contacting my sister - mistake?

[Rosendula]

One thing I've noticed while reading these replies is that every time someone says I should send the letter I think 'No!!!' , and every time some says I should not send it, I think 'Yay!'

Those of you who are saying I should because it's family, blood-ties, aunty dying, etc., those are the reasons I wrote this letter in the first place, because I felt an obligation. But it's the feeling of obligation towards family that made me stick around my parents for so many years, despite them being nasty to me & OH, trying to split us up, and saying nasty things about my children. If I hadn't felt obliged and stuck around, it would never have got to the stage where they were being nasty actually to my children.

So I think I've got to the stage in my life where I am fed up of doing 'the right thing' and seeing my nearest and dearest, and myself, coming off worse for it. Splitting from my parents was a hard thing to do simply because of the blood-ties, and I did it because I thought it was high time I started putting my children and OH first. I think I need to stick with that. As already said, if my sister was interested in family she could have easily found out about our aunty, but she's not interested.

So I'm not sending the letter.

Thank you, everyone, for the thoughtful replies, including those who said I should send the letter. Reading the responses has helped me work out what's going on in my mind, the reasons I was going to send the letter, and the reasons I was holding back.

[Millymollymandy]

Good stuff! Glad we were able to help, one way or another. It's hard for those of us who are close to our families to comprehend where those of you who aren't, are coming from quite frankly! Whenever I hear that one of my relatives in Oz or NZ has died and my cousins, aunts & uncles didn't let me know until many months later (cos I'm in a forgotten about place the other side of the world) I get quite annoyed and sad.

[invisiblepiper]

Good to make a decision. you'll feel much better - its the 'limbo' that's the killer!

[SarahJane]

I am glad that you have been able to make a decision.
After reading and contributing to this thread, I (on a whim) rang my sister today. We hadnt spoken for a while, ( we hadnt fallen out or anything, we just hadnt spoken), anyway, we chatted for about an hour and a half and have provisionally arranged to meet up mid June, and I came off the phone feeling quite happy.
So I would just like to say thanks to this thread for making me think xx

[Rosendula]

Glad it helped Have fun!

[flyonthewall]

Hi Rosey

I cut off from my Grandma last year - my mum's mum - because she has always been nasty, manipulative and divisive, and the relationship brought only stress. The only way I could go see her was with my OH present, because she would not dare put me down in front of him. I was always her least favourite grandchild, I got less than my cousins on birthdays, Christmas etc, and on her 80th birthday dinner she asked me to move so one of my other cousins could sit near her, she didn't want me on her table.

Me and my cousins do not get on to this day because she fostered competition between us, and still tries to do it. My mum constantly tries to guilt trip me into going whenever she comes up to visit and goes to see her, but I remain adamant that I don't want this woman in my life, because she is driven by spite. That is my gut feeling. I don't miss her as she's never been a grandma to me really, all I ever remember is her sitting in her chair passing judgement on all and sundry and ordering her family about.

You'll know if you feel better with the idea of being in touch with your sister or not, but there is only so much you can take being hurt, and taking the risk that the same stuff will come back into your life again. I say go with your gut hun, which it looks like you have done.

[Rosendula]

Thanks flyonthewall. I'm sorry you don't get on with your Grandma. Both of my Grandfathers died before I was born, so I didn't get the chance to meet them. I hardly saw my father's mother, and whenever I did as a child, her and my father always argued. Then all I heard about was how nasty she was, that she was evil, etc., etc., and as a child you believe what your parents tell you. In fact, I continued to believe it as an adult, and so never bothered with her when I grew up.

I saw my mother's mother twice a week when I was a child. She was always nice to me and I loved her dearly, but she wasn't very good with kids and we were sent to play in the garden all the time while she talked constantly and loudly to my mother. She never, ever paused for breath! So although I saw her frequently, I didn't get to know her. As a young adult I was too self-involved and had a busy social life, and didn't stay in touch with her. I regret that. Unfortunately, all I heard about her from my father was that she was nasty, dirty, self-centred, etc., etc., and so I was not inspired to get in touch with her very often. I wish I had stayed in touch more and found out more about her, other than what my horrible father told me.

Now both my grandmothers have passed away. I wish I had got to know them better. It was my own fault for not staying in touch with my maternal grandmother, but his fault I never got to know his mother. It was far too late when I realised that what my father was saying about them was nasty and probably untrue. That's what a bad relationship can do. It can ruin, even prevent good relationships with other people.

[flyonthewall]

That's a shame Rosey, sounds like your parents have issues!

I have a close relationship with my Nan, and was close to my grandad before he died so at least I have had my paternal grandparents. Families, who'd have em!

[Graye]

I know I advised against Rosendula contacting her sister but that was in view of her particular circumstances. I'm still very much of the "families should stick together" mind. But I can see from what people have said here that it ísn't always the case and that does make me so sad.

I have the very best relationship with my maternal Grandma (Leah of the MSNs, funny aprons and wonderful recipes etc) and I feel that I could probably tell or ask her anything and she would be kind, wise, discreet and loving in everything she said. My paternal grandmother was also a lovely lady (a proper grandma to me as my father was the very youngest and she was quite elderly when I was small). And yet this grandmother's youngest sister was a vindictive old soul who alienated the whole family, for her own amusement from what I could see. She delighted in stirring up trouble, telling tales and being thoroughly objectionable to the point that her only son emigrated to New Zealand and had nothing more to do with her! She was always fine with me and was, in fact, a very amusing and gutsy lady when she didn't have an axe to grind. For instance, she learned to drive in 6 weeks at age 72 when her husband was taken in to hospital and she had no way of getting there to see him. But I was always wary and particularly when she was dying and asked me to take her to New Zealand to visit her son and grandchildren. I must admit to a certain amount of relief when the nursing home forbade her to go (I also suspect the airlines would have baulked at taking her). She died a bitter old lady and even then her son didn't turn up for her funeral, sending his wife to sell up her house etc.

I really believe you only get from life what you put in, especially with relationships, family or otherwise. We should never take anyone for granted, even relatives who, generally speaking, will always be there for us. Perhaps Rosendula's sister will make contact herself (it seems she has addresses, etc) and solve the dilemma herself. I hope so.