Adult bullying

[Graye]

Anyone with any ideas/input on this?

My son (a bright and articulate 30 year old with a good job in IT) has been stressed and fraught lately, complaining about always being in the wrong (even when he probably wasn't) at work, being ignored, malicious reports to bosses etc.

After chatting about it we realised it's probably all the signs of classic bullying - isolation, nit-picking, having everything he says distorted, giving him low grade work in preference to his own etc. And amazingly it began when his daughter was born in February so it's some form of discrimination from within the office rather than management from what I can see.

I can't believe my 6' 2" karate black belt son has been so badly affected by something I had always thought of as a problem in schools.

He is now about to be made redundant, which in a way I see as a good thing, although I think the selection was probably based on the discrimination in some ways. His boss (based out of the office) has told him that there is no problem with the way he does his work.

I have no idea how to advise him. I suppose it will all work out with a new job, he's never had the problem before so pressumably he'll feel better out of there and in a new place.

Has anyone got any experience on this? What was the outcome and how was the person made to feel better about themselves?

[boboff]

The atmosphere in a business when there is fear of redundancy can get very nasty.

It is up to him to complain in writing to his line manager, making it clear in what way he has been bullied.

They should have an internal procedure which must be followed.

If it is that bad he can stop going to work and claim that he had been constructively dismissed (payouts max at £50k now!)

He should note that if this has occurred prior to his last appraisal, and he did not bring it up then, this will weaken his case.

The citizens advice bureau will help with any claim for free, but what ever he must have taken the internal complaint route first.

As it stands he will be out of a job soon, so the usual worries should not really apply.

There is no point getting angry, just get even!

[ellie12022]

Is he a member of a union? They should be able to help if so.

I only realised fully after I left my last job, that I was being bullied.

I hope that his next job will be much more pleasant, and I hope he enjoys spending time with the new baby.

[Graye]

Thanks for those replies.

I don't think he minds too much about the job, although I think he might follow up on unfair selection with an appeal or even a Tribunal at some point. The redundancies weren't even in the air when this started so I don't think the staff can blame the stress of that for their behaviour.

What I'm concerned about is what it seems to have done to him personally. He's much less confident and has said stuff like "I know I can be a a****ole..." and "I think I'll become self-employed, then I have only myself to argue with." This isn't like him at all, he's normally charming and outgoing, I would call him Mr Confident in normal circumstances. If it will do this to him I hate to think what it would do to a shyer type.

[boboff]

Turning 30 really hurts!

[lazyspice]

I'll never understand why people have to be so nasty to each other - I think a lot of the time it's motivated by jealousy and smallmindedness (did I make up a word there?). Redundancy might be a blessing as it's affecting his confidence but it's a shame it's come to that. Hopefully he'll find a job working with decent and friendly people and there be no long term damage to his morale.

[ellie12022]

Stress can make us feel & say all kinds of things. It sounds like the situation is very tense & maybe it won't be till he's out of it for a while that he'll be able to put things in perspective.

My OH works for the DWP so if he needs any advice on job hunting/benefits (it's amazing the jobs they have on the system now) please PM & I'll get some details sent on.

[Graye]

So the redundancy went through very rapidly. And guess what? He's nearly his old self again within days.

He's already started two fledgling IT businesses to go with the completely unrelated one he ran part time previously (he had already told me that IF he was made redundant he would devote his time to really getting that one going as it was potentially a total substitute for his salary), he's had the first good night's sleep in months and generally started to enjoy life again. Fortunately for him he has a proper office in his house so can actually "go to work" there, get on with his businesses and not disrupt the daily ongoings of having two small children too much.

It makes me realise how vile and insidious bullying really is. He says he'll think about appealing and so on (apparently the company made many procedural errors throughout the process) but says he would really hate to be offered his job back!

Thanks for the input anyway!

[ellie12022]

That's really good news, Graye

I hope his business goes well. Sounds like that is what he really wants to be doing, and now he can..

I just heard a friend of mine has resigned her job (she should have done it years ago). She says she felt so relieved to do it. I think she was being bullied - by staff & children. (she was a teacher).

Bullying is everywhere, and can be so hard to deal with, especially when it's verbal.

times ahead, let's hope

[Cloud]

Greye,

I run a small business and we've been reviewing our contracts of employment this week! Having read this post I've decided to have a 'bullying' clause added as an example of behaviour that would be considered gross misconduct and cause for instant dismissal. I believe this is implicit in all UK contracts of employment, but no harm in spelling it out.

Any employer of that's complacent about bullying in the workplace does not deserve their staff. And as an employer, I can't see why I would ever want to ignore it. It must cause grave damage to the business one way or the other.

[ellie12022]

Cloud, I think that's fantastic. I hope you can come up with a good way of defining bullying, so if people are unhappy they have a proper way to complain. However, some people may not realise the effect they are having on others, so instant dismissal may be a bit harsh, perhaps a system of warnings first might be more effective? some kind of arbitration? Counselling services? Often those in charge are those doing the bullying, which makes it hard to complain, how would you set up a system so people can come forward? And prevent personal vendettas from taking place?

A lot is talked about bullying at school, but somehow not outside of it. Yet, it does happen a lot & makes for a lot of stress & unhappiness.

Good luck,Cloud

[Graye]

Thank you, Cloud, you sound like a very good employer. Perhaps you could have it as one written warning, then dismissal. That would probably fix most problems.

I spoke to his wife this morning while he was out and she said there had been occasions when she had heard him crying downstairs late in the evening, obviously connected to what was going on. If only bullies could see what they do with their actions I'm sure they might think twice. But then, I always see the good things about people and perhaps these people don't have a good side at all.

Anyway, he's full of beans today in an email I just received so things can only look up, I hope. I'm so glad he managed to come out of the other side and has other strings to his bow. It must make some people feel suicidal to think they have no way out.

[Cloud]

Greye, Ellie., there a whole warning and arbitration system in place that kicks in, I over simplified in my post. We would never dismiss someone quite so quickly, although we might ask them to go home, or take a break, depending how serious it seemed. Overacting can be nearly as bad a not reacting at all.

The problem, as you point out is that the bully may not realise what effect they are having. Might just consider it a joke or horseplay. I regret to say I've seen this from the other side. Long time ago I was in a close knit department where was a lot of 'teasing' and where we all gave as good as we got. But although it was never aimed at the new guy he was feeling very uncomfortable - fortunately we had a very good manager who spotted this quickly had a quiet word. I think we all felt pretty awful about it at the time.

[ellie12022]

I know it's difficult to try & put complicated issues succinctly sometimes. Human interaction can be very interesting yet extremely frustrating sometimes

[Thomzo]

Bullying in the workplace is a really serious issue. When I was being bullied by my boss I came across the people who run this website http://www.bullyingbusiness.co.uk/ . They were really helpful and made me feel loads better.

In the end I was made redundant and, like your son, started to feel better almost immediately. I was also being bullied by my bf (now my ex) at the same time so my self esteem was pretty low.

I discovered, too late, that most bullies hate being stood up to and soon back down. Employees have loads of rights in this country so nobody should be afraid to stand up to the bullying boss and tell them that enough is enough.

Zoe