lovely comments about photos I had put on face book and she wrote "you still owe me for that bet" (a silly bet we had made when we were younger about what would happen when we got married - I lost).
I deleated the message because I didn't want friends and family asking questions about it. "

That stuck out for me. Does she know why you deleted it? Otherwise she may have felt offended.

Just tuppenceworth.

Mike

[MuddyWitch]

I've just had this conversation with my youngest.

I'm guessing you are in your 20s, (youngest is 18). Sometimes you just grow apart from people. There's no one spark, (although there can be, as others have said), just a slow drifting that leaves you with nothing in common.

It's only sad if you let it get you down. As Big Al says, (& who ever guessed he'd be a font of wisdom!!! ) make new friends who share your views and values, like your virtual friends here on ISH , with your Hubby.

MW

[becks77]

Try not to let it get you down, not easy, however if you can you may need to move on.

[Helsbells]

Thankyou all so much for your thoughtful comments, I am indeed in my 20's in fact was 27 on Monday!

Andy, having recieved no reply to my text message I think it would be unlikely that she would answer the phone to me in order to organise meeting up. Also we live quite far away from eachother so it's difficult to meet up just for drinks or something.

MKG, It is possible that she was offended by me deleating her comment, I cannot think of anything else that I could have done to offend her. I think this is a rather silly thing to get upset about though and I feel that I have more reason to not want to be friends with her than the other way around.

Another thing that makes me sad about the friendship being over is that there are a couple of other people who we were all friends with as a group and it seems they have all stayed frineds and haven't stayed friends with me. This hurts because it just adds to my feeling of "what have I done wrong/what is wrong with me?"

I really wish I could let go, I guess I just wish I could find out why. If I am no longer friends with her then I lose my only connection to that part of my life, I will have no friends from school basically and that makes me sad. I just want to hold on to that connection, even if it is only sending Christmas and Birthday cards, but she has made it quite clear that she is not even willing to do that.

P.S. I have thrown away the mix tape!!

Having said that I do feel like we have grow apart. I remember the last time we met up socailly (we went to Bicester outlet village in Oxfordshire, I think only because she was going there anyway, also she brought her boyfriend which was a bit wierd) We went to all these shops that I had never been in like Ralph Laurent and I though the clothes and people in the shops were hilarious and I kept laughing at them, don't think she was impressed. Anyway, she asked me if I liked the smell in Gap...I said I didn't know because i didn't shop in Gap and this really made me think yes, we are very differant.

[bonniethomas06]

Hi there,

I can totally sympathise - I am a similar age and have been in a very similar situation lately. I can totally emphasise and I know that the longer you leave it to make contact, the harder it is.

Sometimes we do just drift apart. Someone read me a poem about this once, and although it is rather cheesy, I think it is fairly accurate:

“Reason, Season, Lifetime”


People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.


When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.


Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.


Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.


LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.


Thank you for being a part of my life,
whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Aleksandra Lachut

[Helsbells]

Thanks so much for the poem bt, it really made me think.

Last week I text my friend asking if everything was ok and she replied saying that I had really upset all my old school friends at my wedding!!

So this is the reason she hasn't been speaking to me. But I am still really confused because I don't know what I did at my wedding to upst ALL (three of them) my old school friends, I text back asking her and she hasn't replied.

Now I feel even sadder because whenever I think about my wedding I feel sad about my friend. I know I should get over it but I am finding it hard. I don't think there is any point phoning her because i don't think she will answer the phone.

Sorry I am going on, probably not very interesting for anyone and I sound really pathetic but it's really upsetting me.

Hels

[Susie]

OK I wrote you a long reply and then my computer crashed. To summarise:

1/ It's not you, it's her
2/ I don't think you did anything at your wedding, I think she's jealous and anxious that you're changing. If she was offended by something you did that was so minor you don't even remember then I hope she never meets some of my friends, she'd need smelling salts.
3/ You're not pathetic, I'd be upset too. But I don't think you're going to get anywhere with this one at the moment because she's just blaming you and not even in a constructive way (like, trying to work it out.) That's why I think it's her issue. Just let her go (I know that's easier said than done.) You might reconnect in the future.

Hugs . Don't let it ruin your memories of your wedding (everyone falls out with people at weddings. It's a tradition. It's probably good luck!)

Susie