Fathers & Child Care

[The Riff-Raff Element]

Well I thought we were in the 21st century!

My dear wife takes the train for a few days in Paris with her friends for a well-deserved recharge before our season really kicks off and leaves me in charge of the three girls: 8, 7 and 20 months.

Now she seems to think that I am perfectly capable of looking after them for four days: feed the end that screams, wipe the end that doesn't, keep them away from sharp implements, hide the matches, don't get drunk, etc etc. But hardly anyone else seems to.

I have lost count of the number of times assorted mothers of the girls' friends have phoned me or popped by "just to make sure that everything is OK." I even got invited out to lunch yesterday - which was very agreeable, sipping chilled wine in the sunshine while someone slaved over a hot BBQ, but it was fairly clear that the primary intent was do make sure the girls got at least one hot meal while they were under my care.

And I'm sure the teachers at school this morning were counting limbs to make sure all were present and correct.

Is it me? Is it just France? Or is there still a widespread belief that men are incapable of caring for children?

[ina]

Is it me? Is it just France? Or is there still a widespread belief that men are incapable of caring for children?

I think that, unfortunately, that belief is still widespread. I don't share it. Some men may be incapable of looking after their offspring - but so are some women; I think if your wife trusts you to do the right thing by them, that should be indication enough to everybody else that you know what you are doing!

[The Riff-Raff Element]

Is it me? Is it just France? Or is there still a widespread belief that men are incapable of caring for children?

I think that, unfortunately, that belief is still widespread. I don't share it. Some men may be incapable of looking after their offspring - but so are some women; I think if your wife trusts you to do the right thing by them, that should be indication enough to everybody else that you know what you are doing!

I should have mentioned that since we work together from home, child care in this menage is 50/50 anyway, so it's not as if she had to leave me notes or anything!

[ina]

Oh, I'm sure there was no need for it - I just meant that even the outside world should understand that... I know several fathers who do most of the childcare in their families, so I'm no stranger to that concept!

[Annpan]

When E was tiny I was really unwell and JohnM did most of the childcare for the first 3 weeks... he had to show me how to make up bottles, work the steriliser and where he kept the changing nappy stuff - plenty of women are unable to look after kids.

Mind you I am pretty sure that most (not all - but most) Dads don't know much about everyday care... weekends they can do but normal stuff throws them for six.

[Russian Doll]

i must admit i dont leave my oh looking after the kids as hes useless...hes a great dad and plays with them etc..but when it comes to doing my job hes hopeless...he cant seem to understand the concept that you can play and do things at the same time lol


god am i glad hell never read this

[floraadora]

My friend's husband wouldnt even try to manage, he would spend most of the time at his Mum's!

[Esther.R]

I must admit I have been very impressed since we moved to Shetland, it seems much more acceptable for dads to be involved up here and is taken for granted that they will do their share. Gymtots/trampolining and toddler gp all have a far higher proportion of dads and grandads in than I ever saw down south. There is still a huge family culture here though.

[tim&fatima]

I'm a house husband. I had enough of all the long hours, as a manager, and the wife enjoyed here part time job at the local newspaper.
So I gave up my job. now the wife works Mon-Fri, and I just work sat-sun. and it was the best thing we did.
When you tell people your a house hubby, you do tend to get funny looks, as if they are thinking "lazy sod".
But at the last parents evening at A's school, they said she was the best behaved girl in the nursery.

Anyone can father a child, but it takes someone special to be a Daddy.

[mrsflibble]

there is one househusband at our local toddler group, and he's treated no differently.

mind you, my other half ha mentioned a few times that when he's out with sophie he seems to get treated like a numnor, especially over things like taking sophie to the loo.

[John Headstrong]

I am the primary carer for my twins, I had had enough of working for that place, my manager got replaced and the teams direction got totally changed so I left to go self employed and my wife got more hours employed and more hours self employed.

I have had it all, "mothers and toddlers club" wot no fathers allowed ?

"so you just do the gardening while your wife goes out to work to support you and your kids" would anyone say that to a woman ?

"why are you looking after the kids? what is wrong with your wife?"

I am looking after my kids how the F**k does that make me lazy ?

I could go on.

when the twins arrived, I was the one that knew how to change nappies, make up bottles, progress to solids etc.

Is it me? Is it just France? Or is there still a widespread belief that men are incapable of caring for children?

no,no, and unfortunately yes, and it really pisses me off sometimes.

[Annpan]

"so you just do the gardening while your wife goes out to work to support you and your kids" would anyone say that to a woman ?

Unfortunaelty Yes... it has been said to me. Only by city folks though... maybe they all want/need the stress and the money

My neighbour put it very well when she said that they had decided to 'parent' their own children rather than get someone else to do it (they took turns of taking a few years off work to bring up their kids)

[citizentwiglet]

I used to go to a toddler group locally - one day a man turned up with his kids and was subject to MUCH whispering and gossip as to 'what HE was doing there'....even a suggestion that we 'ought to keep away from him'. Hideous! Needless to say, I never went back there - their malicious gossip and backstabbing was wearing me down as it was, THAT incident was the final straw.

I do find that when OH looks after Ellis, he does tend to panic a bit. I know that he is perfectly capable - in fact, he is blessed with a lot more patience than I am - but I do feel that he doubts himself and his abilities and feels he needs to ask my approval and/or ask advice. It's a pity really, I feel sometimes that he can't enjoy time alone with Ellis because he's worrying too much about what needs to be done / whether he's doing things 'right'. And there is absolutely no need for it, he's tremendous - I couldn't ask for better, really.
( Although he does bribe Ellis with treats more than I would....a 'treat' in my book is a handful of raisins or cherry tomatoes, NOT an entire Easter Egg )

[mrsflibble]

I have no doubt that were anything to happen to me (heaven forbid) James would be a capable and caring parent.

And also, if I ever got so sucessful at anything that I could support him for a change, I know he'd jump at the chance to be a SAHD. If only he could work from home...

don't think I've got space for a couple of trains in the back garden, let alone the lines to get them here and all the sweaty men he'd need to help him...

[MrsD'ville]

It's so silly, isn't it? Mr D'ville runs his business from home so he's here most of the time and mucks in as work allows. P is 6 so doesn't need real hands-on baby-type care, but when she spends time with her father she gets a different experience than when she's with me. I tend to multitask all the time and don't give her as much undivided as I should, but DH gives her the full beam when he's doing something with her. Yesterday he spent an hour with her after school helping her learn to ride her bike without stabilisers, doesn't sound like much but he could do it because he was there and had the freedom to say yes when she asked him. I never have the faintest qualm when DH takes her to school or does anything with her. He already has two teenagers from his first marriage, and they've now lived with us for five years. When P was born I happily threw myself on DH's experience of dealing with babies!

Funnily enough the only thing he gets a bit funny about is doing her hair!!