Should you pay for someone else's lifestyle choice?

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Pumpkin&Piglet
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Re: Should you pay for someone else's lifestyle choice?

Post: # 272284Post Pumpkin&Piglet
Sat Mar 02, 2013 2:17 pm

I totally support that decision and agree with most of the advice on here. You definitely need to stop them taking you for you a ride. You deserve a life too and you deserve what you work hard for.

I just suddenly felt for your younger daughter - despite her not actually being in our situation - and felt it might be something new I could add to the discussion.

Maybe some tough love would benefit them, and possibly some pointers on a new attitude!

Hope all goes OK in the long run :hugish:

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Re: Should you pay for someone else's lifestyle choice?

Post: # 272290Post niknik
Sat Mar 02, 2013 2:54 pm

What´s the situation with HIS parents? Can´t they "help"?, or is it just down to you?

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Re: Should you pay for someone else's lifestyle choice?

Post: # 272301Post southeast-isher
Sat Mar 02, 2013 7:38 pm

They know the cost of everything but the value of nothing!

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Re: Should you pay for someone else's lifestyle choice?

Post: # 272302Post southeast-isher
Sat Mar 02, 2013 7:39 pm

If you keep giving for free i don't think they will appreciate it... it's tough... maybe they could pay you back even if it's half the cost....

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Re: Should you pay for someone else's lifestyle choice?

Post: # 272337Post happyhippy
Sun Mar 03, 2013 4:30 pm

Unfortunately he comes from a very dysfunctional family.He has no contact with his parents or siblings but does see cousins who live OS!So no his family can't help him/them.To me its all about priorities.Now if I had my name down for a council house,I would be putting money away to fund the move,and making sacrifices.If that meant no little jaunts OS or a new laptop I would forfeit it.Just needed some support from all you kind people and its interesting too reading other peoples opinions and thoughts on this subject.I am going to "tough love"it from now on.I have to for my own sanity.I am quite generous when it comes to Xmas,brithdays and so on and really,I think thats enough tbh!Thanks once again folks!Now I have made a clear decision! :iconbiggrin:

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Re: Should you pay for someone else's lifestyle choice?

Post: # 272343Post niknik
Sun Mar 03, 2013 7:44 pm

well tell them the fridge etc IS their next B/day , Christmas present etc....and just get them a small (useful) something as a token for the actual day!

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Re: Should you pay for someone else's lifestyle choice?

Post: # 272359Post bonniethomas06
Mon Mar 04, 2013 12:58 pm

I agree with the others HH - and more so because I am deseperate to do a masters, but could never afford it as I would have to give up work. How on earth is he doing a masters without working? The fees when I looked into it were £16,000 a year!
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Re: Should you pay for someone else's lifestyle choice?

Post: # 272362Post oldjerry
Mon Mar 04, 2013 2:14 pm

Seeing as you've probably decided what to do,and I agree with everyone,they're acting like lazy pillocks and you should tell them NO (if you'd done that a bit ago,maybe there wouldn't be a prob,but I already regret being judgemental so ignore that bit),anyhow could I open this up a bit?

Going on from what Bonnie had to say re the cost of education,on a larger scale,it seems to me that a generation that got paid to go to college,paid comparatively low prices for more abundant fuel,oversaw the decimation of the enviroment,made huge wealth gains through the rise in property values,and allowed the City to act in a manner that makes the Camorra look like amateurs,owes the next generation a good deal,especially as they're going to have to attempt to clean up the mess.They are going to have to pay for the previous generation's lifestyle choice.

that clanking noise must be a lot of 50plus somethings pulling up the drawbridge.
Last edited by oldjerry on Mon Mar 04, 2013 7:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Should you pay for someone else's lifestyle choice?

Post: # 272363Post boboff
Mon Mar 04, 2013 2:39 pm

Look on the up side, they must love you lots to be able to ask for these things, especially knowing you can't afford to go on holiday, they must love you so so much, I bet this weekend they'll put themselves out to make sure you are really appreciated and loved, it won't be financial, but the offer to cook and clean for you, and make you feel really special will really make up for this.

My bank of Mum and Dad never opened, I never went to it, or considered going to it, but my Dad especially has always been there for me and offered when I really needed things.

My Sister though has opened her account up, and now gets free Holidays and 2 days babysitting a week, but then she does really really love my Mum, although she thinks that Mothers Day is about her child ( he's 3 so she means her husband) spoiling Mummy rotten then posting sick "I love my little Man, and Big Man so so much, I am such a lucky Mummy" drivel of facebook!

Still, it's nice actually you do do it, it means you are nice, deserving of this love.

My Wife Mum is lovely, she will on occasion send our kids a tenner, and then every now and again send my wife £50 to "treat" herself. It is very much appreciated and we'll sometimes go and buy a "throw" or nice things for the house we wouldn't normally bother with. The fact that often the motivation for the donation is that Nanny got stung by wifes Sister, or wifes nephew is a bit of an issue!
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Re: Should you pay for someone else's lifestyle choice?

Post: # 272368Post demi
Mon Mar 04, 2013 5:32 pm

bonniethomas06 wrote:I agree with the others HH - and more so because I am deseperate to do a masters, but could never afford it as I would have to give up work. How on earth is he doing a masters without working? The fees when I looked into it were £16,000 a year!
16,000 pounds a year!? I'm so glad im Scottish and it's free! Hopefully still will be when it's my kids time to go to uni, fingers crossed! We also get loans to pay for books, travel expenses ect ect and there is also a hardship fund and other grants which you can apply for if you're on benefits to help you out financially with living costs if you're really skint.
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Re: Should you pay for someone else's lifestyle choice?

Post: # 272371Post GeorgeSalt
Mon Mar 04, 2013 6:07 pm

Masters degrees aren't free, even in Scotland. Unless you count the undergraduate MA degrees that Scottish universities offer which are BSc equivilants.
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Re: Should you pay for someone else's lifestyle choice?

Post: # 272376Post Pumpkin&Piglet
Mon Mar 04, 2013 9:29 pm

Slightly off subject but if they have so little money then he must be getting or have had his education funded in some way? Does he need a degree for a particular job in which in the long run he will earn more money?

I think the payment of university needs looking at! I went to university because everyone else was and I wanted the experience. All my tuition was funded by the government and I got a £4000 'loan' on top to pay my living expenses (more than enough!) I'm not proud of this and had I been better informed and not pushed a long the academic conveyor belt I may have chosen differently but after all that money was spent I decided it wasn't for me and left with no extra qualifications and if I'm honest not a lot more knowledge from lectures than before I went. Some, but not much.

Had I continued and completed the full 3 or 4 years I still may not have used the degree as I didn't have a need, I just 'went with the flow.' That's a lot of money to spend out because I didn't have much better to do!

Yet those who are massively talented in areas or want to become a dr and work hard may have to pay high fees because their parents earn more than mine did. Yet their parents may not necessarily give them any money at all. I know most systems are flawed in some way and I don't have a better suggestion but I do think more responsibility should be taught to people about the resources we're using up.

I had no encouragement or guidance to think about these sort of things when I was making this decision at 18.

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Re: Should you pay for someone else's lifestyle choice?

Post: # 272380Post niknik
Tue Mar 05, 2013 1:12 am

Pumpkin&Piglet wrote: I had no encouragement or guidance to think about these sort of things when I was making this decision at 18.

so true.........

i was told " well go to uni, it gives you 3 or 4 more years to decide what to do" !!! :shock: ( from the careers adviser, or whatever they were called back then!)
I did complete my course, but I should really have a degree in partying , pub crawling, skipping lectures , etc etc, rather than the one I did get!

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Re: Should you pay for someone else's lifestyle choice?

Post: # 272386Post DavidP
Tue Mar 05, 2013 8:33 am

Not an easy situation to get out of. It might make it easier for you if you sat down with the both of them and had an emotional heart to heart to explain how this is affecting you and how you feel about people taking responsibility for their own lives and these are the reasons why you do not want to be asked for the next appliance shopping list because the handouts are now finished.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do but remember it's not you who are in the wrong......

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Re: Should you pay for someone else's lifestyle choice?

Post: # 272414Post berry
Wed Mar 06, 2013 12:25 pm

If it helps, i first moved into my "new" home with my son (then 2weeks old) and had only a microwave, toaster, kettle, one of those health grills and a tv I had to put on plastic crates upside down! - basically my uni kit. that was it. i struggled for 6mths cooking on that lot. borrowed a camping fridge from a friend and washed clothes by hand in summer or walked to the launderette in winter. it took me ages to save for everything i needed. BUT it really did kick me up the arse in terms of priorities.

I bought all my plates and dishes over several months from charity shops (never find a whole dinner set and the cheap ones were carp) bath towels when they were on sale, sofa was found on freecycle and a few times id check down the back alley of my home - old terrace with ally for bins- to see if anyone had put out furniture. i scored a decent coffee table doing that!

i think your daughter could do with a dose of the same. MAKE them use the launderette/wash by hand. shop day to day/borrow items. it is IMO the only way people learn the value of things. ultimately if you have to save for so long for an item you appreciate it more. these days im luckier that i dont need to spend so long saving for a new appliance (have an emergencies only savings account with a few hundred pounds in it)

Now i have a kitted out yet mismatched home but i appreciate and look after every item i own. It was a struggle and only these last 2 years ive had what most consider a comfortable home.


just to add... the kids they have, they wont worry too much about those things. they adapt easily so dont feel you are hurting your grankids by not helping!

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