Selfsufficientish.com

Claimant: I have the body of a Greek god!
Reposte: Yeah, chip on one shoulder...

(my dad always added "and a small wang..." but my dad was military...and wang is the polite word! lol)

Courtesty of the Apprentice - an insult to all Mancunians, who apparently are ten years behind londoners:

"well, I mean you go to a club in Machester and like, you still have to wear shoes"

I was told by a work colleague that I had lovely eyes...she then added "I always say that every person has at least one redeeming feature"! My manager was making choking noises in the corner of the room and practically crawled out...I was speechless, but the woman did not even seem to realise she could have been insulting!
Her other infamous one was " for a fat person, you are quite pretty really!" (not to me that time!) Oh, and a real memorable one, she greeted a patient (worked in a hospital) with " how are you then...I thought you were dead!"
I wish I could remember all these insults and bring them out at appropriate moments....but I know I always remember them too late!

Appearence

darling I've ordered a truck load of soil for tomorrow, would you mind terribly filling in your fooprints

I don't want you to turn the other cheek - it's just as ugly.

How can you love nature, when it did that to you?

Every girl has the right to be ugly, but I'm afraid you've abused the privilege.

See, that's what's meant by dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome.

I've seen people like you before - but I had to pay admission!


Intelligence
if I had a penny for everyone of your bright ideas... oh well back to work tomorrow

I'm blonde. What's your excuse?

That man is cruelly depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

sorry i'm trying to think of an insult you could understand

Don't let you mind wander - it's far too small to be let out on its own

Paentage

Your ancestors must number in the thousands. It's really hard to understand how so many people can be to blame for producing something like you.

The terrifying power of the human sex drive is horrifically demonstrated by the fact that someone was willing to father you.

Ever since I saw you in your family tree, I've wanted to cut it down.

I heard you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?

Pick-up putdowns
Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
Woman: It's in the phone book.
Man: But I don't know your name.
Woman: That's in the phone book too.

Man: Haven't I seen you somewhere before?
Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there any more.

Man: What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?
Woman: Waiting for some idiot like you to come along and bore me to tears with pathetic lines.

Man: Hey, come on baby, we're both here at this bar for the same reason.
Woman: Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: Yeah, but if I saw YOU naked, I'd die laughing.

Rude
You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.

I used to think that you were a colossal pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.

I'm impressed; I've never met such a small mind inside such a big head before

You've heard about the good time had by all, ladies and gentlemen - and here she is.

What's wrong, don't you get any attention back home?

Tell me, how many Peeping Toms has your mother cured?

Celebrities

Lady Astor to Winston Churchill: "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
Churchill to Lady Astor: "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
- Abraham Lincoln

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
- Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. ~Oscar Wilde

Wow!! Remind me never to get into an argument with you!!

Here's one I missed earier:- The scenario:
Last year I over heard a neighbour slagging my OH off and calling him "Weary Willy", so I went over to his house and told him what I'd heard and gave him some truths about my OH's disability and told him in no uncertain terms that I didn't appreciate me and mine being talked about in that way. Lets just say he was rather taken aback to have been to have been told off in such a way - especially by a woman! Anyway, the other day my Mum and I were in a shop and met his wife (these are people I've known for most of my life) and she said that her husband had been taken ill recently with a debilitating disease (much like my OH). I did manage to stop my self from saying "Oh that's so sad. He'll be feeling terribly weary, will he?" (Terribly Weary Willy!")

Sly riposte from Catholic parishioners to priests who were too intrusive: 'Hello Father, it's always nice to see your back.' (Sounds so innocent when you say it aloud.) And to a priest who would stand with his bum practically in the fire, blocking it for everyone else: 'That's right, Father, warm the hole of your body.'

heres a great employer reference... could be meant either way.

"I wouldn't waste any time employing him"

I re-enact and display medieavel wood working methods and this happened recently on a show.
A particulary argumentive engineer started by saying how badly designed a wooden wheelbarrow was despite several others telling him he was wrong. He then turned his attention to what I was doing at the time which was squaring up a small tree trunk using a couple of axes.
"When I was an apprentice " he said "they gave us a 3/4" round bar and we had to make it square using only a chisel and a file"
Then he added "and we had to get it accurate to within two thousands of a inch, you don't do that with wood do you?"
to which I said
"No we have to get it spot on"


Pete

I did read somewhere about a report on a naval officer (but it could be any military officer)
"His men will follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity"